2024

My dear friend

The weekend is over. I was wondering how you were doing. What music he made you listen to and if he was baking something nice. I spent the whole Sunday working on my playlist which I named after him. Don't laugh! It's good music - I swear! 
Yeah I know you want to know what's on it. Unfortunately you are on Spotify and I am on Apple Music, so I can't share this with you. I can only give you some examples if you want me to. 
oookay, here we go:

** Wicked Game -- Chris Isaak          No explanation needed, I guess...

** Sugar -- Editors                                The lyrics hit the target. Totally. Don't you think?

** 1979 -- The Smashing Pumpkins   Just because this song let's me think of you both. 

** Love, Hate, Love -- Alice In Chains 

** Too many friends -- Placebo          Because you have too many friends. There's no more space left. 

** if you only knew -- Shinedown       Yeah well, I guess I never told you how important you two are.

** Wish you were here -- Pink Floyd 

** into my arms -- Nick Cave              

Maybe you can listen to the songs when he's out. And maybe you will find a way to let me know how you like them. 

 2024

Good evening my friend

How are things in Italy? Over here autumn showed it's beautiful face. It was nice and sunny. Just as I like it. I spend the day outside drinking coffee and doing some shopping. In fact it was a very lazy day. No Yoga on a Monday you might ask? No, we are having a break so it is the 2nd week without Yoga. 
I do not have a torture chamber like your buddy - do you work out in that cellar, too? Do you like it? There must be a lot of spiders down there. Creepy like hell. 
But it pays out I have to admit - you are in pretty good shape for a dwarf... If I dare to say that. 
I don't feel very well at the moment - I guess I caught a cold. Or it's just the result of the lack of the sleep.

You ask why I don't sleep? Well, I think too much. Over and over again I wonder how we can keep in touch and I wonder what I did wrong to deserve to be ghosted. Even Charly misses you like hell. He regularly brings some mice home, because he knows you like them too.

Today I told my Peruvian friend about this project - he will probably be the only person ever reading those letters. Maybe I connect this Blog with Instagram to increase the chance that someone will read this. Apart from Ivan I mean. 
By the way: have you already heard the new single from "The Cure"? It's quiet good - Alone is approx.3/4 instrumental and last 1/4 he sings. If you get the chance listen to it and let me know what you think. 
Tomorrow I will be in the office, so I can't promise if I will find time to write. But I try my best.

take care & good night 

ps. Please keep our secret 🤐 

Buona sera amico mio

How are you today? I am not so well - I caught a cold and I feel miserable to be honest. While I was feeling sorry for myself, I stumbled over this Japanese expression and it made me smile. Recently I paid more attention to Japan and Korea. Why is that you might ask? The two apple series "Shogun" and "Pachinko" on one hand and a bit your room mate, too. 
He did not tell me much about his fascination for Japan but I am very inspired by the culture of the UK. So I guess I understand him a bit.
if I had to choose another country to live in, I would always pick Scottland or England. I love the history, the countryside and the cities. When driving across the country with all the sheep, it looks as if one could pick them up. Little white clouds everywhere. It is so peaceful and calm. I love the pubs and the friendly mentality- and the British dark humor. It is hilarious. 
and believe it or not: the food! Yeah as an Italian you can't take them serious: but real good Cheddar, or a beef pie.....or even better: Sunday roast! Mouthwatering! Really! 

And of course I am a big fan of the British Gins. I learned to drink G&T in Scotland. That is more than 30 years ago. I fell in love with the places and the people. They are still in my heart and they always will be. This is just the way I make friends - they will be forever in my ❤️! Like you.

I hope to hear from you soon.

Take good care of yourself 

XO

the girl from behind the mountain 

 

Hi my friend

 

I found the above pic and had to laugh out loud. It is so to the point - even if you might be a bit offended (the dwarf thing ;-)

Clearly you two have experienced me at my worst moments. I really wanted to explain this to your room mate, but I never got the chance.

I don’t want to make excuses - I sit and watch myself wondering who I am. Unfortunately I had to take Hormons to get a bit of balance back.

I had hoped that I could get over you when a bit more centered.

Time flows by and it still hurts. I miss you like hell - you are still always on my mind. First and last thing. Sounds lunatic? Maybe.

It is just the way I am. I never let people in easily - but if they are in, I hardly get them out of my system.

I really wish, I‘d be given a second chance. It’s been more than 5 months without a word. I gave up trying to contact you - you have made your decision and I should let you go. I don’t know why I am unable to do so.

„All your mental armor drags me down…“ (Bush)

I am sure you haven’t wasted a second thinking about me.

You closed that chapter on the 21st of April and went on.

I am still reading the book trying to find a way to finish it. Maybe these letters will help me to do so.

I am still hoping that destiny will put us together one day. On your lake, on a concert, in a pub - wherever.

I hate me for my weakness.

Take care.

XOXO

 

Hi from behind the mountain

 

At the moment I am not sure, if it was a good idea to start this correspondence with you. Obviously your mate does not want us to be in touch and I should respect it. And thinking of you hurts me a lot. In fact it makes me pretty sad.

I saw that little riddle and found 8 bands. Most of them I quiet like - funny enough again those Pumpkins. The right season for Pumpkins - everywhere orange and soon I will make the first Pumpkin soup for this autumn.

Don’t tell me that I am silly. I know that already. And if one searches long enough, everything can be connected to you.

By the way: one of my main Sponsors is aswell main Sponsor for the Biathlon WCC in Lenzerheide and I will try to get tickets. The official sale started already but I reaaaaaally would like to get VIP seats with meet & greet. I don’t know if that will be possible, but I would love to see Doro & the German athletes. I follow them all online and I can’t wait for the season to start. Last season I shared the experience with your room mate. I will simply miss it - and it will never be the same again. Although I watched Biathlon since the 80th. Loooong before we got to know each other.

Speaking of sponsors: our big event is approaching very fast and I was pretty successful finding investors. I should change the job and sell something 🙃.

 

Have a nice evening

XOXO

Good afternoon to you 

How was your day so far? Are you well? After staying 2 days at home and fighting that cold, I am a bit exhausted. I had my monthly "Employee Council Meeting" - which went - for a change - pretty smooth. Did you know, that I am only the chairwoman, because your room mate said I should do it? Back in the days, i asked for his advise and he said that I should do it. So I did it. And I was more often convinced to throw it all away than being convinced that it was a good choice. The last 6 months were pretty rough. Especially because my wingman and most trusted person has left the company. It seems, that this is something, that happens pretty often to me. I rely on people, and they just leave me behind. I am doubting, that I am doing a good job. I want to be a mediator and not a tool. But not everybody in that council looks at it this way. Maybe I am too much of a rebel - I never do what I am told. Perhaps I am too idealistic - but this company needs new ideas. It's difficult to be the head of a democratic organ and at the same time someone has to decide. 
I asked your buddy once why he thought I should do it and he answered: "because it seems you are good at it." In my own opinion, I don't think I am good at it. It's politics in a tiny little world and I couldn't be less diplomatic. I am terrible at it. 
However, I am tired and exhausted.

I need a cup of tea and my cat on the lap

A big hug 

the girl behind the mountain 

Hello my little friend

 

Yesterday I had a discussion with Ivan, my Peruvian friend. I met Ivan just a few weeks after I met your room mate.

The difference is, that it was always easy and uncomplicated with him and he became an important part of my life during the last months. Even though he lives on the other side of the world and we've only met virtually so far. But I'm sure we'll change that.

You want to know why he did not get tired of me? Good question – I can only assume, that I am more myself with Ivan, than I ever was with your buddy. Ivan can take my moods much easier and I really thank him for this.

Ivan is of the opinion that you should let your buddy know that I write you letters.

I am torn – on the one hand it would be nice if he read all this. On the other hand, I know he is still mad about me and there is no way back. So I can still tell myself that one day everything will be fine and at some point I'll forget he ever existed.

That might never happen, but I hope I can look back without missing him and feeling the urge to throw myself in front of a train.

The other reason is, he is a professional author and he might laugh his ass off at my stammering. Not that I believe, he would ever read what I have to say.

I really wonder why life is doing that: he gives a shit and I am here, unable to forget him. How can I be so mistaken? I know you don’t have an answer for me – even if you live with him. He seems not to give second chances – so be careful what you are doing. You might have to live in his garden if you say something wrong. And don’t drink his Gin – by the way: did he ever accept the Gin I send to his birthday? I think, it ended up somewhere in the throat of a homeless person.

Have to go for now. Long weekend ahead for more letters to be written 😉

 

XOXO

Greetings to Italy

 

Today I am sad. My best friend will be released from hospital next week because he wants to die at home. He will start the palliative chemotherapy because he tries to be with us until Christmas. All his organs have metastases and he got an artificial anus because he can’t digest anymore. Cancer has eaten him alive.

He promised me, that we would go out for dinner this year and have a G&T together. I did not say anything because I was busy swallowing my tears so he said: «ok than just pour a plate of Spagetthi over my urn..»  

He is talking about his funeral with a lot of black humor. So I told him, that I would pick the music because he has a terrible taste in music. We both laughed and cried at the same time.

I did not even know that a heart can break in to a million pieces. I could use a little comfort from your buddy, but I'll settle for writing to you.

The moral of the story is that life is far too short and we should all do everything we can to enjoy it to the full. We don't know when it will end. It can happen so quickly.

 

Take good care of yourself.

 

XOXO

Happy Sunday my friend

How are you? My cold got worse: nose totally blocked and so is the rest of my head. Feels like some put a lot of cotton in my nose, ears and brain 🤧😉. 

Over the last few days, I've been asking myself why I'm writing to you. I don't really have a clear answer - but I think it helps me and I enjoy it. The good thing about thinking, it can always accompanied by music. And in this case my old friends from Depeche Mode bring me through the darkest moments. When "Violator" was released, it was like a revelation. It truly inspired me - not the hits like 'Enjoy the silence' or 'Personal Jesus' - they are for sure great and I love them. But the song which I really, really adore is 'Halo'. i have seen them so many times - I stopped counting. I love their interaction with the audience and how small the world becomes. It reduces to the moment you hear the first riff and immediately know which song is next. It's always pure pleasure and it means so much to me. Not many people do understand this. When the music washes over you and makes you feel happy and leaves you destroyed at the same time. I like it when the lyrics guide the melody and vice versa - that separates the wheat from the chaff. Fortunately that's for everyone something else.

i still don't know if I should let your buddy know that I am writing to you. The worst thing that can happen is nothing. So what's the point of doing it? Or what's the point of not doing it?

What do you think I should do?

stay healthy and don't catch a cold

 

xoxo 

 

Hey my friend

I do not know what to tick: fuck it? Fuck you? Fuck me? Fuck off? I guess "fuck it" is the best in this situation. It does not really change anything- so I share, keep writing and keep missing. That's it. And sooner or later I will be fine. 
i guess I have to stop eating Greek yoghurt and stop baking. And stop drinking Gin. And stop watching Biathlon - oh fuck this. 
I am still me and nothing can change this. But I wait for the day where I don't think about you two when I open my eyes. The dwarf with the most stubborn room buddy. 
Or maybe the right answer is 'fuck no' 🤷‍♀️😂. Oh whatever. I am and always be ruled by my emotions and not by my brain. What brain? No brain detected over here. 

sending you warm regards 

xoxo 

Good afternoon 

It's Monday. I used to hate Mondays - but since I am not working on Mondays anymore, I love them. Most of the time I have appointments but today it was just me. No obligations, just time to spend with whatever i want to. I shortly thought about going out to town, but I can't be bothered. I stayed in and baked a cake. It's been a while - during the summer I hated to add some heat to the kitchen but now it is getting chilly and I enjoy baking again. I made the cocunut cake everybody likes that much. I will take it to the office tomorrow to make people happy.

