2024

My dear friend

The weekend is over. I was wondering how you were doing. What music he made you listen to and if he was baking something nice. I spent the whole Sunday working on my playlist which I named after him. Don't laugh! It's good music - I swear! 
Yeah I know you want to know what's on it. Unfortunately you are on Spotify and I am on Apple Music, so I can't share this with you. I can only give you some examples if you want me to. 
oookay, here we go:

** Wicked Game -- Chris Isaak          No explanation needed, I guess...

** Sugar -- Editors                                The lyrics hit the target. Totally. Don't you think?

** 1979 -- The Smashing Pumpkins   Just because this song let's me think of you both. 

** Love, Hate, Love -- Alice In Chains 

** Too many friends -- Placebo          Because you have too many friends. There's no more space left. 

** if you only knew -- Shinedown       Yeah well, I guess I never told you how important you two are.

** Wish you were here -- Pink Floyd 

** into my arms -- Nick Cave              

Maybe you can listen to the songs when he's out. And maybe you will find a way to let me know how you like them. 

 2024

Good evening my friend

How are things in Italy? Over here autumn showed it's beautiful face. It was nice and sunny. Just as I like it. I spend the day outside drinking coffee and doing some shopping. In fact it was a very lazy day. No Yoga on a Monday you might ask? No, we are having a break so it is the 2nd week without Yoga. 
I do not have a torture chamber like your buddy - do you work out in that cellar, too? Do you like it? There must be a lot of spiders down there. Creepy like hell. 
But it pays out I have to admit - you are in pretty good shape for a dwarf... If I dare to say that. 
I don't feel very well at the moment - I guess I caught a cold. Or it's just the result of the lack of the sleep.

You ask why I don't sleep? Well, I think too much. Over and over again I wonder how we can keep in touch and I wonder what I did wrong to deserve to be ghosted. Even Charly misses you like hell. He regularly brings some mice home, because he knows you like them too.

Today I told my Peruvian friend about this project - he will probably be the only person ever reading those letters. Maybe I connect this Blog with Instagram to increase the chance that someone will read this. Apart from Ivan I mean. 
By the way: have you already heard the new single from "The Cure"? It's quiet good - Alone is approx.3/4 instrumental and last 1/4 he sings. If you get the chance listen to it and let me know what you think. 
Tomorrow I will be in the office, so I can't promise if I will find time to write. But I try my best.

take care & good night 

ps. Please keep our secret 🤐 

Buona sera amico mio

How are you today? I am not so well - I caught a cold and I feel miserable to be honest. While I was feeling sorry for myself, I stumbled over this Japanese expression and it made me smile. Recently I paid more attention to Japan and Korea. Why is that you might ask? The two apple series "Shogun" and "Pachinko" on one hand and a bit your room mate, too. 
He did not tell me much about his fascination for Japan but I am very inspired by the culture of the UK. So I guess I understand him a bit.
if I had to choose another country to live in, I would always pick Scottland or England. I love the history, the countryside and the cities. When driving across the country with all the sheep, it looks as if one could pick them up. Little white clouds everywhere. It is so peaceful and calm. I love the pubs and the friendly mentality- and the British dark humor. It is hilarious. 
and believe it or not: the food! Yeah as an Italian you can't take them serious: but real good Cheddar, or a beef pie.....or even better: Sunday roast! Mouthwatering! Really! 

And of course I am a big fan of the British Gins. I learned to drink G&T in Scotland. That is more than 30 years ago. I fell in love with the places and the people. They are still in my heart and they always will be. This is just the way I make friends - they will be forever in my ❤️! Like you.

I hope to hear from you soon.

Take good care of yourself 

XO

the girl from behind the mountain 

 

Hi my friend

 

I found the above pic and had to laugh out loud. It is so to the point - even if you might be a bit offended (the dwarf thing ;-)

Clearly you two have experienced me at my worst moments. I really wanted to explain this to your room mate, but I never got the chance.

I don’t want to make excuses - I sit and watch myself wondering who I am. Unfortunately I had to take Hormons to get a bit of balance back.

I had hoped that I could get over you when a bit more centered.

Time flows by and it still hurts. I miss you like hell - you are still always on my mind. First and last thing. Sounds lunatic? Maybe.

It is just the way I am. I never let people in easily - but if they are in, I hardly get them out of my system.

I really wish, I‘d be given a second chance. It’s been more than 5 months without a word. I gave up trying to contact you - you have made your decision and I should let you go. I don’t know why I am unable to do so.

„All your mental armor drags me down…“ (Bush)

I am sure you haven’t wasted a second thinking about me.

You closed that chapter on the 21st of April and went on.

I am still reading the book trying to find a way to finish it. Maybe these letters will help me to do so.

I am still hoping that destiny will put us together one day. On your lake, on a concert, in a pub - wherever.

I hate me for my weakness.

Take care.

XOXO

 

Hi from behind the mountain

 

At the moment I am not sure, if it was a good idea to start this correspondence with you. Obviously your mate does not want us to be in touch and I should respect it. And thinking of you hurts me a lot. In fact it makes me pretty sad.

I saw that little riddle and found 8 bands. Most of them I quiet like - funny enough again those Pumpkins. The right season for Pumpkins - everywhere orange and soon I will make the first Pumpkin soup for this autumn.

Don’t tell me that I am silly. I know that already. And if one searches long enough, everything can be connected to you.

By the way: one of my main Sponsors is aswell main Sponsor for the Biathlon WCC in Lenzerheide and I will try to get tickets. The official sale started already but I reaaaaaally would like to get VIP seats with meet & greet. I don’t know if that will be possible, but I would love to see Doro & the German athletes. I follow them all online and I can’t wait for the season to start. Last season I shared the experience with your room mate. I will simply miss it - and it will never be the same again. Although I watched Biathlon since the 80th. Loooong before we got to know each other.

Speaking of sponsors: our big event is approaching very fast and I was pretty successful finding investors. I should change the job and sell something 🙃.

 

Have a nice evening

XOXO

Good afternoon to you 

How was your day so far? Are you well? After staying 2 days at home and fighting that cold, I am a bit exhausted. I had my monthly "Employee Council Meeting" - which went - for a change - pretty smooth. Did you know, that I am only the chairwoman, because your room mate said I should do it? Back in the days, i asked for his advise and he said that I should do it. So I did it. And I was more often convinced to throw it all away than being convinced that it was a good choice. The last 6 months were pretty rough. Especially because my wingman and most trusted person has left the company. It seems, that this is something, that happens pretty often to me. I rely on people, and they just leave me behind. I am doubting, that I am doing a good job. I want to be a mediator and not a tool. But not everybody in that council looks at it this way. Maybe I am too much of a rebel - I never do what I am told. Perhaps I am too idealistic - but this company needs new ideas. It's difficult to be the head of a democratic organ and at the same time someone has to decide. 
I asked your buddy once why he thought I should do it and he answered: "because it seems you are good at it." In my own opinion, I don't think I am good at it. It's politics in a tiny little world and I couldn't be less diplomatic. I am terrible at it. 
However, I am tired and exhausted.

I need a cup of tea and my cat on the lap

A big hug 

the girl behind the mountain 

Hello my little friend

 

Yesterday I had a discussion with Ivan, my Peruvian friend. I met Ivan just a few weeks after I met your room mate.

The difference is, that it was always easy and uncomplicated with him and he became an important part of my life during the last months. Even though he lives on the other side of the world and we've only met virtually so far. But I'm sure we'll change that.

You want to know why he did not get tired of me? Good question – I can only assume, that I am more myself with Ivan, than I ever was with your buddy. Ivan can take my moods much easier and I really thank him for this.

Ivan is of the opinion that you should let your buddy know that I write you letters.

I am torn – on the one hand it would be nice if he read all this. On the other hand, I know he is still mad about me and there is no way back. So I can still tell myself that one day everything will be fine and at some point I'll forget he ever existed.

That might never happen, but I hope I can look back without missing him and feeling the urge to throw myself in front of a train.

The other reason is, he is a professional author and he might laugh his ass off at my stammering. Not that I believe, he would ever read what I have to say.

I really wonder why life is doing that: he gives a shit and I am here, unable to forget him. How can I be so mistaken? I know you don’t have an answer for me – even if you live with him. He seems not to give second chances – so be careful what you are doing. You might have to live in his garden if you say something wrong. And don’t drink his Gin – by the way: did he ever accept the Gin I send to his birthday? I think, it ended up somewhere in the throat of a homeless person.

Have to go for now. Long weekend ahead for more letters to be written 😉

 

XOXO

Greetings to Italy

 

Today I am sad. My best friend will be released from hospital next week because he wants to die at home. He will start the palliative chemotherapy because he tries to be with us until Christmas. All his organs have metastases and he got an artificial anus because he can’t digest anymore. Cancer has eaten him alive.