Unfortunately I followed a friends advice and invited your buddy to this blog - guess what happend? He blocked the rest of me he was able to find. It wasn't a big surprise - nevertheless it hurts. I havent expected him to get back in touch with me. I just wanted him to read what I have to say. I really don't know why I am these "persona non grata" to him - fair enough he doesn't want my friendship. But hating me that much is a big bit to swallow. Which brings me to the conclusion, that I was just a meaningless girl on his endless list. 

That's not who I am or how I want to be treated. To me there is only one reality. I clearly say that once and never again: Ghosting and blocking someone after months of contact is not cool or nice or anything. It is just bad and shows lack of responsibility. The moment you start to share your life, you take over responsibility. And just because someone maybe did this to you, it does not justify to do this to someone else too. You evolve together and by cutting one side of, you deny the other side the opportunity to react. However, I am sure if the universe wants us to be in touch again it will happen. And I am aswell sure, that happiness is pretty easy to find if you let it happen. Noone else is responsible for yourself but you.  I do not know who I reach with my letters. I like to write them and pretend I still write to a little dwarf in Italy. But whoever I do reach: be kind to people. 

Wishing you all the best & take care 

XOXO

 

Good Morning to you

 

How are things in Italy ? I did not sleep very well – I am awake since 4 o’clock in the morning. My nose was blocked and my throat was sore. This damn cold is not getting better.

Charly has a cold, too. He sneezes like an old locomotive and wants to be on my lap all the time.

Exactly from today on - in four weeks our big event will take place. We already have 550 registered guests and I am getting pretty nervous. It will be two long days, starting at 6 am and I won’t be home before 10 pm. After these two days I will be dead. I used to enjoy all kinds of events and exhibitions but nowadays I am always happy when it is over. It is not the same anymore with those old bones of mine.

It seems, that time is running faster and faster. Just a blink and 6 months are gone – sometimes it really freaks me out. There is still so much to do and see and not enough time left.

Since I turned 50, I really hear the clock ticking: it can’t be it, can it? And when they say: «the best is yet to come.» What the hell shall that be?

The body ages and things start to hurt you did not even know, that those bodyparts existed. You start to need more sleep but you can’t sleep due to Menopause issues. It’s a viscious circle.

I long for innocence and all those first times we experienced in the past – but they will never come back. So you start new things, to get those «first time» feelings back. But you can’t gain – the years have taken your free mind and filled with all kinds of experiences.   

Some are good, some are bad and some have taught you lessons.

I have to admit that I am incorrigible: I am stubborn and head over heals and make some mistakes a 100 times. One could think, I learned but everything in me refuses to just give up. Why should I give up ? On my left arm is a tattoo that says: «If you are going through hell, keep going.» Some decisions in life can only be detected as right or wrong when you look back. But I honestly think, there are no wrong decisions – just things you learned - or not. 

The best part of aging – you don’t have to proove anything anymore to anybody. Do whatever you want and what makes you happy. Find your inner peace, enjoy your life and don’t look back in anger 😊. Speaking of which – sometimes it is not of winning or loosing. Just making peace with a situation and not interpreting too much in things you can’t change. What is supposed to happen, will happen anyways.

 

I wish you a nice day

 

XOXO

 

 

Hey there

 

«Hope is he last thing ever lost.» I call my self an optimist – pretty much tho.

In 2016 I lost my job, that I was doing for 15 years. 15 good years – at a solid international industry company. I travelled the world, learned a lot and had a great carreer. One day I came back from London and was called into the office.

Without further ado, I was dismissed. No explanation, no reason. Just dimissed.

I had to stop working at the same day: got my salary for 6 months and severance payment. I had invested everything in this job and loosing the job was like pulling the rug out from under my feet.

To cut a long story short: at that time I was in a management position and already 45 years old. In Marketing & PR this is ancient: too many young students on the market that do the job for half the money.

It took me nearly 2 years to get back on my feet – I was very, very close to give up. And I was more than desperate. But deep down in me I always knew, that there was that job somewhere out there for me. After writing over a 1000 applications, I finally found a job.

A great job for a good company – but with a bad boss. She was bitchy and it was hard to work for her. But I did it – for 16 months. It was mandatory and I knew, I was again without a job after this time. And so it happend again. I was jobless and 2 years older by than. The past had tought me, it wasn’t easy – but not to give up.

At the end it was pure luck: I got a job far away from Marketing & PR. Travelling 2 hours a day and earning half of the money I was used to.

I managed somehow. I hated it, I struggled but I found a way back to myself and more – I learned a few things I had lost over the last decade: not to lead a team, but to be a part of a team. I had an amazing boss, with an incredible attitude towards life. He tought me, to be positive and to believe in myself and that good things will happen. He became a very close friend – this friend, that is trying to fight cancer for a while.

I stayed with this company during Corona and after four years, I finally found my job back in Marketing. So why am I telling you this ?

This is the reason why I never give up – even if it seems hopeless. I went through a lot of shit – but I survived. And I really believe, that you just have to persevere. But a positive attitude to life and people helps a lot. I never said, that it is easy – good things take time. It is like swimming – keep going : if you don’t swim, you will drown. So keep swimming and you will finally reach the shore.

 

Maybe one day you and I will sit over a G&T and laugh about all this..

 

Have a great day & take care

 

XOXO

 

 

Good morning my friend!

 

Guess what? In the little town, just 5 min away from where I live, opened a new shop. It sells tobacco and spirits.

I pressed my nose against the shop window to see if they also had Gin. They have!

It seems that they have a rare Scottish Gin. My plan is, to check that one out today and maybe buy it. Haven’t treated myself for a while and I guess I really should do that.

I was a bit concerned when my doctor told me, to be careful not to slip from one addiction to another. They diagnosed Adipositas – which is an addiction – and that is the reason why I got my gastric bypass 2.5 years ago. It seems to happen, that a lot of bypass patients end up in drinking too much. I was worried, that it would happen to me because of the fact, that I like Gin a lot.

I grew up with my alcoholic Grandma and I know how that looks and feel. So no, I am not planning to develop a new addiction. I am glad that the operation helped me to get rid of the other one.

Funny enough, this surgery has turned my life completely upside down. My little world was changed in a way I had no idea that it could be like this. Suddenly people take notice and tell me, that I look good – all those years I just existed. I still look in the mirror and ask myself who is this person? And I still feel like a liar. And if someone had told me in advance how much it would change everything, I would not have believed.

But those old patterns are graved too deep, to get rid of them easily. The fact that your buddy rejects me is only my fault (in my head). How I look, how old I am and that I'm not good enough.

Fortunately, I have some amazing people in my life that make me believe, I am good enough. At least for them. I only wish, I’d be given the chance to proof him that I am not a complete idiot.

That brings me back to the «I treat myself today thing».

I will let you know, which gin I bought.

 

Have a great day.

 

XOXO

 

 

Buongiorno amico mio

 

How are you today? It’s Friday and I am looking forward to 3 days spare time. And, to taste the new Gin I bought yesterday. I wanted to buy a Scottish Gin but ended up with buying an Estonian and a Swiss Gin. The Scottish Gin was described as sweet with Rose and Vanilla flavor – and that is something I really do not like. I prefer Gin where you can taste the Juniper and then some herbs and other ingredients that that do not distort the taste.

It is said that the Estonian Gin tastes and smells like a wild wood 😊. I quiet like the idea, and I am looking forward to tasting it tonight.

The black edition of the White Rabbit is a Swiss Gin. They say you taste Rosemary, coffee and Lime. This is such a strange combination that I only bought a small bottle. I cannot image how these ingredients work together.

I am really looking forward to tasting those new Gins. But I must admit, that shop is dangerous 😊. I was tempted to buy the Isle of Harris Gin too. But this is a pretty expensive Gin (from my point of view) and I guess I will wait until X-Mas or check if I can get it cheaper in Germany.

I will be going to the X-Mas market in December to Germany to drink some mulled Gin.

X-Mas markets over here are known for mulled wine and mulled Gin just came up the last few years. It is even more dangerous than mulled wine. Its hot, tasty and strong. Very easy to get drunk and wake up the other day with a terrible headache. But anyway – why not?

Btw:  Met guy from a German Grunge band called “Maeglin”. I quiet like the sound and they are now on my playlist. There is really a lot of good music out there, which is easy to discover these days.

 

Have to go now – talk later.

 

XOXO

 

 

 

Good afternoon

 

I am angry about myself. I should have realized months ago that this was a one-sided story. I am trying to find out what is behind this. Do I really feel something? Did I get carried away?

Or was it only interesting for so long because I couldn't have it?

Honestly, I don’t know. But the longer I think about it the more I feel ashamed. I forced someone to find weekly a new way to block me, ignore me or even erase me. #wtf

I can say a hundred times that I am sorry, but my behavior hasn’t changed. Just because I wanted to get a message through which the receiver obviously was not interested in getting.

I don’t know what I had done if it would have happened to me.

Maybe I would have done the same, maybe I would have spoken plainly.

I'm just glad that everything I've done to stay in touch hasn't been exposed yet. But I really must stop myself now and leave him in peace.

I sound mad to myself and to someone who does not know me, will send me immediately to a closed mental hospital and never let me out again.

I am tired, I am disappointed, and I am done. I officially declare that chapter closed.

The best thing I can do is to accept, that the best years are over and there is nothing better to come.

In this society you only count when you are young. No one wants to talk about a Midlife Crisis. Nobody wants to hear that you suffer from Menopause and that you are seeking for the meaning of life.

My generation is getting lost in social media and is unable to distinguish itself from reality. We think it is so easy to meet new people. But it is not. Sooner or later you realize, that it is only superficial. We use AI’s to text (I don’t), we have an Avatar that looks like you would like to look, we have filter on our photos and there is no commitment anymore. Always in mind, something better could be around the corner. If you make the mistake to let yourself feel something for someone, you will be disappointed.

But as I said, maybe I did not feel anything – maybe it was the hunt that made it interesting. I waste energy to analyze it – it is over.

It is time to move on and let go.

 

Whoever reads this, take care.

 

XOXO

 

Good Morning

Autumn. Lazy weekends where you stay in without regrets. Tea and cookies and non-stop Netflix. Watching the yearly movies like „The Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink, Pretty Woman, Star Wars, etc.“ At least once a year I watch those movies and during X-Mas I add Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter.

I can’t remember which film I watched last in the cinema - or when.

Maybe next week I will go to the cinema to see Kate Winslet in „The photographer“. I like her a lot - she is an amazing actress and a very inspiring woman. Very authentic and in peace with herself.

Somehow I managed not to spy on your buddy since Friday and I feel relieved. To say that I am in peace with myself would be the exaggeration of the year. But it feels good.

Yeah it does. My mind still wanders but it’s ok. One day it won’t wander anymore. He will have his peace back and so have I.

Maybe this is again something I have to learn this year: to let go and accept. Not easy - especially when giving up is not programmed in your DNA - but most likely there is a difference between the issues. When it’s connected to another person. You can‘t force someone into something.

I rely on faith. If it is meant to happen, it will.

I tried the new Estonian Gin last night. It really smells like a wild wood: Pine is very strong. And when you taste it, it’s quite pleasant. Juniper with herbs and a bit woody. Not very strong and without a long finish. But I really like the Gin.

It was a good investment.

I still have the Gin from the Isle of Harris in my head 🤭🙃. Maybe I wonˋt wait until next months 😜. I will definitely let you know.

Yesterday I read a quote which I would like to share with you:

 

„Tears that you have laughed, no longer need to be cried.“

 

I leave you with this for the moment.

 

Have a nice Sunday

 

Xoxo

 

 

Hi there

I spend the whole weekend with doing absolutely nothing. Including trying to avoid thinking. I watched Netflix all day long and tried to keep my head as empty as possible. I am so tired of my thoughts that always turn around the same themes. I am tired of worrying about my friend, about my parents, about time that is ticking, about my job, about you.

All those unspoken things are eating away my substance. There is so much I want but I can’t have or can’t reach.

Someone said to me, that he likes my kindness and wanted to know if it came natural. I think it is a difficult question. I guess kindness is something that develops the older you get. Life treats you and forms you into a certain person. It’s a constant process I guess.

I want to be kind and I want treat people with the greatest respect, because that’s the way I want to be treated myself.

I know you don’t always succeed - it’s human being. All we can do is try to be the best version of ourselves everyday. All we can do is learn. Learn from the past and try hard. I think it gets easier with age. You react more relaxed  because you are able to see through peoples behavior or pattern.

So if I am kind, nice, funny ……why am I not good enough? So here goes my „not thinking weekend“ down the drain. I would like to reveal something but I don’t dare. It has to stay in darkness for a while.

 

Good night for now.

 

Xoxo

 

Good Morning to you

 

I hope you had a good start into the new week. I am not sure what’s going on in my life right now. I am moody like hell: from one minute to the other I am sad and feel disappointed and the next minute I am confident and happy.    

It is really exhausting.

On Sunday I broke my own “series watching record” – because I wanted to stop myself from thinking, I watched non-stop Netflix. At the end, I had watched 15 (!!) seasons of series without noticing 😊.

Ivan my friend from Peru is planning to immigrate to Europe. It will be great to have him in the same time zone. We might not get to see each other very often, but the time difference between Peru and Europe is 6/7 hours and the window to communicate is short.

Funny enough we met online, and we are communicating now for 10 months – I can no longer imagine what it was like without him. 

It is nice to get his point of view to certain issues and I love that he is a music enthusiast like me. We don’t share completely the same taste, but he understands my passion for music.  

Ivan struggles with his life himself – one will call it a midlife crisis. I call it the search. We all search the meaning of life, and he is the bravest. Planning to leave everything behind and start a new life on the other side of the world. Wow! You have my greatest respect and admiration. I try to support you as much as I can.

“..when we shake of the darkness and harness the light..” (Nothing but Thieves – Overcome)

I hope that Europe will not disappoint him.

Than brings me to the point where I question friendship. Why do some people stay in your life? Why do some people step in and step out – but leave their marks? Why do some guide your way for a while and then leave without a trace?

I do not know. I really tried to answer this for years. I do not make friends easily. I do not have a female best friend since Kindergarten or Highschool. I tend to be friends with men. I prefer the company of men. They are easier than women – they are not bitchy or complicated. They mean what they say – no hidden messages.

I am straight forward myself. And I know that his is too much for some people. A woman that is straight forward, meaning what she says is not something this society likes. We are still developing which role we must fulfill. I am here to please myself and no one else. Life is complicated enough without doing what the rest of people expects us to do.

At the end of the day, I just want to please myself – when I am happy, I can make other people happy. Not more, not less. But I think this is something one must learn – sometimes the hard way. Ivan is that kind of person, that accepts who you are not trying to change anything. It makes me feel comfortable and explains, why we have not given up at each other. Why he has decided to stay at my side, I don’t know 😊.

Well, I think it’s Peru’s loss and Europe’s Jackpot – I am looking forward to have him here.  

 

Take care & all the best

 

XOXO  

 

 

Anybody out there?

 

Today is a foggy and rainy autumn day. My favorite season has turned into a wet disaster – like the past summer. Maybe the weather just mirrors my moods – nice idea: I can make weather 😉. No, I better don’t do that – it would change every 5 minutes the way my feelings are a rollercoaster.

Yesterday while I was driving home, I was listening to that special music mix I created. With all those songs that remind me of you two Italians. I ended up in changing the Playlist because I could not do that anymore to myself.

For a while I will not listen for example to the Smashing Pumpkins, Weezer, Sex Pistols, Jimmy eat World or Alice in Chains. There are many more, but they do not trigger me that much – and I liked them long before I met you. It’s not fair to ban The Crosses – they have nothing to do with this shit 😉.

Today I gave my friend I used to work with, the address of this Blog. She is only the 3^rd person I know, that can read the letters to you now. Including Ivan and your room buddy.  

Well, your room buddy has probably never read a single word I wrote down. But anyway – he could if he were interested.

I trust my friends, that they don’t judge me, and I appreciate their opinion. If I ever publish this, they will know who I am and keep my secret. I am sure.   

It’s not my intention to be mean. But if I ever publish, your buddy will really kill me. I think he would go crazy – even if no one could trace it back to him.

He will go mad as well if he’d ever get to know, that a few weeks ago I got in touch with him again under a different name. I just wanted to proof to myself (or to him) that I did not make up the connection we had. It was there again – immediately.  

I did not have to tell lies – I was just myself. Just a different name – in his words: “it clicked immediately”. It was great for a week and then I sabotaged myself.

Looking back, it as a big mistake. I am sure by now he knows that it was me. And he is outrageous that I did this to him. And maybe a bit, that I was right. And that I have deceived him. It was wrong for so many reasons. I am sorry about it.

The punishment came immediately – I have to live with the knowledge that he will never forgive me. There is no way back.

You know by now, that I like to talk about the moral: age is no protection against stupidity and we will make mistakes until we die.

 

I wish you a great day

 

XOXO

  

 

Hi everybody

 

Last night I was told to add more spice to my letters. Some fictional ideas – something that makes them more interesting to read. I can’t stop thinking about this. On one hand I want someone to read what I have to say but on the other hand, I can only write if it comes from me. These are not fictional letters – this is what happens in my life.

This is who I am, the things that move me and what bothers me. That might be boring. But you are free to either read or not read what I have to say. No offence taken – just what I was thinking. And to be honest – I agree that I should stop writing about a certain person down in Italy. Everything that can be said was said and I am moving on.

But it is a good transition to what I am going to talk about today: crazy stupid love.

When I say “love” I don’t mean the inevitably all-consuming, romantic love.

Love comes in all shapes and forms. I love my cat, my friends, coffee, G&T, cozy evenings on the couch in front of the TV, swimming and Yoga, books and music.

The list is endless. One could now say that we use the word “love” too careless. But I am glad that we love so much.

The opposite of love is “hate”. My list of things that I really hate is short.

Do we use the word “hate” less negligent than love?

I hate raisins. I hate getting up early and I hate it, that people are too stubborn to see that we are all human beings. No matter which color, which sex, which sexual orientation.

I want to believe, that most of us love more things than they hate.   

Life is so much easier, if you don’t hate but love from the bottom of your heart. I am well aware, that there are times when it seems impossible to love the little things.

It took me quiet a few years to gain more poise and confidence. It is so much easier when you take the situations with more serenity and love. At the end of the day we all have our stories and burdens to carry. I want to understand peoples’ behaviors and don’t be judgmental.  

Not an easy task. There are moments where I get uncontrollably mad – but it is not good for me. It takes too much energy from me. And I know that my batteries do not re-fill that easy as they used to. I prefer to stay calm and focused. I just breath 😉 and try to channel the negative energy. I am not a saint – just a mid-aged woman with a bunch of experiences.

I hope you made it down here and if not, you have your reasons.

 

Wishing you all the love of the universe

 

XOXO

 

 

Hi everybody

 

I guess I was a bit negative in my last letters. I want to change that. I spoke about all the unpleasant aspects of aging as a woman. But to be fair, not everything is bad.

Me – part of the generation X – grown up in a small town in the heart of Germany. With good middle-class upbringing. My Mum told me early what was expected of a woman – my Dad on the other side made me do things, a girl in the early 80^th was not supposed to do. So I changed tires and helped renovate the house. But he always was strict with boys and left me in the believe, that a girl did not have to have sexual desires.

I lost my virginity with 17 and experienced the opposite sex. I liked boys and I liked sex.

But the sexual liberation never happened to me. I enjoyed it but never lived what was in my head or my phantasy.  

It was graved too deep into my head that lust and desire is mainly for men.

And than my world was turned upside down. My body started to process the so-called Menopause. I knew that it existed. I knew about heatwaves, insomnia, and moods but I had no clue, that the hormones turn a woman into a sexual beast.

You open your eyes and all you can think of is sex. You look at men during the inappropriate moments and suddenly: desire! Just the picture of two bodies having uninhibited sex. It happens any time, with strangers, with people you know well.

When it started, it was overwhelming. No control about the pictures in your head. Nothing you can do. Just pure lust.

Well, all you can do is help yourself. Sometimes more than once a day. And you start to imagine, how life is for a man. Always programmed for sex. Yes ladies – this will happen to you. And now it is crystal clear, why younger men like mid-aged women so much.

Sex all the time – must be heaven.

What can I say? It’s a relief and I know why it happens. So all the stories that were told behind hands about elderly women. They are true. Absolutely true. And even more. I am glad men can’t investigate our heads. And I am glad that generations of mid-aged women went through this and helped me not to develop a guilty conscience.

No need for that. Its natural and it is good. We just need to enjoy that. Do whatever makes you happy. And if it is a guy 15 years younger – take what you can get.

Women had to wait far too long to free themselves.

So aging can be fun – oh yes. And I am really talking by experience. No fiction needed – but a bit spice for you Ivan 😉. For more details we might change to a more private platform.

 

Ladies, this one is not dedicated to an Italian dwarf. This one is dedicated to our sexuality!

 

Have fun 😊

 

XOXO

 

  

Hello

 

Ivan thinks, I should add some fiction to my letters. Something like a talking dinosaur in my garden…😉. Well, I’d rather not talk to a dinosaur – just in case someone is listening. I prefer not to end up in a closed facility. (I guess he only wants the dinosaur because he will do the illustrations if I ever publish anything.)

The longer I think of it, the more I like the idea….

What if there were someone new in my life? A coincidence if he were from Italy, too? Or do we believe in faith?

If I could create someone, I would want him good looking (of course). With dark hair and 3-day beard. Someone well educated – who can stand a fight about politics with me.

Someone who reads books, loves music and is the right mixture of being present and absent. Someone who treats me well, is tolerant and likes animals.

Someone who can stand my moods and only smiles when I am grumpy or just ignores me.

Well, that will drive me up the wall – but that’s a different story.

A guy that is a passionate lover and knows how to seduce me – over and over again.

Sounds too good to be true? Well yeah – I agree. But maybe it can happen...