He promised me, that we would go out for dinner this year and have a G&T together. I did not say anything because I was busy swallowing my tears so he said: «ok than just pour a plate of Spagetthi over my urn..»  

He is talking about his funeral with a lot of black humor. So I told him, that I would pick the music because he has a terrible taste in music. We both laughed and cried at the same time.

I did not even know that a heart can break in to a million pieces. I could use a little comfort from your buddy, but I'll settle for writing to you.

The moral of the story is that life is far too short and we should all do everything we can to enjoy it to the full. We don't know when it will end. It can happen so quickly.

 

Take good care of yourself.

 

XOXO

Happy Sunday my friend

How are you? My cold got worse: nose totally blocked and so is the rest of my head. Feels like some put a lot of cotton in my nose, ears and brain 🤧😉. 

Over the last few days, I've been asking myself why I'm writing to you. I don't really have a clear answer - but I think it helps me and I enjoy it. The good thing about thinking, it can always accompanied by music. And in this case my old friends from Depeche Mode bring me through the darkest moments. When "Violator" was released, it was like a revelation. It truly inspired me - not the hits like 'Enjoy the silence' or 'Personal Jesus' - they are for sure great and I love them. But the song which I really, really adore is 'Halo'. i have seen them so many times - I stopped counting. I love their interaction with the audience and how small the world becomes. It reduces to the moment you hear the first riff and immediately know which song is next. It's always pure pleasure and it means so much to me. Not many people do understand this. When the music washes over you and makes you feel happy and leaves you destroyed at the same time. I like it when the lyrics guide the melody and vice versa - that separates the wheat from the chaff. Fortunately that's for everyone something else.

i still don't know if I should let your buddy know that I am writing to you. The worst thing that can happen is nothing. So what's the point of doing it? Or what's the point of not doing it?

What do you think I should do?

stay healthy and don't catch a cold

 

xoxo 

 

Hey my friend

I do not know what to tick: fuck it? Fuck you? Fuck me? Fuck off? I guess "fuck it" is the best in this situation. It does not really change anything- so I share, keep writing and keep missing. That's it. And sooner or later I will be fine. 
i guess I have to stop eating Greek yoghurt and stop baking. And stop drinking Gin. And stop watching Biathlon - oh fuck this. 
I am still me and nothing can change this. But I wait for the day where I don't think about you two when I open my eyes. The dwarf with the most stubborn room buddy. 
Or maybe the right answer is 'fuck no' 🤷‍♀️😂. Oh whatever. I am and always be ruled by my emotions and not by my brain. What brain? No brain detected over here. 

sending you warm regards 

xoxo 

Good afternoon 

It's Monday. I used to hate Mondays - but since I am not working on Mondays anymore, I love them. Most of the time I have appointments but today it was just me. No obligations, just time to spend with whatever i want to. I shortly thought about going out to town, but I can't be bothered. I stayed in and baked a cake. It's been a while - during the summer I hated to add some heat to the kitchen but now it is getting chilly and I enjoy baking again. I made the cocunut cake everybody likes that much. I will take it to the office tomorrow to make people happy.

Unfortunately I followed a friends advice and invited your buddy to this blog - guess what happend? He blocked the rest of me he was able to find. It wasn't a big surprise - nevertheless it hurts. I havent expected him to get back in touch with me. I just wanted him to read what I have to say. I really don't know why I am these "persona non grata" to him - fair enough he doesn't want my friendship. But hating me that much is a big bit to swallow. Which brings me to the conclusion, that I was just a meaningless girl on his endless list. 

That's not who I am or how I want to be treated. To me there is only one reality. I clearly say that once and never again: Ghosting and blocking someone after months of contact is not cool or nice or anything. It is just bad and shows lack of responsibility. The moment you start to share your life, you take over responsibility. And just because someone maybe did this to you, it does not justify to do this to someone else too. You evolve together and by cutting one side of, you deny the other side the opportunity to react. However, I am sure if the universe wants us to be in touch again it will happen. And I am aswell sure, that happiness is pretty easy to find if you let it happen. Noone else is responsible for yourself but you.  I do not know who I reach with my letters. I like to write them and pretend I still write to a little dwarf in Italy. But whoever I do reach: be kind to people. 

Wishing you all the best & take care 

XOXO

 

Good Morning to you

 

How are things in Italy ? I did not sleep very well – I am awake since 4 o’clock in the morning. My nose was blocked and my throat was sore. This damn cold is not getting better.

Charly has a cold, too. He sneezes like an old locomotive and wants to be on my lap all the time.

Exactly from today on - in four weeks our big event will take place. We already have 550 registered guests and I am getting pretty nervous. It will be two long days, starting at 6 am and I won’t be home before 10 pm. After these two days I will be dead. I used to enjoy all kinds of events and exhibitions but nowadays I am always happy when it is over. It is not the same anymore with those old bones of mine.

It seems, that time is running faster and faster. Just a blink and 6 months are gone – sometimes it really freaks me out. There is still so much to do and see and not enough time left.

Since I turned 50, I really hear the clock ticking: it can’t be it, can it? And when they say: «the best is yet to come.» What the hell shall that be?

The body ages and things start to hurt you did not even know, that those bodyparts existed. You start to need more sleep but you can’t sleep due to Menopause issues. It’s a viscious circle.

I long for innocence and all those first times we experienced in the past – but they will never come back. So you start new things, to get those «first time» feelings back. But you can’t gain – the years have taken your free mind and filled with all kinds of experiences.   

Some are good, some are bad and some have taught you lessons.

I have to admit that I am incorrigible: I am stubborn and head over heals and make some mistakes a 100 times. One could think, I learned but everything in me refuses to just give up. Why should I give up ? On my left arm is a tattoo that says: «If you are going through hell, keep going.» Some decisions in life can only be detected as right or wrong when you look back. But I honestly think, there are no wrong decisions – just things you learned - or not. 

The best part of aging – you don’t have to proove anything anymore to anybody. Do whatever you want and what makes you happy. Find your inner peace, enjoy your life and don’t look back in anger 😊. Speaking of which – sometimes it is not of winning or loosing. Just making peace with a situation and not interpreting too much in things you can’t change. What is supposed to happen, will happen anyways.

 

I wish you a nice day

 

XOXO

 

 

Hey there

 

«Hope is he last thing ever lost.» I call my self an optimist – pretty much tho.

In 2016 I lost my job, that I was doing for 15 years. 15 good years – at a solid international industry company. I travelled the world, learned a lot and had a great carreer. One day I came back from London and was called into the office.

Without further ado, I was dismissed. No explanation, no reason. Just dimissed.

I had to stop working at the same day: got my salary for 6 months and severance payment. I had invested everything in this job and loosing the job was like pulling the rug out from under my feet.

To cut a long story short: at that time I was in a management position and already 45 years old. In Marketing & PR this is ancient: too many young students on the market that do the job for half the money.

It took me nearly 2 years to get back on my feet – I was very, very close to give up. And I was more than desperate. But deep down in me I always knew, that there was that job somewhere out there for me. After writing over a 1000 applications, I finally found a job.

A great job for a good company – but with a bad boss. She was bitchy and it was hard to work for her. But I did it – for 16 months. It was mandatory and I knew, I was again without a job after this time. And so it happend again. I was jobless and 2 years older by than. The past had tought me, it wasn’t easy – but not to give up.

At the end it was pure luck: I got a job far away from Marketing & PR. Travelling 2 hours a day and earning half of the money I was used to.

I managed somehow. I hated it, I struggled but I found a way back to myself and more – I learned a few things I had lost over the last decade: not to lead a team, but to be a part of a team. I had an amazing boss, with an incredible attitude towards life. He tought me, to be positive and to believe in myself and that good things will happen. He became a very close friend – this friend, that is trying to fight cancer for a while.

I stayed with this company during Corona and after four years, I finally found my job back in Marketing. So why am I telling you this ?

This is the reason why I never give up – even if it seems hopeless. I went through a lot of shit – but I survived. And I really believe, that you just have to persevere. But a positive attitude to life and people helps a lot. I never said, that it is easy – good things take time. It is like swimming – keep going : if you don’t swim, you will drown. So keep swimming and you will finally reach the shore.

 

Maybe one day you and I will sit over a G&T and laugh about all this..

 

Have a great day & take care

 

XOXO

 

 

Good morning my friend!

 

Guess what? In the little town, just 5 min away from where I live, opened a new shop. It sells tobacco and spirits.

I pressed my nose against the shop window to see if they also had Gin. They have!

It seems that they have a rare Scottish Gin. My plan is, to check that one out today and maybe buy it. Haven’t treated myself for a while and I guess I really should do that.

I was a bit concerned when my doctor told me, to be careful not to slip from one addiction to another. They diagnosed Adipositas – which is an addiction – and that is the reason why I got my gastric bypass 2.5 years ago. It seems to happen, that a lot of bypass patients end up in drinking too much. I was worried, that it would happen to me because of the fact, that I like Gin a lot.

I grew up with my alcoholic Grandma and I know how that looks and feel. So no, I am not planning to develop a new addiction. I am glad that the operation helped me to get rid of the other one.

Funny enough, this surgery has turned my life completely upside down. My little world was changed in a way I had no idea that it could be like this. Suddenly people take notice and tell me, that I look good – all those years I just existed. I still look in the mirror and ask myself who is this person? And I still feel like a liar. And if someone had told me in advance how much it would change everything, I would not have believed.

But those old patterns are graved too deep, to get rid of them easily. The fact that your buddy rejects me is only my fault (in my head). How I look, how old I am and that I'm not good enough.

Fortunately, I have some amazing people in my life that make me believe, I am good enough. At least for them. I only wish, I’d be given the chance to proof him that I am not a complete idiot.

That brings me back to the «I treat myself today thing».

I will let you know, which gin I bought.

 

Have a great day.

 

XOXO

 

 

Buongiorno amico mio

 

How are you today? It’s Friday and I am looking forward to 3 days spare time. And, to taste the new Gin I bought yesterday. I wanted to buy a Scottish Gin but ended up with buying an Estonian and a Swiss Gin. The Scottish Gin was described as sweet with Rose and Vanilla flavor – and that is something I really do not like. I prefer Gin where you can taste the Juniper and then some herbs and other ingredients that that do not distort the taste.

It is said that the Estonian Gin tastes and smells like a wild wood 😊. I quiet like the idea, and I am looking forward to tasting it tonight.

The black edition of the White Rabbit is a Swiss Gin. They say you taste Rosemary, coffee and Lime. This is such a strange combination that I only bought a small bottle. I cannot image how these ingredients work together.

I am really looking forward to tasting those new Gins. But I must admit, that shop is dangerous 😊. I was tempted to buy the Isle of Harris Gin too. But this is a pretty expensive Gin (from my point of view) and I guess I will wait until X-Mas or check if I can get it cheaper in Germany.

I will be going to the X-Mas market in December to Germany to drink some mulled Gin.

X-Mas markets over here are known for mulled wine and mulled Gin just came up the last few years. It is even more dangerous than mulled wine. Its hot, tasty and strong. Very easy to get drunk and wake up the other day with a terrible headache. But anyway – why not?

Btw:  Met guy from a German Grunge band called “Maeglin”. I quiet like the sound and they are now on my playlist. There is really a lot of good music out there, which is easy to discover these days.

 

Have to go now – talk later.

 

XOXO

 

 

 

Good afternoon

 

I am angry about myself. I should have realized months ago that this was a one-sided story. I am trying to find out what is behind this. Do I really feel something? Did I get carried away?

Or was it only interesting for so long because I couldn't have it?

Honestly, I don’t know. But the longer I think about it the more I feel ashamed. I forced someone to find weekly a new way to block me, ignore me or even erase me. #wtf

I can say a hundred times that I am sorry, but my behavior hasn’t changed. Just because I wanted to get a message through which the receiver obviously was not interested in getting.

I don’t know what I had done if it would have happened to me.

Maybe I would have done the same, maybe I would have spoken plainly.

I'm just glad that everything I've done to stay in touch hasn't been exposed yet. But I really must stop myself now and leave him in peace.

I sound mad to myself and to someone who does not know me, will send me immediately to a closed mental hospital and never let me out again.

I am tired, I am disappointed, and I am done. I officially declare that chapter closed.

The best thing I can do is to accept, that the best years are over and there is nothing better to come.

In this society you only count when you are young. No one wants to talk about a Midlife Crisis. Nobody wants to hear that you suffer from Menopause and that you are seeking for the meaning of life.

My generation is getting lost in social media and is unable to distinguish itself from reality. We think it is so easy to meet new people. But it is not. Sooner or later you realize, that it is only superficial. We use AI’s to text (I don’t), we have an Avatar that looks like you would like to look, we have filter on our photos and there is no commitment anymore. Always in mind, something better could be around the corner. If you make the mistake to let yourself feel something for someone, you will be disappointed.

But as I said, maybe I did not feel anything – maybe it was the hunt that made it interesting. I waste energy to analyze it – it is over.

It is time to move on and let go.

 

Whoever reads this, take care.

 

XOXO

 

Good Morning

Autumn. Lazy weekends where you stay in without regrets. Tea and cookies and non-stop Netflix. Watching the yearly movies like „The Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink, Pretty Woman, Star Wars, etc.“ At least once a year I watch those movies and during X-Mas I add Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter.

I can’t remember which film I watched last in the cinema - or when.

Maybe next week I will go to the cinema to see Kate Winslet in „The photographer“. I like her a lot - she is an amazing actress and a very inspiring woman. Very authentic and in peace with herself.

Somehow I managed not to spy on your buddy since Friday and I feel relieved. To say that I am in peace with myself would be the exaggeration of the year. But it feels good.

Yeah it does. My mind still wanders but it’s ok. One day it won’t wander anymore. He will have his peace back and so have I.

Maybe this is again something I have to learn this year: to let go and accept. Not easy - especially when giving up is not programmed in your DNA - but most likely there is a difference between the issues. When it’s connected to another person. You can‘t force someone into something.

I rely on faith. If it is meant to happen, it will.

I tried the new Estonian Gin last night. It really smells like a wild wood: Pine is very strong. And when you taste it, it’s quite pleasant. Juniper with herbs and a bit woody. Not very strong and without a long finish. But I really like the Gin.

It was a good investment.

I still have the Gin from the Isle of Harris in my head 🤭🙃. Maybe I wonˋt wait until next months 😜. I will definitely let you know.

Yesterday I read a quote which I would like to share with you:

 

„Tears that you have laughed, no longer need to be cried.“

 

I leave you with this for the moment.

 

Have a nice Sunday

 

Xoxo

 

 

Hi there

I spend the whole weekend with doing absolutely nothing. Including trying to avoid thinking. I watched Netflix all day long and tried to keep my head as empty as possible. I am so tired of my thoughts that always turn around the same themes. I am tired of worrying about my friend, about my parents, about time that is ticking, about my job, about you.

All those unspoken things are eating away my substance. There is so much I want but I can’t have or can’t reach.

Someone said to me, that he likes my kindness and wanted to know if it came natural. I think it is a difficult question. I guess kindness is something that develops the older you get. Life treats you and forms you into a certain person. It’s a constant process I guess.

I want to be kind and I want treat people with the greatest respect, because that’s the way I want to be treated myself.

I know you don’t always succeed - it’s human being. All we can do is try to be the best version of ourselves everyday. All we can do is learn. Learn from the past and try hard. I think it gets easier with age. You react more relaxed  because you are able to see through peoples behavior or pattern.

So if I am kind, nice, funny ……why am I not good enough? So here goes my „not thinking weekend“ down the drain. I would like to reveal something but I don’t dare. It has to stay in darkness for a while.

 

Good night for now.

 

Xoxo

 

Good Morning to you

 

I hope you had a good start into the new week. I am not sure what’s going on in my life right now. I am moody like hell: from one minute to the other I am sad and feel disappointed and the next minute I am confident and happy.    

It is really exhausting.

On Sunday I broke my own “series watching record” – because I wanted to stop myself from thinking, I watched non-stop Netflix. At the end, I had watched 15 (!!) seasons of series without noticing 😊.

Ivan my friend from Peru is planning to immigrate to Europe. It will be great to have him in the same time zone. We might not get to see each other very often, but the time difference between Peru and Europe is 6/7 hours and the window to communicate is short.

Funny enough we met online, and we are communicating now for 10 months – I can no longer imagine what it was like without him. 

It is nice to get his point of view to certain issues and I love that he is a music enthusiast like me. We don’t share completely the same taste, but he understands my passion for music.  

Ivan struggles with his life himself – one will call it a midlife crisis. I call it the search. We all search the meaning of life, and he is the bravest. Planning to leave everything behind and start a new life on the other side of the world. Wow! You have my greatest respect and admiration. I try to support you as much as I can.

“..when we shake of the darkness and harness the light..” (Nothing but Thieves – Overcome)

I hope that Europe will not disappoint him.

Than brings me to the point where I question friendship. Why do some people stay in your life? Why do some people step in and step out – but leave their marks? Why do some guide your way for a while and then leave without a trace?

I do not know. I really tried to answer this for years. I do not make friends easily. I do not have a female best friend since Kindergarten or Highschool. I tend to be friends with men. I prefer the company of men. They are easier than women – they are not bitchy or complicated. They mean what they say – no hidden messages.

I am straight forward myself. And I know that his is too much for some people. A woman that is straight forward, meaning what she says is not something this society likes. We are still developing which role we must fulfill. I am here to please myself and no one else. Life is complicated enough without doing what the rest of people expects us to do.