I don’t believe in God – but I believe in faith. Ladies if you are looking for the perfect guy – you’d better forget it. No one on earth is perfect – there might be the one soul out there for you. But what if this soul lives in Alaska? And to the Gents that are reading: stop searching for the perfect woman – she might exist down in the ocean and has a fishtail.

Life is not a fairytale about dinosaurs and mermaids.

We are what we are. Imperfect creatures on a lifelong search.

I will now check my garden – just in case there is a dinosaur that wants to tell me something.

 

So long

 

XOXO   

 

Hi everybody

Reading my last letter again. I have to admit that writing letters to an Italian dwarf is not so far away from talking to a dinosaur in my garden 😛.

Unfortunately I did not find a dinosaur or a dwarf. I only found falling leaves and cheeky little birds that stay during the winter. They know, that they will be fed and - if not very careful - they will feed my cat Charly. Circle closed.

Very often I hate the fact that Charly kills mice and birds just for fun. But maybe that’s for a predator the same like for us the interaction with other people. How knows?

I know, that I love to interact with people from all over the world. As a teenager I spent a lot of pocket money to send letters to my penpals in different countries. Sometimes it took weeks until you had an answer in the mail.

Nowadays it is so easy: for every preference you have an app. You would like to find people that love music - you match and 5 minutes later you start a conversation about music in the early 90th. You have a Fetish? You like cooking? Baking? No problem - an app connects you. But they all have in common, that they only scratch the surface. It is so easy to get in touch with an other person, it does not create liabilities.

You talk, you disagree, you go. End of story. And you start again with someone else. Another circle.

It happens, that you find someone that enters your life and stays. This someone supports and encourages you. And you can only hope, that you do the same to this person, too. Giving and taking to close the circle, but in a good way. Deep below the surface, life changing.

To round it off: past and present in a perfect symbiosis.

Maybe this is not my best letter but I hope the message went through.

Good Night for now

XOXO

 

 

 

The Morning after

Another sleepless night. Endless thoughts about people, my life, what I have and what I want. What I desire and what I have achieved in my life.

What could have been and not has happened. Decisions I made or haven’t made.

Best thing I can do is reading. Finding peace in stories someone else has written down. The best stories are those that force you to read slower. Slower to linger - linger in the beauty of a strangers construction of words.

When you finally close the last chapter und you start to miss the characters you just left behind - than you know it was a great story.

I remember one of my first books I ever read when I was 6 years old was „Uncle Tom‘s cabin“ by Harriet Beecher Stowe. I don‘t think that I completely understood what it was all about. But it had a big impact and it left me with the longing to read more stories that produced that pictures in my head.

Later with 15 or 16, Stephen King fascinated me: I read ‚It‘ 7 or 8 times. It frightened me a lot. But the more I read, the more details I discovered. It never lost its horror. I still don’t look into the sewer when it’s raining - and I still don’t like clowns, nor red balloons 🎈.

A great author can do that to you. Send you to a different place in a different time. Makes you cry and laugh and makes you fall in love with the main character.

So maybe one day I will reach someone’s mind with my stories and create pictures in their heads. I really do love the idea.

Keep reading - maybe I will get there one day.

 

XOXO

 

 

"L'enfer c'est les autres." J.P. Sartre

I meet people and most of the time, I can't free myself from expectations. I expect them to be honest. I expect them to be fun. I expect them not to play games. 

At the end of the day, it's a great dissapointment. But why is it a dissapointment? Because I expected something from the other person. If I had no expectations, there were no dissapointment. 

Taking people as they are would really set us free. 

Ivan called me this morning: a bit drunk and disspointed because his night did not go as he expected it. He is still asleep because of our time difference and the alcohol :-). So I don't know yet, what exactly happend. But I am sure I will find out soon. He had his expectations. Surprise, surprise. He ended up dissapointed and hurt. 

Are other people hell? Yes and no. We interact and can't see the complete picture. Just a snapshot of a situation - but the story behind that lead to where we are now, might never be reavealed. 

If we end up dissapointed, than because our expectations were too high. 

So what do we have to do? I will try not have high expectations. The less the better - people are caught in their own private hell. Let's not make it worse. 

I apologize to Lino for too high expectations. 

So long 

XOXO

 

 

Lenses and Autumn feelings 

Today I started another try to get lenses. One eye is now corrected to see in the distance and one to see in the near. Strange feeling I can tell you. My brain keeps correcting and hasn't found the right distance yet to balance it.

It will not be possible to reach the same visual acuity like  with glasses. Writing on the small laptop screen is better with the glasses. But I will keep the lenses on today. To get used to it and decide, if I want that as a solution for an event, the beach or similar. 

While I was driving to the next city to see the optician, I was amazed by this autumn day. The leaves are colored in brown, orange and red - the sky was crystal blue and the Alps had some small little clouds on the top. It was gorgeous - I love those colors and the crystal clear air. I want to be out, walk through the wood with all the fallen leaves on the ground and just breath the fresh, mild air. Mild, but you start to smell, that winter is just around the corner. 

Most people start to get melancholic during this time of the year - but I enjoy it a lot. I love those cosy times. Not feeling the pressure to be out and do something. This time of the year is the most relaxed ever. Long nights, short days- More me-time. Without feeling guilty. I could not live without seasons - when winter is than finally over and you want the sun to warm your soul and skin and it starts all over again. So welcome Autumn - I was waiting for you for a while and please stay here with me :-). 

 

XOXO

 

Hi everybody

I read briefly in my horoscope that Mars is doing something in his house and that it will be a difficult month for me :-). Hell, what has Mars to do with my moods? I don't know. I believe, that the time you were born in, has influenced your personality. I am an April child and I can be like April: four seasons in one day. Right now I am stormy and difficult. 

My best friend started Chemo and he got all the side effects they know of. He got pneumonia on top of cancer and is dizzy all the time.  Yeah, maybe Mars has something to do with all this shit but I am worried about my friend and people around me take so much energy from me. One could think, that I can sleep like a baby but its the opposite. I get 4 - 5 hours of sleep and than I am wide awake. I am tired and still try to be positive. 

If that planet influences me, I might ask Elon Musk if he could fly me to Mars so that that I can get some sleep. I sleep very well when its cold - so best conditions over there. Is there life on Mars? Even Bowie had no answer to this question. 

Flying is the key: sit on a plane go South to a beach where you can get a good drink and stay there. Watch the ocean making waves - at least for a while. Not thinking about the world - just beiing. 

Or I would like to get the silicon chip inside my head removed (haha - Bob Geldorf...did you get that?) before it will overload. Just NOT thinking for an hour or two. I would love that. 

I have to go now and do more thinking. More details to be revealed soon.

 

Take care 

 

XOXO 

 

 

Good Morning

 

Sometimes the universe sends someone to your life when you at least expect it. The minute you start to talk, you have a connection.

You have a lot in common, you share the same humor and you are curious about those things you do not share.

It can’t be foreseen where this encounter will take you. But it makes you feel good for the moment. And this is all that really counts.

Be happy and enjoy what life has on the plate for you. It’s about the little things and you never know what is right around the corner for you.

Not everybody has the luck to grow old and live a long life.

Even if we struggle, we are alive. Even if it seems to be too dark – we are alive. We live and learn from the things that happen to us.

Most of the time it makes us stronger.

I heard a nice analogy this morning on the radio - about a field of sunflowers. The field used to be beautiful in its bloom – now it’s brown and miserable. But the farmers asked people not to touch the old, rotten flowers. The seeds in the blossom still have to ripen before harvested and processed into oil. The best is yet to come.

Like humans – in the bloom of our lives we shine bright and the older we get, the less attractive we might be.

The body withers but the mind sharpens from all the experiences we make. Like the sunflowers – we become very precious.

Precious if we are willing to share and teach the younger generations.

I will try to remember this analogy the next time I look into the mirror and struggle with my appearance. And I will cherish that I am healthy and alive and be able to meet new people that come to my life and maybe stay for a while. ¨

Bloom as much as you can

 

XOXO

 

 

Hi everybody 

I had a few very busy days (and it will get worse) and I felt miserable for many reasons. I concentrate far too much on people in my life - what they do, what they did not do and what I wish they would do. I am so tired about myself - I  should be concentrating on myself and just be happy.

This blog is all about good advices - hell yeah, I should listen to myself more often and stop being a smart ass. 

Having said that, I will follow my own advice and get something done. I have to work a bit, because time is running fast and I start to panic a bit. Too much to do and so little time. At the end of the day it will be done - of course.

Ivans clock is ticking now, too. He is definitely coming to Europe end of November. It's a challenge and and I know he is scared like hell. But on the other hand: what is the worse that can happen to him? He is forced to go back home. That is all that can happen. So be brave my friend - you will be fine! And you have the experience of a whole new adventure. 

My adventure is actually, that I really would like to get this book written which I have in my head since ages. Maybe it is too ambitious - and maybe it won't be good. But who cares? I will write my story down and either there is someone that would like to read it - or not. End of story. 

If you do not try, you never know if you might have succeded. And to be honest: the fact that you finally DO something is a huge step. 

For today I have to go. Sending my regards 

XOXO

 

 

Hello again

 

I have to apologize for not writing. My mind is occupied at the moment and does not leave much energy to get something written.

In so many ways, life has served me new opportunities. In a speed, that I can hardly follow. New people, maybe a new job – new friends. Decisions need to be made, disappointments and successes – all in one week.

Allies around the corner, people you thought that they would support you are just a big disappointment. But here we go again with those expectations.

I am the only person that needs to trust in my skills – if I trust myself than I will find the strength in me to succeed. And if I will not - I can at least say, that I have tried.

I have to admit, that I am pretty much spoiled – everything I ever wanted in my life I finally got. Sometimes I had to take the long and stony road – but with my stubbornness and not giving-up mentality I got what I wanted. If it will be enough this time – I do not know. The support from the people around me is overwhelming. And that means the world to me.

That room buddy of yours almost made me think of myself as being nothing but dirt.

But this chapter is closed – finally.

 

I wish you all the best and hope you are doing well.

 

Take care

 

XOXO

 

 

Hi everybody 

 

It's time to write again, because things are going mad. Totally mad. The last crazy and busy days I realized, that I was relying far too much on other people. I do not know exactly when this happend but all of a sudden there was silence from all my friends. Not a word of support, not a word of "how are you" - just silence. 

It really hits me hard - I try to get everything done, and be there for everybody and the other way round is just ignorance. Am I asking too much? 

Sometimes I really feel very out of place at this time. It is too fast and to superficial for me. All I want is a bond to people that lasts longer than 24 hours.

Everybody is running around, looking for friendships that lasts a week and when somone better or more interesting appears on screen, you are left behind. You actually never get a chance to really get to know someone. People loose interest quicker than a cat  that chases a mouse. 

I guess I just have to protect myself from those people that just take my energy and do not really care. But how can I do that? I am not like this. If I like someone, I want to be in touch. I want to care and I want an healthy exchange. 

Maybe I am not very patient - but I am willing to accept other peoples flaws. Can they do the same for me, too? 

I will listen to The Smashing Pumpkins "Mellon Collie and the infinite Sadness" and get my bags packed - big event will start tomorrow and I won't be home until Tuesday late.