At the end of the day, I just want to please myself – when I am happy, I can make other people happy. Not more, not less. But I think this is something one must learn – sometimes the hard way. Ivan is that kind of person, that accepts who you are not trying to change anything. It makes me feel comfortable and explains, why we have not given up at each other. Why he has decided to stay at my side, I don’t know 😊.

Well, I think it’s Peru’s loss and Europe’s Jackpot – I am looking forward to have him here.  

 

Take care & all the best

 

XOXO  

 

 

Anybody out there?

 

Today is a foggy and rainy autumn day. My favorite season has turned into a wet disaster – like the past summer. Maybe the weather just mirrors my moods – nice idea: I can make weather 😉. No, I better don’t do that – it would change every 5 minutes the way my feelings are a rollercoaster.

Yesterday while I was driving home, I was listening to that special music mix I created. With all those songs that remind me of you two Italians. I ended up in changing the Playlist because I could not do that anymore to myself.

For a while I will not listen for example to the Smashing Pumpkins, Weezer, Sex Pistols, Jimmy eat World or Alice in Chains. There are many more, but they do not trigger me that much – and I liked them long before I met you. It’s not fair to ban The Crosses – they have nothing to do with this shit 😉.

Today I gave my friend I used to work with, the address of this Blog. She is only the 3^rd person I know, that can read the letters to you now. Including Ivan and your room buddy.  

Well, your room buddy has probably never read a single word I wrote down. But anyway – he could if he were interested.

I trust my friends, that they don’t judge me, and I appreciate their opinion. If I ever publish this, they will know who I am and keep my secret. I am sure.   

It’s not my intention to be mean. But if I ever publish, your buddy will really kill me. I think he would go crazy – even if no one could trace it back to him.

He will go mad as well if he’d ever get to know, that a few weeks ago I got in touch with him again under a different name. I just wanted to proof to myself (or to him) that I did not make up the connection we had. It was there again – immediately.  

I did not have to tell lies – I was just myself. Just a different name – in his words: “it clicked immediately”. It was great for a week and then I sabotaged myself.

Looking back, it as a big mistake. I am sure by now he knows that it was me. And he is outrageous that I did this to him. And maybe a bit, that I was right. And that I have deceived him. It was wrong for so many reasons. I am sorry about it.

The punishment came immediately – I have to live with the knowledge that he will never forgive me. There is no way back.

You know by now, that I like to talk about the moral: age is no protection against stupidity and we will make mistakes until we die.

 

I wish you a great day

 

XOXO

  

 

Hi everybody

 

Last night I was told to add more spice to my letters. Some fictional ideas – something that makes them more interesting to read. I can’t stop thinking about this. On one hand I want someone to read what I have to say but on the other hand, I can only write if it comes from me. These are not fictional letters – this is what happens in my life.

This is who I am, the things that move me and what bothers me. That might be boring. But you are free to either read or not read what I have to say. No offence taken – just what I was thinking. And to be honest – I agree that I should stop writing about a certain person down in Italy. Everything that can be said was said and I am moving on.

But it is a good transition to what I am going to talk about today: crazy stupid love.

When I say “love” I don’t mean the inevitably all-consuming, romantic love.

Love comes in all shapes and forms. I love my cat, my friends, coffee, G&T, cozy evenings on the couch in front of the TV, swimming and Yoga, books and music.

The list is endless. One could now say that we use the word “love” too careless. But I am glad that we love so much.

The opposite of love is “hate”. My list of things that I really hate is short.

Do we use the word “hate” less negligent than love?

I hate raisins. I hate getting up early and I hate it, that people are too stubborn to see that we are all human beings. No matter which color, which sex, which sexual orientation.

I want to believe, that most of us love more things than they hate.   

Life is so much easier, if you don’t hate but love from the bottom of your heart. I am well aware, that there are times when it seems impossible to love the little things.

It took me quiet a few years to gain more poise and confidence. It is so much easier when you take the situations with more serenity and love. At the end of the day we all have our stories and burdens to carry. I want to understand peoples’ behaviors and don’t be judgmental.  

Not an easy task. There are moments where I get uncontrollably mad – but it is not good for me. It takes too much energy from me. And I know that my batteries do not re-fill that easy as they used to. I prefer to stay calm and focused. I just breath 😉 and try to channel the negative energy. I am not a saint – just a mid-aged woman with a bunch of experiences.

I hope you made it down here and if not, you have your reasons.

 

Wishing you all the love of the universe

 

XOXO

 

 

Hi everybody

 

I guess I was a bit negative in my last letters. I want to change that. I spoke about all the unpleasant aspects of aging as a woman. But to be fair, not everything is bad.

Me – part of the generation X – grown up in a small town in the heart of Germany. With good middle-class upbringing. My Mum told me early what was expected of a woman – my Dad on the other side made me do things, a girl in the early 80^th was not supposed to do. So I changed tires and helped renovate the house. But he always was strict with boys and left me in the believe, that a girl did not have to have sexual desires.

I lost my virginity with 17 and experienced the opposite sex. I liked boys and I liked sex.

But the sexual liberation never happened to me. I enjoyed it but never lived what was in my head or my phantasy.  

It was graved too deep into my head that lust and desire is mainly for men.

And than my world was turned upside down. My body started to process the so-called Menopause. I knew that it existed. I knew about heatwaves, insomnia, and moods but I had no clue, that the hormones turn a woman into a sexual beast.

You open your eyes and all you can think of is sex. You look at men during the inappropriate moments and suddenly: desire! Just the picture of two bodies having uninhibited sex. It happens any time, with strangers, with people you know well.

When it started, it was overwhelming. No control about the pictures in your head. Nothing you can do. Just pure lust.

Well, all you can do is help yourself. Sometimes more than once a day. And you start to imagine, how life is for a man. Always programmed for sex. Yes ladies – this will happen to you. And now it is crystal clear, why younger men like mid-aged women so much.

Sex all the time – must be heaven.

What can I say? It’s a relief and I know why it happens. So all the stories that were told behind hands about elderly women. They are true. Absolutely true. And even more. I am glad men can’t investigate our heads. And I am glad that generations of mid-aged women went through this and helped me not to develop a guilty conscience.

No need for that. Its natural and it is good. We just need to enjoy that. Do whatever makes you happy. And if it is a guy 15 years younger – take what you can get.

Women had to wait far too long to free themselves.

So aging can be fun – oh yes. And I am really talking by experience. No fiction needed – but a bit spice for you Ivan 😉. For more details we might change to a more private platform.

 

Ladies, this one is not dedicated to an Italian dwarf. This one is dedicated to our sexuality!

 

Have fun 😊

 

XOXO

 

  

Hello

 

Ivan thinks, I should add some fiction to my letters. Something like a talking dinosaur in my garden…😉. Well, I’d rather not talk to a dinosaur – just in case someone is listening. I prefer not to end up in a closed facility. (I guess he only wants the dinosaur because he will do the illustrations if I ever publish anything.)

The longer I think of it, the more I like the idea….

What if there were someone new in my life? A coincidence if he were from Italy, too? Or do we believe in faith?

If I could create someone, I would want him good looking (of course). With dark hair and 3-day beard. Someone well educated – who can stand a fight about politics with me.

Someone who reads books, loves music and is the right mixture of being present and absent. Someone who treats me well, is tolerant and likes animals.

Someone who can stand my moods and only smiles when I am grumpy or just ignores me.

Well, that will drive me up the wall – but that’s a different story.

A guy that is a passionate lover and knows how to seduce me – over and over again.

Sounds too good to be true? Well yeah – I agree. But maybe it can happen...

I don’t believe in God – but I believe in faith. Ladies if you are looking for the perfect guy – you’d better forget it. No one on earth is perfect – there might be the one soul out there for you. But what if this soul lives in Alaska? And to the Gents that are reading: stop searching for the perfect woman – she might exist down in the ocean and has a fishtail.

Life is not a fairytale about dinosaurs and mermaids.

We are what we are. Imperfect creatures on a lifelong search.

I will now check my garden – just in case there is a dinosaur that wants to tell me something.

 

So long

 

XOXO   

 

Hi everybody

Reading my last letter again. I have to admit that writing letters to an Italian dwarf is not so far away from talking to a dinosaur in my garden 😛.

Unfortunately I did not find a dinosaur or a dwarf. I only found falling leaves and cheeky little birds that stay during the winter. They know, that they will be fed and - if not very careful - they will feed my cat Charly. Circle closed.

Very often I hate the fact that Charly kills mice and birds just for fun. But maybe that’s for a predator the same like for us the interaction with other people. How knows?

I know, that I love to interact with people from all over the world. As a teenager I spent a lot of pocket money to send letters to my penpals in different countries. Sometimes it took weeks until you had an answer in the mail.

Nowadays it is so easy: for every preference you have an app. You would like to find people that love music - you match and 5 minutes later you start a conversation about music in the early 90th. You have a Fetish? You like cooking? Baking? No problem - an app connects you. But they all have in common, that they only scratch the surface. It is so easy to get in touch with an other person, it does not create liabilities.