 

Have a nice Sunday 

XOXO 

 

 

Hi everybody 

 

We did it! Busy weeks and two very busy days are just behind us. After a big event, it is for me always the same: adrenalin is leavin my body and I start to freeze and get tired like hell. At the same time you feel relieved and happy - it is a bit like a drug. You work hard for months and suddenly it is over. Your body is aching and your mind is full of impressions you gained the last 48 hours. I like it. It widens my horizon and reminds me, that everything is in flow.  

But the best thing I always take home is the spirit of great team work. Surrounded by people that make it happen - you help each other, you laugh together, you are tired togehter and you are hungry together. It is a great feeling. The success is ours. We are part of it. Especially the girl power is so great and I love it. We need to empower each other and take care of ourselves in this male dominated world. 

If women stand for each other, we really could change our world. I really believe that it is time for a change. But it lies in us - we can only do it, if we stand together. If we fight each other, men will always win. And I guess, we really can do it. 

I wish you a great autumn day and all the best! This is again for you girls!!

 

XOXO

 

This one goes out to the ones I love... 

 

Today I was surprised that sometimes it makes sense to be patient. Patience is not really my thing. I like things to be moved – I want things to happen. But in this special case, I guess it was good to just relax and let things happen. I really do not know where it will bring me to, and I don’t want to think about it - but it feels good. It has been ages that it has felt right – and it really does feel right. For a change I am not in the driver’s seat – I don’t steer. And funny enough, I like it. Me, the woman always controlling everything just let’s go. Wow! Maybe I should try that more often 😊. Not sure if my inner monster could handle more patience. In fact, I am surrounded by people with a lot of energy, and I enjoy coaching them and help to calm down. That takes my impatience away. Which brings me to this aging thing again – I love to be the “wise, elder woman”. Being there for the younger generation – and: they really take my advice. There is no bigger compliment.  

So yes, this one is to the ones I love and to those who are impatient like myself. Remember: some things need time!!! 

 

XOXO

 

 

My day off 

After the busy weeks, I took the day off and visited my friend just across the border. She just took over a little boutique and she totally loves her job. I guess I tried every single piece in her shop and more. We spend hours to find something that I like. She only sells high quality that was produced in Europe. 

It's classy, stylish and so totally me. I have to admit, she knows my style and when she buys the collctions she often has me in her mind.  I love that. 

I prefer to buy my clothes in little shops like hers: I know the owner and I know where the pieces were produced. I'd rather have high quality and buy less than buy many, cheap things and throw them out after a season.

My parents were never interested in quality, it needed to be cheap. As a teenager I always got the cheapest clothes they were able to find. I had to wear no name Sneakers which was really a bad thing in the 80th. Addidas or Puma was the brand you had to wear. I was never one of the cool kids - I was the one withe the two stripes Sneakers and the no name Jeans. I decided to find a job when I was 13 and so I did. I remember that when I got my first loan (it must haven been 100 German Marks back than) I took the bus to Koblenz and bought myself clothes. It was summer sale and I got a few pieces for the money. And I was so proud - nobody understood the value of those first clothes.  

Ever since than I value good quality. It took a while to find my style. I like it elegant, classy and colourful. I prefer pieces that are timeless and can be worn a few years. My biggest "thing" is, I want everything to match. Before I buy something, I check in my head what is already in my wardrobe that can match with it :-). It's a habbit and a tick. But the feedback I very often get, tells me that I am right. 

I like to combine and create new looks. It just makes me happy. I love fashion and I love that it can make the best out of everybody. And it is always a good idea to have some basics in your wardrobe that can combined with anything. 

No, I am not a fashion victim. I just like to be dressed well. 

Today I bought  a woole pullover and sunglasses. That's all. But these two pieces are a beautiful addition to my selection. And I am sure, I love both for a few years. 

Have a nice evening 

XOXO

 

 

Music it is 

Saturday afternoon. My time to listen to music. I always start with the new Indie mixes Apple creates weekly for me. They are really getting better I have to admit. But my music taste is pretty much a collection of everything, so it is not easy.

I like real English Punk, Rock, Grunge, Synthie Pop, Heavy Metal, Indie with all its facettes and much more. 

Depeche Mode is my favorite band. It started when I was 13 or 14 - Dave Gahan was and is my hero and will always be. I only need to hear 1 second of a song and I know what it is. I have been to uncountable concerts. I followed them round Europe to see them more than once. I saw Dave at his darkest hours during the "Violator" and the "Songs of faith and devotion" tour when he nearly died. 

I love, love, love the music and after a concert, my voice is gone because I have to sing and dance all along. But that does not mean, that there are no other bands, that made it to my personal hall of fame. 

Very silently Placebo won the place directly next to Depeche Mode. 

I only saw Placebo once (so far) but they really blew me away. When I decided I wanted to see them, it was just after Corona. Tickets were cheap and I knew one or two songs. Their performance was fucking AWESOME. Brian Molko with his spectacular voice, the synthies, the heavy guitar riffs just washed over me. 

I still get goosebumps when I remember back. The music was so heavy, it left me destroyed and made me totally happy at the same time. Thats now 3 years ago and they have a fix place in my music heaven. 

Not many people understand the love I feel for music. Music is my best friend - it's always there when I need support or if I need to relax, remember or just enjoy. Music connects us - music connected Ivan in Peru with me. Even if he is on the other side of the world, he knows what I feel about music. This is how we got in touch and now we are friends. So never underestimate what music can do for you. 

Maybe your thing is something else - but I hope you have something in your life that touches you that deeply like music touches me. 

"Love on an atom
Love on a cloud

To see the birth of all that isn't now

Can you imagine a love that is so proud

It never has to question why or how?"

(Loud like Love - Placebo)

 

Have a nice Saturday.

 

XOXO 

 

 

 

 

"Hell Yeah or No"

Sunday evening - a nicely spend day off. With homework, listening to podcasts and music , reading and baking. Exactly the kind of things I like. Some may find it boring - I appreciate the time I have with myself and my passions. 

I read an article about people being not happy and trying to add more and more things that even make them more restless and more unhappy. Derek Sievers writes about this in his book: if you can't say "hell yes" to the things in your life just say"no" - reduce your life to the things you totally want. From my point of view, it is a very healthy way of looking at things. The older I get, the more serenity I feel. Before I act, I wonder if it is really worth fighting for. If the answer is "hell yeah" - I do it. But honestly, most of the time the answer is just no. Very often it is fighting windmills and I do not want to waste energy for things I can't change anyway. That gives me peace of mind. 

That does not mean, that I can't stand for the things I think they are important to me. But I try to stay away from things that take my energy away. That includes now many points: friends, job, things, family, new encounters with people. If they don't make me happy I say no. For my own sake. It might sound selfish - but I guess I am a better person when I react calmyl and focused. 

It's my life and I have to make myself happy before I can make someone else happy. Less is more. You learn to appreciate the things you have without adding more and more weight. 

I am clearly not there - but I walk the way and  hell yeah! ;-) - I like to keep walking....:-)

Reducing the speed is quiet often pretty helpful and healthy. But this is another story - you know best what is good or bad for you. 

I gain for serenity - let me know when I am there ;-).

 

Have a beautiful evening.

 

XOXO

 

 

 

 

“Who do you need? Who do you love? When do you come undone?”

 

I am sure, some of you will know which song I am quoting. Of course it is a band from the 80^th – in fact there was a time, where I liked them more than Depeche Mode. You don’t believe me?

The album “Arena” which entered the charts in 1984 is one of the most played records I owe – seriously. I was totally in love with Simon Le Bon and I watched the video “Wild Boys” a hundred times: they were tied to a big turning wheel and every time Simon went under water my teenage heart missed a beat.  

It was a phantastic time and the music is still more than great. Just recently someone crossed my path who is a big fan and brings back all those memories. I hope one day he will be able to exchange his memories with me from this time of our lives.

So, yes there was a time before DM 😊.

But why do I quote this special song? Because by the time it was published in 1993 it brought them back to my mind – loved it from the first tone. In fact it is one of my favorite songs from Duran Duran.

Simon once said, it is a song for everybody falling in love for the 1^st time…

I like 1^st times: 1^st kiss, 1^st love, 1^st visit, 1^st taste (when it tastes good), 1^st coffee in the morning, 1^st waking up together, 1^st time listening to a great song…. The list is endless – and those 1^st times are kept forever. And new ones will be created – hopefully.  

My personal longing is to see London again for the 1^st time.

I was 13 – and a Duran Duran Fan by the time I visited the city the 1^st time. I fell in love immediately – truly, madly, deeply. No other city in the world does that to me. I lived there, I visited London, I was breathing the dirty air down in the tube. I sat on Leicester Square just to watch people passing by. I strolled along Carnaby Street, went to Harrods and to the tower. Fell in love with some English guy and ate “fish and chips” – with a lot of vinegar - for the first time.  

There is not much I haven’t seen in London – and I still wish, I could experience it for the 1^st time again.

When do I come undone you want know?? Well, I guess this letter gave you the answer 😊.

 

 

XOXO   

PS. I bought one of those band mirrors in London with – yes, Duran Duran on it. 

 

 

 

Walking down the memory lane

 

Yesterday I had dinner with an old friend of mine. We went down the memory lane together and discovered, that we know each other now for over 20 years. 20 years is a life but it only feels like a moment. That inspired me to look into old pictures of myself. But pictures from the past are rare. It is not like today – everybody has a camera available all the time. And to be honest, I am glad my sins from those days are not documented. What happened in the past, stays in the past 😊.

I remember a hot and sticky summer evening. We went to the pictures to watch a movie – can’t remember what it was. At the end of the film we were so sweaty, that we decided to drive to a near quarry pond to go swimming. No one really knew where the pont was, but it was hot and we wanted to go swimming. Naked of course. I remember that we were running around in the dark wood, trying to find the damn thing to cool ourselves down. We had stopped by a petrol station to buy drinks and snacks. The only thing was missing was the pont. No, we never found it. It was a dark night and I think we were walking around in circles…drinking, smoking and laughing.

After an hour we turned around and I am still wondering how we made our way out of the wood. The next day my friend went back to the place and discovered, that we missed the pont by only 50 meters – it was a great night anyway. Full of laughter and joy you can only have when you are young and reckless.

Sometimes I miss those days, but it is still so present that it fills my heart with a lot of love for the past and the people that made it till today.

Cheers to friendship: old and new!

XOXO

 

 

Netflix series on demand 

 

Friday again. Another week over with mixed emotions, dissapointments and clearly too much male power over me. I am fed up with lame excuses at work: oh you are in the rooom? We can talk you? Hell, yeah! I am not invisible and I am doing all the work. And I am here - so why talking to my male boss or my male collegue?

In 37 working years it is a premiere that I am in an misogynistic environment. I worked 15 years in the defence industry and I was never treated like this before. Women in this branch are secretaries and assistant - but never a head of a project nor a head of Marketing. Clearly I will not get the job I applied for. My collegue - who is really star - 25 years old and has no experience was asked by 5 (!) guys, if he will take over our bosses job. I do not even want to waste energy to write down what that does to me. So much ignorance and disdain. 

But not only at work I find it pretty hard to deal with men. I am not a Netflix series, available on demand. You ask me something, I reply (later than normal because I was in a meeting) and than at least 24 hrs silence. #wtf 

So let me understand this: I have to be the Netflix series (always available on demand) and you can be the movie that will sometimes be played in the theater? Right?  

Maybe I am old fashioned or traditionel. If you are busy and need a break - fine. But noone is too busy to answer in days! You are not interested? Fine. You are angry about something I did? Fine.

But just talk to me and let me know. Communication is everthing and I'd rather been told to piss off than to be ignored - or ghosted like it is called now. 

Treat me with the respect you want to be treated - or even better: Treat me with the respect you want your daughter to be treated with. Metaphorically spoken. 

The only light at the end of the male tunnel is my friend Ivan: he never treated me with disrespect, he never played games and he never disspointed me. I am looking forward to have you on this side of the world. I am sure Peru will miss you alot. Perus loss - our jackpot.  

My weekend will be quiet and I guess, it is time to watch some old movies. Just really nice stuff - something to laugh and cry and a very happy end. It's the time of the year for this. 

 

This one is dedicated to all the good men around. Take good care. 

 

XOXO

 

 

November and everything after

November is the month, most people do not like. In November a lot of people die - November is rainy, miserable and foggy. It is the time for autumn storms and the first snow. I have no problem with the month - it is the time for a good book, tea and candles. It's the time to start x-mas bakery and get the decoration out. And not to forget: Biathlon season starts. I am obsessed with this sport - I always liked to watch any kind of sport on TV. But biathlon is my favorite: I am so fascinated by the combination of speed and precision. That brings back some memories of my Italian buddy. He was also a big fan and we used to watch the races together and text each other on the phone.

I wonder if he remembers that too. 

Like so many other things, it is gone for good. Luckily I was a fan long before we met and I will be a fan long after the memory has faded.

Sometimes I do not know where my path will lead me. It is cloudy, foggy and stormy like November. One day everything seems fine and the next day, everything is a big question. I'm not very patient and I don't like to be kept in the dark. This applies to my work as well as my personal life. Give me some direction - let me know if there is hope.

If not, I want to close the chapter and move on. I have wasted enough energy and time with wanting the wrong things and the wrong people. Like in Biathlon: be fast but still precise. You have to hit the target right in the middle. Otherwise you earn a time penalty or an extra lap. If you don't hit my target or you move too slow, I might be gone for good. 

Of course I am keeping my fingers crossed for the German athletes, but also for the Italians, Norwegians and French. It's a big family and a bit different from the rest of the sports world. I like it a lot. 

 

Have a great day and try to be as fast and precise as you can! 

 

XOXO 

 

 

 

 

You got to have faith 

 

Ivan is more or less on his way to Europe. He is scared, nervous and wonders, if this was a mistake. He leaves his family and friends to start all over again. I keep on telling him, the worst thing that can happen to him is that he has to go back home. But the word "home" says it all - he has a way out. If he fails over here - he can pack his back and fly home. If this is, what his ego will like or not, is written on a different page. 

Sometimes you have to just jump - maybe you land on your feet. Maybe you roll over and struggle. But it is always, always an experience and you gain wisdom and knowledge out of it. 

I wish I could be of any help - but he has to jump alone and swim.  

You can do that my friend. You have a dream, so work for it. It will not come easily - but if you believe in yourself it will finally be happening. 

I am the best example: I never gave up and here I am. It was a hard path I had to follow, but I managed somehow. And I had to walk alone too. But I did it and what I got out of it can't be taken away from me. I know I can handle anything and everything. 

My friend have faith in yourself. You will find new friends over here, you will finally find a place to live and you will find a job. And on top of it: you already have friends and family spread all over Europe. 

 

Have a great journey & lets talk when you finally arrive in Amsterdam. 

 

XOXO

 

 

 

When is it too much?

 

I consider myself to be a self-confident and open-minded person. I grew up with all kinds of nations and all kind of sexual orientations. I believe that love is love. And anyone can fall in love with anyone at any time. I have never felt disadvantaged in my life or career because of my gender. Until now.

I am 53 and for the first time in my life, I feel helpless because my employer really treats women badly. I am speechless about all these things that happen. If someone had told me that beforehand, I wouldn't have believed it.

Woman are treated without respect. They are harassed – they are not paid well and they are not even considered for a promotion.

As a part of the employee council it is my job to expose such abuses.  

Fortunately, women have faith in us and tell us, what is going on.

But it is a huge mountain we must climb and change things. Structures are old and we are clearly not in the 21^st century.

This council was implemented last December, because the fluctuation was and is extremely high: especially women do not stay very long. After a year they leave to find something else. I can only speak for myself, but I really question if it is worth the energy, I am putting in.

Usually I would say: “I am all in”. But this is too much.

Do I really want to fight for something that seems hopeless? I don't know. The girls really hope that we can make a difference, but I really doubt it.

It starts at the top and works its way down. And all they say is: "It's our branch". Hell no!!!! It's everyone's damn behavior and has nothing, nothing to do with the environment we're in.

Reflect yourself and think before you say or do something.

They are not even aware of what they are doing wrong.

If my colleagues prefer to hide who they love, it is really sad. Or if they rather leave than say something, it’s tragic.  

I would really like to give up - but I was elected for a reason. And it's time for a change and to get rid of the glacé cloves.

 

Treat others as you would like to be treated.

 

XOXO

 

 

 

How to make a fool of yourself 

 

I am an expert in making a fool of myself.  So if you ever want to walk in my shoes, just follow my instructions. 

Why you should want that you might ask? Well, there is nothing like the feeling of embarrassing yourself. 

Just let me give you an example: you are a very impatient person but you meet someone you really care for. You decide to - for a change - wait and be patient. Usually you prefer to be in touch daily and talk, write or meet regularly. This time you play by someone elses rules - the more you wait (and give) - the less you get back. You start to wait for 24 - 36 hours before you hear something. Hours become days - days become a week. Messages are not even read. 

You start to question the date you have planned, because you have to ask yourself - if you are not worth a text why meet someone? Of course I can play by someone elses rules, but why do we need to play anyway? Can't we be honest with each other. Are you interested? Yes, fine. You are not, fine with me too. 

Another example: you apply for a job. Instead of being honest with you and saying: "no, we do not see you on the job. They say: "we are having an external consultant to find out what is the best for the company. That will take approximately 6 months and that will give enough time for the new guy to make his way to the job. The bitter end: A female person can't win in this company. 

What is the moral of the stories?

Honestly? I do not know. You can now believe, you are not good enough and surrender.  Or you just give a shit and keep going like you do. 

I really think I am fallen out of time and space. And I question myself a lot these days. What the hell bit me, that I thought I deserve the job or the person? Name it: madness. 

Obviously I am resistant to counselling - I make the same mistakes over and over again. I trrust people, I trust situations and I overestimate myself. I think I give up. I had enough of making a fool of myself.

 

Enjoy the winter wonderland outside 

 

XOXO

 

Are you a gambler? 

 

Ever since I can think back, I liked to play and of course win. I learned Chess and Poker at a pretty young age and I love to play. We were 12 or 13 when my best friends Grandpa taught us Skat - it is a German card game. Its pretty strategic and we enjoyed playing it. I was never good in sports so I prefer to use my mind for a competition. 

Chess is something that calms me down - in my mind I see a room with an open fireplace, heavy leather furniture, books and two people playing Chess over a G&T. Its kind of sexy and passionate. To me a sharp mind is very attractive - beauty fades but intelligence stays and grows over the years. 

I have no idea if my mind is sharp, or if I am what one calls clever. I just like to gain knowledge and train my brain. Especially when one gets older, I think its very important to do something for your mind. Women have the higher risk to get Dementia because of the missing hormons after the menopause.  It frightens me a lot - more than any other disease.  So I think it is a good idea to stay in competition and play some games that train my brain. 

Apart from this, I really like to win :-). Fortunately I am not a bad looser. I don't like it, but I accept when someone is better than me.

I once played a Poker tournament in the Casino in Interlaken and reached the final table. We were 50 people when we started and the final table 7 or 8. I made it to place 3 and I won a bit of money. That evening I was really in a tunnel and nothing distracted me - I just concentrated and played. It was awesome and one day I want to do it again. Reading people and not showing your own emotions. Learn to have a Poker face :-). 

I think Poker is a good training for many things in Life - if you can control your emotions and don't show to people what you really feel or think. 

Maybe the complete life is a game and only a few people look behind your forehead. I prefer not to let anyone into my brain - it's much healthier for me. 

 

Enjoy the game of life & take care 

 

XOXO

 

 

 

 

 

When are we enough?

 

We all know the feeling: the mirror shows the ugly truth. You stand there and what yesterday seemed pretty much ok, changed over night. You don't like yourself: the hair is messy, the wrinkles around your yes show your true age, your body is not in shape and you are not a size S - far away from it. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder - but what does that really mean? Life is much easier for beautiful people. And that is prooven: when you are beautiful, it is easier for you to get a job. If you are good looking, it is easier to convince people that you are a nice person.

So beauty is obviously not in the eye of the beholder - there must be a stereotype, that makes people like or dislike you. But what happens to the people, that do not fit into this frame? 

Those people, have to work much harder than those who have the looks. They might be more intelligent but in this world, it just does not count. Very often its just about the surface - what lies beneath will most of the time be ignored. 

I am not saying that I have a different approach. Don't judge the book by the cover - but I often do. Until the rest is on display. And very often I do like the cover but the rest is not of my taste. 

Normal people become beautiful when they reveal their inner beauty. And if that happens, we are back to the fact that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It definitely is. 

Next time you look into the mirror and you do not like what you see - just remember, that the inner beauty counts. 

 

Take care of your inner beauty 

 

XOXO

 

 

 

You cannot not communicate

 

Very often in life you think you are clear in what you say and what you do. But in many cases the opposite gets a different message just because you are contradictory.

While you are in the situation, it seems to be the right thing to do. You maybe just shake hands instead of giving a goodbye hug. You realize afterwards that the opposite wanted something else and the message you did send was “stay away”. The only thing you had in mind was to avoid an embarrassing situation. Damage done.

Why is it so difficult to interact with people and avoid damage and miscommunication? I do not have an answer. It happens to people that know each other well but especially to people that just start to get to know each other. Humans are complicated. Sometimes I think it is like the communication between a dog and a cat: if the dog waves its tail, it is happy. But the cat understands: he is aggressive. Just because in cat language it means attention, I am not in the mood to be nice to you.

What does that mean? We must learn to understand that we are not all speaking the same language - but for both sides. Because we are not just sending or receiving. We are always doing both.

When I get the impression that it is always me who has to learn and adapt to the other person, it gets annoying. It really does.

I do this up to a certain point, but if it becomes too one-sided, I stop the contact. Having said this, I will now start to enjoy my weekend. Biathlon season starts tomorrow, and I can’t wait to see the athletes and see how they are doing.

 

XOXO

 

 

And it happend again 

 

Dear Dwellio 

How are you? I have to apologize that I haven't been in touch for a while. I was very busy trying hard to forget our time we spent togehter. The start of the Biathlon season hit me hard - I wanted to share the new team constellations with someone who knows the sport as well as I do. Unfortunately all ways lead me to your buddy. Wounds that I thought were closed opened up again.

I was really close to pick up the phone and call him. I only stopped myself last minute, because I knew it will not change a thing. He will not pick up anyway and if he does - which is not very realistic, he will not listen to me. So I better watch my Biathlon without him, as I did the last 40 years. 

I hate me for this. I really do. Its been nearly a year and I still miss him every day. Why is it like this? I feel lost, lonely, dissapointed and angry. Maybe it is just the season - I don't know. 