You talk, you disagree, you go. End of story. And you start again with someone else. Another circle.

It happens, that you find someone that enters your life and stays. This someone supports and encourages you. And you can only hope, that you do the same to this person, too. Giving and taking to close the circle, but in a good way. Deep below the surface, life changing.

To round it off: past and present in a perfect symbiosis.

Maybe this is not my best letter but I hope the message went through.

Good Night for now

XOXO

 

 

 

The Morning after

Another sleepless night. Endless thoughts about people, my life, what I have and what I want. What I desire and what I have achieved in my life.

What could have been and not has happened. Decisions I made or haven’t made.

Best thing I can do is reading. Finding peace in stories someone else has written down. The best stories are those that force you to read slower. Slower to linger - linger in the beauty of a strangers construction of words.

When you finally close the last chapter und you start to miss the characters you just left behind - than you know it was a great story.

I remember one of my first books I ever read when I was 6 years old was „Uncle Tom‘s cabin“ by Harriet Beecher Stowe. I don‘t think that I completely understood what it was all about. But it had a big impact and it left me with the longing to read more stories that produced that pictures in my head.

Later with 15 or 16, Stephen King fascinated me: I read ‚It‘ 7 or 8 times. It frightened me a lot. But the more I read, the more details I discovered. It never lost its horror. I still don’t look into the sewer when it’s raining - and I still don’t like clowns, nor red balloons 🎈.

A great author can do that to you. Send you to a different place in a different time. Makes you cry and laugh and makes you fall in love with the main character.

So maybe one day I will reach someone’s mind with my stories and create pictures in their heads. I really do love the idea.

Keep reading - maybe I will get there one day.

 

XOXO

 

 

"L'enfer c'est les autres." J.P. Sartre

I meet people and most of the time, I can't free myself from expectations. I expect them to be honest. I expect them to be fun. I expect them not to play games. 

At the end of the day, it's a great dissapointment. But why is it a dissapointment? Because I expected something from the other person. If I had no expectations, there were no dissapointment. 

Taking people as they are would really set us free. 

Ivan called me this morning: a bit drunk and disspointed because his night did not go as he expected it. He is still asleep because of our time difference and the alcohol :-). So I don't know yet, what exactly happend. But I am sure I will find out soon. He had his expectations. Surprise, surprise. He ended up dissapointed and hurt. 

Are other people hell? Yes and no. We interact and can't see the complete picture. Just a snapshot of a situation - but the story behind that lead to where we are now, might never be reavealed. 

If we end up dissapointed, than because our expectations were too high. 

So what do we have to do? I will try not have high expectations. The less the better - people are caught in their own private hell. Let's not make it worse. 

I apologize to Lino for too high expectations. 

So long 

XOXO

 

 

Lenses and Autumn feelings 

Today I started another try to get lenses. One eye is now corrected to see in the distance and one to see in the near. Strange feeling I can tell you. My brain keeps correcting and hasn't found the right distance yet to balance it.

It will not be possible to reach the same visual acuity like  with glasses. Writing on the small laptop screen is better with the glasses. But I will keep the lenses on today. To get used to it and decide, if I want that as a solution for an event, the beach or similar. 

While I was driving to the next city to see the optician, I was amazed by this autumn day. The leaves are colored in brown, orange and red - the sky was crystal blue and the Alps had some small little clouds on the top. It was gorgeous - I love those colors and the crystal clear air. I want to be out, walk through the wood with all the fallen leaves on the ground and just breath the fresh, mild air. Mild, but you start to smell, that winter is just around the corner. 

Most people start to get melancholic during this time of the year - but I enjoy it a lot. I love those cosy times. Not feeling the pressure to be out and do something. This time of the year is the most relaxed ever. Long nights, short days- More me-time. Without feeling guilty. I could not live without seasons - when winter is than finally over and you want the sun to warm your soul and skin and it starts all over again. So welcome Autumn - I was waiting for you for a while and please stay here with me :-). 

 

XOXO

 

Hi everybody

I read briefly in my horoscope that Mars is doing something in his house and that it will be a difficult month for me :-). Hell, what has Mars to do with my moods? I don't know. I believe, that the time you were born in, has influenced your personality. I am an April child and I can be like April: four seasons in one day. Right now I am stormy and difficult. 

My best friend started Chemo and he got all the side effects they know of. He got pneumonia on top of cancer and is dizzy all the time.  Yeah, maybe Mars has something to do with all this shit but I am worried about my friend and people around me take so much energy from me. One could think, that I can sleep like a baby but its the opposite. I get 4 - 5 hours of sleep and than I am wide awake. I am tired and still try to be positive. 

If that planet influences me, I might ask Elon Musk if he could fly me to Mars so that that I can get some sleep. I sleep very well when its cold - so best conditions over there. Is there life on Mars? Even Bowie had no answer to this question. 

Flying is the key: sit on a plane go South to a beach where you can get a good drink and stay there. Watch the ocean making waves - at least for a while. Not thinking about the world - just beiing. 

Or I would like to get the silicon chip inside my head removed (haha - Bob Geldorf...did you get that?) before it will overload. Just NOT thinking for an hour or two. I would love that. 

I have to go now and do more thinking. More details to be revealed soon.

 

Take care 

 

XOXO 

 

 

Good Morning

 

Sometimes the universe sends someone to your life when you at least expect it. The minute you start to talk, you have a connection.

You have a lot in common, you share the same humor and you are curious about those things you do not share.

It can’t be foreseen where this encounter will take you. But it makes you feel good for the moment. And this is all that really counts.

Be happy and enjoy what life has on the plate for you. It’s about the little things and you never know what is right around the corner for you.

Not everybody has the luck to grow old and live a long life.

Even if we struggle, we are alive. Even if it seems to be too dark – we are alive. We live and learn from the things that happen to us.

Most of the time it makes us stronger.

I heard a nice analogy this morning on the radio - about a field of sunflowers. The field used to be beautiful in its bloom – now it’s brown and miserable. But the farmers asked people not to touch the old, rotten flowers. The seeds in the blossom still have to ripen before harvested and processed into oil. The best is yet to come.

Like humans – in the bloom of our lives we shine bright and the older we get, the less attractive we might be.

The body withers but the mind sharpens from all the experiences we make. Like the sunflowers – we become very precious.

Precious if we are willing to share and teach the younger generations.

I will try to remember this analogy the next time I look into the mirror and struggle with my appearance. And I will cherish that I am healthy and alive and be able to meet new people that come to my life and maybe stay for a while. ¨

Bloom as much as you can

 

XOXO

 

 

Hi everybody 

I had a few very busy days (and it will get worse) and I felt miserable for many reasons. I concentrate far too much on people in my life - what they do, what they did not do and what I wish they would do. I am so tired about myself - I  should be concentrating on myself and just be happy.

This blog is all about good advices - hell yeah, I should listen to myself more often and stop being a smart ass. 

Having said that, I will follow my own advice and get something done. I have to work a bit, because time is running fast and I start to panic a bit. Too much to do and so little time. At the end of the day it will be done - of course.

Ivans clock is ticking now, too. He is definitely coming to Europe end of November. It's a challenge and and I know he is scared like hell. But on the other hand: what is the worse that can happen to him? He is forced to go back home. That is all that can happen. So be brave my friend - you will be fine! And you have the experience of a whole new adventure. 

My adventure is actually, that I really would like to get this book written which I have in my head since ages. Maybe it is too ambitious - and maybe it won't be good. But who cares? I will write my story down and either there is someone that would like to read it - or not. End of story. 

If you do not try, you never know if you might have succeded. And to be honest: the fact that you finally DO something is a huge step. 

For today I have to go. Sending my regards 

XOXO

 

 

Hello again

 

I have to apologize for not writing. My mind is occupied at the moment and does not leave much energy to get something written.

In so many ways, life has served me new opportunities. In a speed, that I can hardly follow. New people, maybe a new job – new friends. Decisions need to be made, disappointments and successes – all in one week.

Allies around the corner, people you thought that they would support you are just a big disappointment. But here we go again with those expectations.

I am the only person that needs to trust in my skills – if I trust myself than I will find the strength in me to succeed. And if I will not - I can at least say, that I have tried.

I have to admit, that I am pretty much spoiled – everything I ever wanted in my life I finally got. Sometimes I had to take the long and stony road – but with my stubbornness and not giving-up mentality I got what I wanted. If it will be enough this time – I do not know. The support from the people around me is overwhelming. And that means the world to me.

That room buddy of yours almost made me think of myself as being nothing but dirt.

But this chapter is closed – finally.

 

I wish you all the best and hope you are doing well.

 

Take care

 

XOXO

 

 

Hi everybody 

 

It's time to write again, because things are going mad. Totally mad. The last crazy and busy days I realized, that I was relying far too much on other people. I do not know exactly when this happend but all of a sudden there was silence from all my friends. Not a word of support, not a word of "how are you" - just silence. 