I am not even productive or creative at the moment. Writing isn't a pleasure nor baking. 

Maybe the X-Mas market on Thursday/Friday will cheer me up. At least I will get some mulled Gin which is really a nice perspective. 

I hope you are in a better mood my friend. Take care 

 

XOXO 

 

 

Christmas markets and other season feelings 

 

The short trip to a German X-mas market was quiet pleasant. I spent a bit too much money but I don't regret it I have to admit. Every piece I bought is precious to me. I enjoyed our time together eating, drinking and just seeing something different. I had a few mulled wines and mulled Gins and so I slept pretty well in the hotel we stay every year. It's in the center and you do not have to walk or drive long distances after you spend time on the market. I quiet like it. 

But I am not in my typical x-mas mood this year. Everything seems to come around too soon. It just feels, that we had summer and suddenly Santa is knocking on the door. Time flies. 

People react strangely at this time of year. Ivan doesn't seem to be in a good mood since he's been to Amsterdam. I don't know why or what I've done wrong. It was always easy going with him but now I have to be very careful what I am saying - he is very often offended and does not talk to me. He is not reading this blog anymore, so I can write about it :-). 

I could not feel any lonelier at the moment as I do right now. I usually enjoy this time of the year.

However, I watch winter sports on TV and listen to Depeche Mode - that might help. I don't know. 

I hope you can enjoy your Sunday. Take care 

 

XOXO

 

 

Christmas bakery and other traditions 

 

Today I had planned to go to Berne to do some Xmas shopping - and drink a Toffeenut Latte at Starbucks ;-). That's just a must during this season and I need to drink it at least once. So I got up early but I was just not in the mood - so I stayed in and did instead some xmas baking. 

I very much enoyed baking during the morning. I made some "Vanillekipferl" and something  I created myself with cinnamon, Rum and chocolate. Very nice.  Baking always helps me to relax. 

The last two weeks before the Xmas break will be prett busy. Tomorrow I will be in meetings the whole damn day and on Wednesday I will be in Zurich again. It's always the same:people think everything needs to be done before Xmas and when it finally arrives, you are too tired to enjoy it. Its absolutely weird.

We have decided to go to Germany to visit my parents on the 26th - we used to go on the 24th but the traffic got that bad, that we decided to drive out on a bank holiday and back on the weekend. Maybe it helps. I only hope for good weather - at least no snow or ice would be helpful. 

I wrote a xmas card to your buddy today. Not that he will open it, but I just wanted to. It will end up unread in your  bin, but anyway. I tried my best. I obviously piss people of for reasons I don't understand. I send white chocolate to that new guy in Zurich but I propably will not hear from him either. 

I wonder what is wrong with me and what I have done in a former life to decide this. Maybe I should stop looking for good. 

Have a great evening.

 

XOXO

 

 

 

Are you ready for Christmas?

 

The week is more or less over. It was busy as always - the madness before Xmas. Every year the same procedure. We had to present the employee council to our collegues, I was on the road visiting my clients - very successfully I have to say. We had to do the inventory and I had my yearly assessment with my boss. It went quiet well and I got very good results.

Unfortunately he will leave the company by the end of January and it is not known yet, how we will proceed. I am sorry to have to let him go. It was a pleasure to work with him and for him. But the only constant in life is change.

After so many years of changes, I do not mind anymore. All changes bring something positive and open new doors. Sometimes unexpectedly. I think it helps to keep your head and mind agile.

But not everybody likes changes. You have to get out of your comfort zone, and sometimes you have to jump over your own shadow. But this is life and I prefer to appreciate what it has on its plate rather than struggle with it. 

Easy said - I know. Some situations are harder to take than others - some need more time to adopt, others are easier. It's always a challenge - and I never run away from a challenge. 

I will watch Biathlon again this weekend and do some xmas baking :-). 

Have a wonderful weekend & warm regards wherever you are reading me 

 

XOXO 

 

X-Mas is here

 

I have to apologize for not writing. The weeks before X-Mas were pretty busy, and everybody went crazy. Including like myself. So I had not much time or energy to get something written. But why force it? It’s my blog and I publish whenever I am ready to do so.

Ivan and I finally met after writing for nearly a year.

He asked me a few times if I was ready or if I was nervous. And honestly I wasn’t. I was wondering if it is possible to get to know someone while writing daily – and the answer is yes. You can. You might miss some edges and curves but as I said many times before about Ivan, it was like bathing in sunshine after a long rainy day. We got on very well, time was passing by quick and I did not want to go home. I really enjoyed spending time with him and I hope we will see us very soon again.

I am looking forward to another year with you in my life, Ivan. If I haven’t said it or if you don’t know it already: you mean a lot to me.

We postponed our visit to Germany because of the weather conditions and because I prefer to be at home. I just need that me-time. It might be selfish, but all I want to do is listen to music and podcasts and relax. So we are going tomorrow and come back on the weekend.

That’s enough. My Mum is not happy about it, but that’s the way it is.

I will be back to work on the 7^th of January. So a lot of time left to spend however I want to spend it. And a lot of time to write some more letter.

 

Merry X-Mas to everyone out there

 

XOXO

 

 

 

Can you smell it?

My strongest sense is my nose. I connect  emotions and memories with a smell. Sometimes people enter your life and you say, you can't smell him or her. Your sense (nose) has already realized that this person is noone you really like. 

Noone you feel a connection to. And most of the time you can't do anything against this pre-judgement.

A good smell is very important to me. I like the smell of fresh bread, the smell of coffee or fresh bed linnen that was dried outside. I like the dusty smell of Charlys fur. And I like the smell of the Asphalt after a thunder storm - when the water cools everything down. 

I like to bury my nose into the neck flexion to breath in the skin of the oposite person. Not every person of course. But recently I met someone I was wondering how he smelt. But when you meet the first time, you just don't bury your nose  on the neck :-).. 

Some people smell like home. Others don't smell at all and others just stink and you would like to run away from them. 

I can describe how Scotland smells, I can describe how my earliest childhood memory smells and I still know how my Grandmas house smelled. I remember the first time when I smelled the ocean in Italy. 

So many beautiful memories - all stored in a smell. 

Bali had a terrible smell of rotten food and I did not like the Island at all. Bangkok stank of exhaust gases and greasy food. I hated the city. 

Maybe it's a combination of all senses but I strongly believe, that my nose is dominant and leads me to what I like or dislike. 

I wonder how I smell to other people :-). Can someone tell me? 

 

Have a nice day 

 

XOXO

 

 

It's over...

 

X-Mas ist over, 2025 is knocking on the door. The first week off flew by and it's only one more week before I have to go back to work. We had a white Christmas - the first time in years. It is still white and cold outside. I pretty much enjoy this weather. It is so quiet and calm. Just like a Grandmother, sitting on a rocking chair infront of an open fire place. 

The visit at my parents house was short but intensive. Intensive in a bad and exhausting way. My father consumes my mother completely. She has no own life left and it is sad to see this happening. 

I feel guilty because I don't want to stay with them anymore and the same time I regret it. I know the time is ticking and you never know when it is the last time you will see them. 

Ivan is on his way to Italy now. After Italy he will go to Spain. Our friendship feels awkward now after we have met. Maybe it is only in my imagination but it feels like something broke. I had no expectations when we met, but it turned out that I really liked him in person, too. But maybe that was only from my side. 

It feels I have too many unsolved things in my life. Everything is under construction and seems to lead nowhere. I am still wondering what the two Italian guys do. I hope they are well and enjoy life. 

But it is over and I accepted it. 

I wish you a very good start into the new year. All the best 

Take care 

XOXO

 

To start all over again ...

 

Happy new year to you all. I had a quiet new years eve - our friend had the flu so the party was cancelled. No worries. I don't like the change of the years anyway. Too many expectations and too much pressure. I did not send wishes out this year nor did I make calls. I just wanted to be at home listening to my podcast and do absolutely nothing. 

I usually do not have new year resolutions, but for this year I really do have one thing. People that make no effort to be in my life, don't deserve a second chance. All my life it feels, that I am the one that takes care of friend- and relationships. That is now history. If you want me in your life - do something for it. If it feels not right I will make no more effors.

Many people crossed my path in 2024 - only a few stayed.

It's now been a year that I am in this new job and I am still growing into the new job. But I really start to enjoy it. I built a trustful relationship with my clients and that feels really good. 

I want to estblish this for my privte life aswell. Seems not so easy - maybe it again about  expectations, I do not know. 

Fact is, I will have to change something so I will not be dissapointed all over again. Thats my only resolution for this year.

Do you have any resolutions for 2025? 

 

I wish you happiness and everything you ever wishes for. Take good care of yourself 

 

XOXO

 

 

Be yourself…

 

Back to work after a long break is always not so easy. One has always the feeling, just a few more days would do. But everything has to end.  From my point of view, we just have to jump and get started. Because the “I need more time” feeling will not go away.

I spend my time with reading and listening – listening to music and books. I very much enjoy propper e-books. It reminds me of the time when I was a child and someone was reading a story to me. It’s really great.

I will not compromise anymore when it comes to "me-time" and being myself. I am not an outdoor enthusiast during winter. I love to stay in and have a cosy time. I don’t need action nor do I need party and fun all the time. These days have passed. I need a handful of people that accept me and like me exactly the way I am.  

 

“Someone finds salvation in everyone, another only pain

Someone tries to hide himself, down inside himself he prays

Someone swears his true love until the end of time, another runs away

Separate or united, healthy or insane

To be yourself is all that you can do …” (Audioslave)

 

Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me. I like to care for other people and some people really feel, that it is too much. They feel, that I am too much. The questions is when is it too much?

I do not expect anything in return. But I really think that it is time to be a bit more selfish.

Being myself is one thing – but when I start to feel guilty because I care for someone, it gets unhealthy for me. It’s pretty much a shame those days, that taking care of someone is a bad thing. What the hell is wrong with people? How can that be a bad thing? I really do not know.

However – real life is back and January is a shitty month. I really don’t like it.

 

XOXO

 

 

 

Change is the only constant in life

 

Change is for most people difficult to accept. We all prefer to be in our comfort zone: we know everything, and it is easy to predict which way things will develop or not.

It is not a question of age or gender – some people are more flexible than others. But why is it like this? Why are we scared about changes in life?

Are we scared or are we just too lazy to customize ourselves to the situations?

I think it really depends. When we are too happy with the way things are, we can’t adjust if we are not forced too.

20 years ago I really hated changes in life. I liked my life how it was. It was predictable and I knew where I was going to.

But all of a sudden I was forced to deal with new situations life had available for me. I hated it. But when I look back, I am really glad that I had to manage and cope with all those new situations. It made me stronger and definitely gave me the one thing that makes a lot of incidents easier: humor.

If you can’t change it you either make the best out of it or you leave. This wisdom can be applied to all situations in life. And don’t take yourself too serious – laugh about yourself and reflect yourself. The key to a happy life is to manage day by day, laugh about yourself and learn from yourself. If something pissed you off – find out why. Look into the mirror and be your toughest critic. And if you need a break from yourself – take it.

Yesterday I was grumpy with a situation and the only thing that helps me, is to let the music wash over me. The music washes away my thoughts and my bitter feelings. Music soothes me, makes me cry and makes strings vibrate that are otherwise silent.

 

"..We′ll rise above this

We'll cry about this

As we live and learn..”