It really hits me hard - I try to get everything done, and be there for everybody and the other way round is just ignorance. Am I asking too much? 

Sometimes I really feel very out of place at this time. It is too fast and to superficial for me. All I want is a bond to people that lasts longer than 24 hours.

Everybody is running around, looking for friendships that lasts a week and when somone better or more interesting appears on screen, you are left behind. You actually never get a chance to really get to know someone. People loose interest quicker than a cat  that chases a mouse. 

I guess I just have to protect myself from those people that just take my energy and do not really care. But how can I do that? I am not like this. If I like someone, I want to be in touch. I want to care and I want an healthy exchange. 

Maybe I am not very patient - but I am willing to accept other peoples flaws. Can they do the same for me, too? 

I will listen to The Smashing Pumpkins "Mellon Collie and the infinite Sadness" and get my bags packed - big event will start tomorrow and I won't be home until Tuesday late.

 

Have a nice Sunday 

XOXO 

 

 

Hi everybody 

 

We did it! Busy weeks and two very busy days are just behind us. After a big event, it is for me always the same: adrenalin is leavin my body and I start to freeze and get tired like hell. At the same time you feel relieved and happy - it is a bit like a drug. You work hard for months and suddenly it is over. Your body is aching and your mind is full of impressions you gained the last 48 hours. I like it. It widens my horizon and reminds me, that everything is in flow.  

But the best thing I always take home is the spirit of great team work. Surrounded by people that make it happen - you help each other, you laugh together, you are tired togehter and you are hungry together. It is a great feeling. The success is ours. We are part of it. Especially the girl power is so great and I love it. We need to empower each other and take care of ourselves in this male dominated world. 

If women stand for each other, we really could change our world. I really believe that it is time for a change. But it lies in us - we can only do it, if we stand together. If we fight each other, men will always win. And I guess, we really can do it. 

I wish you a great autumn day and all the best! This is again for you girls!!

 

XOXO

 

This one goes out to the ones I love... 

 

Today I was surprised that sometimes it makes sense to be patient. Patience is not really my thing. I like things to be moved – I want things to happen. But in this special case, I guess it was good to just relax and let things happen. I really do not know where it will bring me to, and I don’t want to think about it - but it feels good. It has been ages that it has felt right – and it really does feel right. For a change I am not in the driver’s seat – I don’t steer. And funny enough, I like it. Me, the woman always controlling everything just let’s go. Wow! Maybe I should try that more often 😊. Not sure if my inner monster could handle more patience. In fact, I am surrounded by people with a lot of energy, and I enjoy coaching them and help to calm down. That takes my impatience away. Which brings me to this aging thing again – I love to be the “wise, elder woman”. Being there for the younger generation – and: they really take my advice. There is no bigger compliment.  

So yes, this one is to the ones I love and to those who are impatient like myself. Remember: some things need time!!! 

 

XOXO

 

 

My day off 

After the busy weeks, I took the day off and visited my friend just across the border. She just took over a little boutique and she totally loves her job. I guess I tried every single piece in her shop and more. We spend hours to find something that I like. She only sells high quality that was produced in Europe. 

It's classy, stylish and so totally me. I have to admit, she knows my style and when she buys the collctions she often has me in her mind.  I love that. 

I prefer to buy my clothes in little shops like hers: I know the owner and I know where the pieces were produced. I'd rather have high quality and buy less than buy many, cheap things and throw them out after a season.

My parents were never interested in quality, it needed to be cheap. As a teenager I always got the cheapest clothes they were able to find. I had to wear no name Sneakers which was really a bad thing in the 80th. Addidas or Puma was the brand you had to wear. I was never one of the cool kids - I was the one withe the two stripes Sneakers and the no name Jeans. I decided to find a job when I was 13 and so I did. I remember that when I got my first loan (it must haven been 100 German Marks back than) I took the bus to Koblenz and bought myself clothes. It was summer sale and I got a few pieces for the money. And I was so proud - nobody understood the value of those first clothes.  

Ever since than I value good quality. It took a while to find my style. I like it elegant, classy and colourful. I prefer pieces that are timeless and can be worn a few years. My biggest "thing" is, I want everything to match. Before I buy something, I check in my head what is already in my wardrobe that can match with it :-). It's a habbit and a tick. But the feedback I very often get, tells me that I am right. 

I like to combine and create new looks. It just makes me happy. I love fashion and I love that it can make the best out of everybody. And it is always a good idea to have some basics in your wardrobe that can combined with anything. 

No, I am not a fashion victim. I just like to be dressed well. 

Today I bought  a woole pullover and sunglasses. That's all. But these two pieces are a beautiful addition to my selection. And I am sure, I love both for a few years. 

Have a nice evening 

XOXO

 

 

Music it is 

Saturday afternoon. My time to listen to music. I always start with the new Indie mixes Apple creates weekly for me. They are really getting better I have to admit. But my music taste is pretty much a collection of everything, so it is not easy.

I like real English Punk, Rock, Grunge, Synthie Pop, Heavy Metal, Indie with all its facettes and much more. 

Depeche Mode is my favorite band. It started when I was 13 or 14 - Dave Gahan was and is my hero and will always be. I only need to hear 1 second of a song and I know what it is. I have been to uncountable concerts. I followed them round Europe to see them more than once. I saw Dave at his darkest hours during the "Violator" and the "Songs of faith and devotion" tour when he nearly died. 

I love, love, love the music and after a concert, my voice is gone because I have to sing and dance all along. But that does not mean, that there are no other bands, that made it to my personal hall of fame. 

Very silently Placebo won the place directly next to Depeche Mode. 

I only saw Placebo once (so far) but they really blew me away. When I decided I wanted to see them, it was just after Corona. Tickets were cheap and I knew one or two songs. Their performance was fucking AWESOME. Brian Molko with his spectacular voice, the synthies, the heavy guitar riffs just washed over me. 

I still get goosebumps when I remember back. The music was so heavy, it left me destroyed and made me totally happy at the same time. Thats now 3 years ago and they have a fix place in my music heaven. 

Not many people understand the love I feel for music. Music is my best friend - it's always there when I need support or if I need to relax, remember or just enjoy. Music connects us - music connected Ivan in Peru with me. Even if he is on the other side of the world, he knows what I feel about music. This is how we got in touch and now we are friends. So never underestimate what music can do for you. 

Maybe your thing is something else - but I hope you have something in your life that touches you that deeply like music touches me. 

"Love on an atom
Love on a cloud

To see the birth of all that isn't now

Can you imagine a love that is so proud

It never has to question why or how?"

(Loud like Love - Placebo)

Have a nice Saturday.

 

XOXO 

 

 

 

 

"Hell Yeah or No"

Sunday evening - a nicely spend day off. With homework, listening to podcasts and music , reading and baking. Exactly the kind of things I like. Some may find it boring - I appreciate the time I have with myself and my passions. 

I read an article about people being not happy and trying to add more and more things that even make them more restless and more unhappy. Derek Sievers writes about this in his book: if you can't say "hell yes" to the things in your life just say"no" - reduce your life to the things you totally want. From my point of view, it is a very healthy way of looking at things. The older I get, the more serenity I feel. Before I act, I wonder if it is really worth fighting for. If the answer is "hell yeah" - I do it. But honestly, most of the time the answer is just no. Very often it is fighting windmills and I do not want to waste energy for things I can't change anyway. That gives me peace of mind. 

That does not mean, that I can't stand for the things I think they are important to me. But I try to stay away from things that take my energy away. That includes now many points: friends, job, things, family, new encounters with people. If they don't make me happy I say no. For my own sake. It might sound selfish - but I guess I am a better person when I react calmyl and focused. 

It's my life and I have to make myself happy before I can make someone else happy. Less is more. You learn to appreciate the things you have without adding more and more weight. 

I am clearly not there - but I walk the way and  hell yeah! ;-) - I like to keep walking....:-)

Reducing the speed is quiet often pretty helpful and healthy. But this is another story - you know best what is good or bad for you. 

I gain for serenity - let me know when I am there ;-).

 

Have a beautiful evening.

 

XOXO

 

 

 

 

“Who do you need? Who do you love? When do you come undone?”

 

I am sure, some of you will know which song I am quoting. Of course it is a band from the 80^th – in fact there was a time, where I liked them more than Depeche Mode. You don’t believe me?

The album “Arena” which entered the charts in 1984 is one of the most played records I owe – seriously. I was totally in love with Simon Le Bon and I watched the video “Wild Boys” a hundred times: they were tied to a big turning wheel and every time Simon went under water my teenage heart missed a beat.  

It was a phantastic time and the music is still more than great. Just recently someone crossed my path who is a big fan and brings back all those memories. I hope one day he will be able to exchange his memories with me from this time of our lives.

So, yes there was a time before DM 😊.

But why do I quote this special song? Because by the time it was published in 1993 it brought them back to my mind – loved it from the first tone. In fact it is one of my favorite songs from Duran Duran.

Simon once said, it is a song for everybody falling in love for the 1^st time…

I like 1^st times: 1^st kiss, 1^st love, 1^st visit, 1^st taste (when it tastes good), 1^st coffee in the morning, 1^st waking up together, 1^st time listening to a great song…. The list is endless – and those 1^st times are kept forever. And new ones will be created – hopefully.  

My personal longing is to see London again for the 1^st time.

I was 13 – and a Duran Duran Fan by the time I visited the city the 1^st time. I fell in love immediately – truly, madly, deeply. No other city in the world does that to me. I lived there, I visited London, I was breathing the dirty air down in the tube. I sat on Leicester Square just to watch people passing by. I strolled along Carnaby Street, went to Harrods and to the tower. Fell in love with some English guy and ate “fish and chips” – with a lot of vinegar - for the first time.  

There is not much I haven’t seen in London – and I still wish, I could experience it for the 1^st time again.

When do I come undone you want know?? Well, I guess this letter gave you the answer 😊.

 

 

XOXO   

PS. I bought one of those band mirrors in London with – yes, Duran Duran on it. 

 

 

 

Walking down the memory lane

 

Yesterday I had dinner with an old friend of mine. We went down the memory lane together and discovered, that we know each other now for over 20 years. 20 years is a life but it only feels like a moment. That inspired me to look into old pictures of myself. But pictures from the past are rare. It is not like today – everybody has a camera available all the time. And to be honest, I am glad my sins from those days are not documented. What happened in the past, stays in the past 😊.

I remember a hot and sticky summer evening. We went to the pictures to watch a movie – can’t remember what it was. At the end of the film we were so sweaty, that we decided to drive to a near quarry pond to go swimming. No one really knew where the pont was, but it was hot and we wanted to go swimming. Naked of course. I remember that we were running around in the dark wood, trying to find the damn thing to cool ourselves down. We had stopped by a petrol station to buy drinks and snacks. The only thing was missing was the pont. No, we never found it. It was a dark night and I think we were walking around in circles…drinking, smoking and laughing.

After an hour we turned around and I am still wondering how we made our way out of the wood. The next day my friend went back to the place and discovered, that we missed the pont by only 50 meters – it was a great night anyway. Full of laughter and joy you can only have when you are young and reckless.

Sometimes I miss those days, but it is still so present that it fills my heart with a lot of love for the past and the people that made it till today.

Cheers to friendship: old and new!

XOXO

 

 

Netflix series on demand 

 

Friday again. Another week over with mixed emotions, dissapointments and clearly too much male power over me. I am fed up with lame excuses at work: oh you are in the rooom? We can talk you? Hell, yeah! I am not invisible and I am doing all the work. And I am here - so why talking to my male boss or my male collegue?

In 37 working years it is a premiere that I am in an misogynistic environment. I worked 15 years in the defence industry and I was never treated like this before. Women in this branch are secretaries and assistant - but never a head of a project nor a head of Marketing. Clearly I will not get the job I applied for. My collegue - who is really star - 25 years old and has no experience was asked by 5 (!) guys, if he will take over our bosses job. I do not even want to waste energy to write down what that does to me. So much ignorance and disdain. 

But not only at work I find it pretty hard to deal with men. I am not a Netflix series, available on demand. You ask me something, I reply (later than normal because I was in a meeting) and than at least 24 hrs silence. #wtf 

So let me understand this: I have to be the Netflix series (always available on demand) and you can be the movie that will sometimes be played in the theater? Right?  

Maybe I am old fashioned or traditionel. If you are busy and need a break - fine. But noone is too busy to answer in days! You are not interested? Fine. You are angry about something I did? Fine.

But just talk to me and let me know. Communication is everthing and I'd rather been told to piss off than to be ignored - or ghosted like it is called now. 

Treat me with the respect you want to be treated - or even better: Treat me with the respect you want your daughter to be treated with. Metaphorically spoken. 

The only light at the end of the male tunnel is my friend Ivan: he never treated me with disrespect, he never played games and he never disspointed me. I am looking forward to have you on this side of the world. I am sure Peru will miss you alot. Perus loss - our jackpot.  

My weekend will be quiet and I guess, it is time to watch some old movies. Just really nice stuff - something to laugh and cry and a very happy end. It's the time of the year for this. 

 

This one is dedicated to all the good men around. Take good care. 

 

XOXO

 

 

November and everything after

November is the month, most people do not like. In November a lot of people die - November is rainy, miserable and foggy. It is the time for autumn storms and the first snow. I have no problem with the month - it is the time for a good book, tea and candles. It's the time to start x-mas bakery and get the decoration out. And not to forget: Biathlon season starts. I am obsessed with this sport - I always liked to watch any kind of sport on TV. But biathlon is my favorite: I am so fascinated by the combination of speed and precision. That brings back some memories of my Italian buddy. He was also a big fan and we used to watch the races together and text each other on the phone.

I wonder if he remembers that too. 

Like so many other things, it is gone for good. Luckily I was a fan long before we met and I will be a fan long after the memory has faded.

Sometimes I do not know where my path will lead me. It is cloudy, foggy and stormy like November. One day everything seems fine and the next day, everything is a big question. I'm not very patient and I don't like to be kept in the dark. This applies to my work as well as my personal life. Give me some direction - let me know if there is hope.

If not, I want to close the chapter and move on. I have wasted enough energy and time with wanting the wrong things and the wrong people. Like in Biathlon: be fast but still precise. You have to hit the target right in the middle. Otherwise you earn a time penalty or an extra lap. If you don't hit my target or you move too slow, I might be gone for good. 

Of course I am keeping my fingers crossed for the German athletes, but also for the Italians, Norwegians and French. It's a big family and a bit different from the rest of the sports world. I like it a lot. 

 

Have a great day and try to be as fast and precise as you can! 

 

XOXO 

 

 

 

 

You got to have faith 

 

Ivan is more or less on his way to Europe. He is scared, nervous and wonders, if this was a mistake. He leaves his family and friends to start all over again. I keep on telling him, the worst thing that can happen to him is that he has to go back home. But the word "home" says it all - he has a way out. If he fails over here - he can pack his back and fly home. If this is, what his ego will like or not, is written on a different page. 

Sometimes you have to just jump - maybe you land on your feet. Maybe you roll over and struggle. But it is always, always an experience and you gain wisdom and knowledge out of it. 

I wish I could be of any help - but he has to jump alone and swim.  

You can do that my friend. You have a dream, so work for it. It will not come easily - but if you believe in yourself it will finally be happening. 

I am the best example: I never gave up and here I am. It was a hard path I had to follow, but I managed somehow. And I had to walk alone too. But I did it and what I got out of it can't be taken away from me. I know I can handle anything and everything. 

My friend have faith in yourself. You will find new friends over here, you will finally find a place to live and you will find a job. And on top of it: you already have friends and family spread all over Europe. 

 

Have a great journey & lets talk when you finally arrive in Amsterdam. 

 

XOXO

 

 

 

When is it too much?

 

I consider myself to be a self-confident and open-minded person. I grew up with all kinds of nations and all kind of sexual orientations. I believe that love is love. And anyone can fall in love with anyone at any time. I have never felt disadvantaged in my life or career because of my gender. Until now.

I am 53 and for the first time in my life, I feel helpless because my employer really treats women badly. I am speechless about all these things that happen. If someone had told me that beforehand, I wouldn't have believed it.

Woman are treated without respect. They are harassed – they are not paid well and they are not even considered for a promotion.

As a part of the employee council it is my job to expose such abuses.  

Fortunately, women have faith in us and tell us, what is going on.

But it is a huge mountain we must climb and change things. Structures are old and we are clearly not in the 21^st century.

This council was implemented last December, because the fluctuation was and is extremely high: especially women do not stay very long. After a year they leave to find something else. I can only speak for myself, but I really question if it is worth the energy, I am putting in.

Usually I would say: “I am all in”. But this is too much.

Do I really want to fight for something that seems hopeless? I don't know. The girls really hope that we can make a difference, but I really doubt it.

It starts at the top and works its way down. And all they say is: "It's our branch". Hell no!!!! It's everyone's damn behavior and has nothing, nothing to do with the environment we're in.

Reflect yourself and think before you say or do something.

They are not even aware of what they are doing wrong.

If my colleagues prefer to hide who they love, it is really sad. Or if they rather leave than say something, it’s tragic.  

I would really like to give up - but I was elected for a reason. And it's time for a change and to get rid of the glacé cloves.

 

Treat others as you would like to be treated.

 

XOXO

 

 

 

How to make a fool of yourself 

 

I am an expert in making a fool of myself.  So if you ever want to walk in my shoes, just follow my instructions. 

Why you should want that you might ask? Well, there is nothing like the feeling of embarrassing yourself. 

Just let me give you an example: you are a very impatient person but you meet someone you really care for. You decide to - for a change - wait and be patient. Usually you prefer to be in touch daily and talk, write or meet regularly. This time you play by someone elses rules - the more you wait (and give) - the less you get back. You start to wait for 24 - 36 hours before you hear something. Hours become days - days become a week. Messages are not even read. 

You start to question the date you have planned, because you have to ask yourself - if you are not worth a text why meet someone? Of course I can play by someone elses rules, but why do we need to play anyway? Can't we be honest with each other. Are you interested? Yes, fine. You are not, fine with me too. 

Another example: you apply for a job. Instead of being honest with you and saying: "no, we do not see you on the job. They say: "we are having an external consultant to find out what is the best for the company. That will take approximately 6 months and that will give enough time for the new guy to make his way to the job. The bitter end: A female person can't win in this company. 

What is the moral of the stories?

Honestly? I do not know. You can now believe, you are not good enough and surrender.  Or you just give a shit and keep going like you do. 

I really think I am fallen out of time and space. And I question myself a lot these days. What the hell bit me, that I thought I deserve the job or the person? Name it: madness. 

Obviously I am resistant to counselling - I make the same mistakes over and over again. I trrust people, I trust situations and I overestimate myself. I think I give up. I had enough of making a fool of myself.

 

Enjoy the winter wonderland outside 

 

XOXO

 

Are you a gambler? 

 

Ever since I can think back, I liked to play and of course win. I learned Chess and Poker at a pretty young age and I love to play. We were 12 or 13 when my best friends Grandpa taught us Skat - it is a German card game. Its pretty strategic and we enjoyed playing it. I was never good in sports so I prefer to use my mind for a competition. 

Chess is something that calms me down - in my mind I see a room with an open fireplace, heavy leather furniture, books and two people playing Chess over a G&T. Its kind of sexy and passionate. To me a sharp mind is very attractive - beauty fades but intelligence stays and grows over the years. 

I have no idea if my mind is sharp, or if I am what one calls clever. I just like to gain knowledge and train my brain. Especially when one gets older, I think its very important to do something for your mind. Women have the higher risk to get Dementia because of the missing hormons after the menopause.  It frightens me a lot - more than any other disease.  So I think it is a good idea to stay in competition and play some games that train my brain. 

Apart from this, I really like to win :-). Fortunately I am not a bad looser. I don't like it, but I accept when someone is better than me.

I once played a Poker tournament in the Casino in Interlaken and reached the final table. We were 50 people when we started and the final table 7 or 8. I made it to place 3 and I won a bit of money. That evening I was really in a tunnel and nothing distracted me - I just concentrated and played. It was awesome and one day I want to do it again. Reading people and not showing your own emotions. Learn to have a Poker face :-). 

I think Poker is a good training for many things in Life - if you can control your emotions and don't show to people what you really feel or think. 

Maybe the complete life is a game and only a few people look behind your forehead. I prefer not to let anyone into my brain - it's much healthier for me. 

 

Enjoy the game of life & take care 

 

XOXO

 

 

 

 

 

When are we enough?

 

We all know the feeling: the mirror shows the ugly truth. You stand there and what yesterday seemed pretty much ok, changed over night. You don't like yourself: the hair is messy, the wrinkles around your yes show your true age, your body is not in shape and you are not a size S - far away from it. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder - but what does that really mean? Life is much easier for beautiful people. And that is prooven: when you are beautiful, it is easier for you to get a job. If you are good looking, it is easier to convince people that you are a nice person.

So beauty is obviously not in the eye of the beholder - there must be a stereotype, that makes people like or dislike you. But what happens to the people, that do not fit into this frame? 

Those people, have to work much harder than those who have the looks. They might be more intelligent but in this world, it just does not count. Very often its just about the surface - what lies beneath will most of the time be ignored. 

I am not saying that I have a different approach. Don't judge the book by the cover - but I often do. Until the rest is on display. And very often I do like the cover but the rest is not of my taste. 

Normal people become beautiful when they reveal their inner beauty. And if that happens, we are back to the fact that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It definitely is. 

Next time you look into the mirror and you do not like what you see - just remember, that the inner beauty counts. 

 

Take care of your inner beauty 

 

XOXO

 

 

 

You cannot not communicate

 

Very often in life you think you are clear in what you say and what you do. But in many cases the opposite gets a different message just because you are contradictory.

While you are in the situation, it seems to be the right thing to do. You maybe just shake hands instead of giving a goodbye hug. You realize afterwards that the opposite wanted something else and the message you did send was “stay away”. The only thing you had in mind was to avoid an embarrassing situation. Damage done.

Why is it so difficult to interact with people and avoid damage and miscommunication? I do not have an answer. It happens to people that know each other well but especially to people that just start to get to know each other. Humans are complicated. Sometimes I think it is like the communication between a dog and a cat: if the dog waves its tail, it is happy. But the cat understands: he is aggressive. Just because in cat language it means attention, I am not in the mood to be nice to you.

What does that mean? We must learn to understand that we are not all speaking the same language - but for both sides. Because we are not just sending or receiving. We are always doing both.

When I get the impression that it is always me who has to learn and adapt to the other person, it gets annoying. It really does.

I do this up to a certain point, but if it becomes too one-sided, I stop the contact. Having said this, I will now start to enjoy my weekend. Biathlon season starts tomorrow, and I can’t wait to see the athletes and see how they are doing.

 

XOXO

 

 

And it happend again 

 

Dear Dwellio 

How are you? I have to apologize that I haven't been in touch for a while. I was very busy trying hard to forget our time we spent togehter. The start of the Biathlon season hit me hard - I wanted to share the new team constellations with someone who knows the sport as well as I do. Unfortunately all ways lead me to your buddy. Wounds that I thought were closed opened up again.

I was really close to pick up the phone and call him. I only stopped myself last minute, because I knew it will not change a thing. He will not pick up anyway and if he does - which is not very realistic, he will not listen to me. So I better watch my Biathlon without him, as I did the last 40 years. 

I hate me for this. I really do. Its been nearly a year and I still miss him every day. Why is it like this? I feel lost, lonely, dissapointed and angry. Maybe it is just the season - I don't know. 

I am not even productive or creative at the moment. Writing isn't a pleasure nor baking. 

Maybe the X-Mas market on Thursday/Friday will cheer me up. At least I will get some mulled Gin which is really a nice perspective. 

I hope you are in a better mood my friend. Take care 

 

XOXO 

 

 

Christmas markets and other season feelings 

 

The short trip to a German X-mas market was quiet pleasant. I spent a bit too much money but I don't regret it I have to admit. Every piece I bought is precious to me. I enjoyed our time together eating, drinking and just seeing something different. I had a few mulled wines and mulled Gins and so I slept pretty well in the hotel we stay every year. It's in the center and you do not have to walk or drive long distances after you spend time on the market. I quiet like it. 

But I am not in my typical x-mas mood this year. Everything seems to come around too soon. It just feels, that we had summer and suddenly Santa is knocking on the door. Time flies. 

People react strangely at this time of year. Ivan doesn't seem to be in a good mood since he's been to Amsterdam. I don't know why or what I've done wrong. It was always easy going with him but now I have to be very careful what I am saying - he is very often offended and does not talk to me. He is not reading this blog anymore, so I can write about it :-). 

I could not feel any lonelier at the moment as I do right now. I usually enjoy this time of the year.

However, I watch winter sports on TV and listen to Depeche Mode - that might help. I don't know. 

I hope you can enjoy your Sunday. Take care 

 

XOXO

 

 

Christmas bakery and other traditions 

 

Today I had planned to go to Berne to do some Xmas shopping - and drink a Toffeenut Latte at Starbucks ;-). That's just a must during this season and I need to drink it at least once. So I got up early but I was just not in the mood - so I stayed in and did instead some xmas baking. 

I very much enoyed baking during the morning. I made some "Vanillekipferl" and something  I created myself with cinnamon, Rum and chocolate. Very nice.  Baking always helps me to relax. 

The last two weeks before the Xmas break will be prett busy. Tomorrow I will be in meetings the whole damn day and on Wednesday I will be in Zurich again. It's always the same:people think everything needs to be done before Xmas and when it finally arrives, you are too tired to enjoy it. Its absolutely weird.

We have decided to go to Germany to visit my parents on the 26th - we used to go on the 24th but the traffic got that bad, that we decided to drive out on a bank holiday and back on the weekend. Maybe it helps. I only hope for good weather - at least no snow or ice would be helpful. 

I wrote a xmas card to your buddy today. Not that he will open it, but I just wanted to. It will end up unread in your  bin, but anyway. I tried my best. I obviously piss people of for reasons I don't understand. I send white chocolate to that new guy in Zurich but I propably will not hear from him either. 

I wonder what is wrong with me and what I have done in a former life to decide this. Maybe I should stop looking for good. 

Have a great evening.

 

XOXO