Placebo – Broken promises

 

Maybe you have something else that makes you reflect and think. Maybe you work out, maybe you play an instrument – whatever it is, use it. You will feel better and then you will know how to categorise your feelings.

 

I wish you a pleasant day!

 

XOXO

 

People make you feel...

We are surrounded by people. In private, at work, in the supermarket, .... everywhere. Some make us comfortable, some make us feel weird and from others we need to run. 
Others touch us deeply with their kindness or humor. 
i am thankful for all those people in my life that make me feel something. 
My dear friend Anja from work: always friendly and happy. I met her and loved her - she has so much positive energy, like a ray of sun. She just makes you feel good.

Alfio is so kind and gracious that my heart flows over - I think I just can't resist him. 
On the other hand there are people they just fuck you up. You can't be surrounded by them - all they do feels not right. They make you feel uncomfortable or weird. They do not even say a word, just be around and it makes you sick. 
I do not want to be surrounded by people that are not good for me. It is on us to decide who we want in our lives. Even at work, where you can't avoid certain people: just keep them on distance and don't let them in to your system. 
i really sometimes wonder, if this is a one way ticket or does the opposite feels the same?  
I am bad in reading people and so I usually do not know until i get told. 
Maybe we all should carry red and green cards around and if we meet someone new, we just show a card. That would make life so much easier: you have a crush on someone? Green card. Opposite shows immediately red - ok, nice try. Next one 🤣🤣. 
i am glad that people make me feel - at the moment I am burning brightly for someone. Definitely a green card -
thank you for this. I hope it's green on both sides. 

have a nice weekend

xoxo

 

Is wanting more a good thing? 

 

Nearly 3 decades I lived a good life. We had our ups and downs like everybody else has. We are good friends and we seldomly fight. Money was always available. We travel, we share interests.

Since nearly 10 years the passion was replaced by trust and friendship. He has given up on me and I surrendered wanting more. Last winter he told me, that I can have a lover in my life. I was shocked about it, but after weeks and months of thinking, I accepted this. I told him, that he might open Pandoras box, because I cannot be intim with someone without really liking or wanting the opposite. I am not sure, if he understands what that means. 

Fortunately for him, I do not want to hurt him - but I will not tell lies. If I will ever find someone, he will know sooner or later. I do not know how I will handle such a situation, but I will find a way. 

I want passion back in my life. But I want someone for me - I do not want to be number 2 or 3 - i want to be his number one. The one he thinks about when he opens his eyes in the morning and the one he thinks last before he falls asleep.

Maybe this apple hangs too high. But I don't want half of the cake - I have that already. I want to have it all.

I very often ask myself why it is not enough the way it is now. But seriously: I do not want do die with the knowledge that I was 45 when I had the last time passionate sex. I dream of someone kissing and caressing me - someone taking my breath way, stealing my sleep and really wanting me. Having said this, I understand the concept of polyamory much better. It needs a lot of tolerance and honesty. I think this is hard to swallow. But if it makes the people involved happy - why not. The question is: does it really make them happy? Is wanting more a good thing? Or is it just selfish? 

Maybe someone else has the answer - I don't. 

But i have decided, that I will find out If there is a way for me to want it all - and get it. If I burn for someone, I burn brightly. 

But not everybody can handle this - and I really think, I have made to many compromises the last years. Deal with me or don't - but don't waste anymore of my time. If you want me in your live - you know what to do. 

Have a great Sunday 

 

XOXO 

 

 

 

 

What happens when you turn 50?

 

People say, 50 ist the new 40 – 60 the new 50. Whatever! Fact is: more than half of your life is over. Youth is gone, you are not careless or reckless anymore. You have history and you have experienced life.

You may have learned your lessons and hopefully you do not have to prove anything to anyone anymore. Especially you don’t have to prove anything to yourself.

It is a different chapter in your life.

When I turned 50, I was devastated: I really thought my life was over. I had no idea what was coming.

Fortunately, life surprised me. My older friends told me, I would start to love being in my 50^th. And it is true. I accepted my age and made my peace with it. Why did I do that? Because I gained serenity. Something I never had.

Things that were very important to me and bothered me, stepped in the background. Things just lost importance. I now listen better to my body and my needs. I very often need Me-time. And if it means, that I stay in bed the whole day – I will do that. No matter what. No one else will take care of my needs. I have to do that myself.

I can accept critics from other people much easier now. My boss recently told me, that I am no longer as resilient as I used to be. Right, I know that. No excuses – it is the truth.

And I am not going to change this. It is ok for me to accept, that the peak of my performance was between 30 and 45.

I am not living to work anymore. I work that I have money to live. That is a big difference.

My life is definitely not over – not sure if the best is yet to come. But I am sure, that there is a lot of new experiences, a lot of great people to meet and things to happen that will surprise me. I am looking forward to the time that I have left on this earth.

I hope I can stay healthy and I can keep my humor.

 

Wishing you a great day – no matter how old you are 😊.

 

XOXO

  

Hesitation is for cowards 

 

Since approximately a year I was thinking about something special to do. Something I would not have accepted when I was younger. Something that really bothered me, because it was totally against my personal principles. 

I hesitatet - thought about it again. I was a coward all the way.

But than I started to realize that the situation will not change - if I do not want to die and looking back to a life with something very important missing, I have to change the situation. 

I questioned myself, I questioned the situation and I questioned my whole existence. What the hell did I do wrong? 

There is no clear answer to this. Life just happend. And I realized, that I do not want to do without this.

So yesterday I just jumped. Jumped into cold water - and enjoyed. In a long time, I felt alive again. 

I might have a guilty conscience at the back of my mind. But I tell this voice to shut up - I am not listening anymore. I just don't, because I missed too much and gave up too many thing. I want to enjoy my life as much as I can. 

And I am doing this now. I do not know where this path will lead me to, and I do not mind to walk in darkness - anything can happen. I am holding my expectations low, I don't force anything. 

I will receive all good things with open arms and appreciate what life and my own courage gave me. 

 

Appreciate the good things in your life!

 

XOXO

 

 

 

Expectations again....

 

It is not the first time that I write about expectations. Why is it so hard not to have expectations? They say, if you do not expect anything, you are free. But I wonder, is it indifferent? If you really don't expect anything - do you really care? 

You can say, I hold it low and see where it will lead us. But expecting nothing? I don't think that this will work. 

M motto is always: if you want it, get it. But if I am not really interested, I do absolutly nothing to get it. 

So here we go: no expectations because you could not care less. 

You can tell, you don't expect a thing - but at the end of the day and deep down you want something. 

You say you don't expect anything to take pressure out of a situation, to make another person feel more comfortable - or you just lie to protect your feelings. Or yourself...

Maybe you just have a different theory - I am sure Ivan will say, he has. But seriously Ivan, go and get whatever you want. Life does not wait and nothing is for free - you have to get yourself what you want. Don't wait too long, maybe it is gone when you think now is the time. Be spontanious, be reckless, be free - what can happen? Nothing. 

Life might surprise - believe in it. Always one more time and one more time.

I will keep my expectations down - well, I force myself. But I have my expectations and I will fight for them.

Having said this - I wish you a pleasant weekend.

 

XOXO

 

 

 

A desire so strong I can hardly stand it

It is been a year since we met. A moment that turned my world upside down. I fell for you after the first few sentences we exchanged. My experience in online dating was on a very low level. I had no idea what I was doing. And with my knowledge by now, I would have dealt with the things differently. We might have made it through the year.

I do not know. But after so many hours, days and weeks thinking of what went wrong I am sure I know what I did in that night when you lost patience with me.

You were smart, cultivated, funny, sarcastic, arrogant, handsome and sexy. 
There were secrets around you and you refused to let me into your life. I was too open, too possesive and too impulsive. We had so much in common and I felt a deep connection to you. You were surrounded by loneliness like myself and I desperately wanted to be there for you. You never understood why I was so much into you. You were used to all these online affairs you had. But you hardly left someone into your life for a longer time. I should have been warned and I should have seen the red flags - but I just ignored them all. 
It's over since 9 months and I still miss you like hell. 
I still look at your pictures and wonder what you are doing. I wish I had a second chance. Maybe you were just a piece of art I created in my phantasy.  Maybe you were nothing but a blueprint of someone I am hoping to find some day.

I guess I fell in love with you - no other explanation for what I still feel for you. And even if you were just a blueprint - I guess I would have given up everything for you.

In my imagination I still paint a picture of us meeting on a concert or a Biathlon race realizing that at the end of all this suffering, we two belong together. This desire is uncontrollable today. I just feel lost without you - I never told you but I am sure you don't feel the same. 

"What happened to you?
I wonder if we'll meet again
Talk about life since then
Talk about why did it end

You made me feel like the one
Made me feel like the one
The one
You made me feel like the one
Made me feel like the one
The one..."

Stereophonics - Dakota 

 

I am sure you would have loved me if we had ever met. I don't know where I take the certainty from. I just know. I know you are a seeker and it was me you were searching for. You were just too scared to let me in. 
Maybe you will always be the one guy I will have forever in my heart. 
I know you will not understand and declare me sick and mad. Maybe I am -
but there are people out there, knowing me very well. I am not a stalker or a maniac. I just burn brightly if I burn.

"We are just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowle year after year." Wish you were here - Pink Floyd 

This blog exists just because I need a way to talk to you. I know you will never read it, but maybe someone else will. 

Take care and maybe we will meet in a different life.

XOXO

 

 

 

With experience comes uncertainty

We all know certain situations, when we have no clue how to handle them. You think you have the answer but it turns out, it was a total misjudgement. In all those years one could think, you had enough of experience to handle anthing. But you don't. Experience does not mean, that you know how to handle the situations. 

Every situation is connected to a different person and it can not forseen how the opposite will react. If you believe in Astrology you may consider reading everything about the stars. But at the end of the day, it does not help.

It does not help, because the other person involved has a life and a bag full of experiences that will make him/her react to your actions. The only thing you can do is to trust your gutt and be very attentive. Try to read between the lines and find out what works and does not work. 

But most important: be yourself. If you are impusive, and you know that sometimes you are too impulsive - try to find a middle way. If you hesitate to much - try to force it a little bit. But you need to be comfortable with the situation you are in. You can't pretend your are someone else forever. Sooner or later you will have to unmask yourself. 

At the moment I am facing a situation I have no idea what is right or wrong: too much? Not enough? Too much interest? Not enough interest? Too many texts? Not enough texts? Hell I do not know. So what do I do?

I write this text hoping to find an answer while writing :-).

Maybe i send a short text just to show my interest. I will do that now.

Have a great Sunday.

XOXO

 

 

 

I  needed me-time 

 

I felt pretty exhausted from last week: a lot of work and little sleep due to full moon. So I was pretty happy that I had no obligations today. I slept long, watched Netflix, had a pédicure and a face mask, Yoga got cancelled because everybody seems to have the flu. So I can stay in and do whatever I want. 

I thought about getting some work done, but I just do not have the energy to do so. I have to listen to my body and accept that a pause was needed.

Most of the time I only realize that I need some time for myself when I start to feeld depressed. I cannot describe the feeling - it is an urge that I want something to happen, I am not satisfied with anything and I feel loney and restless. 

Most of the time it just comes out of the blue. When I reach that state, nothing feels right. Things that usually make me happy do not please me: reading, music, watching TV, baking, Yoga - everything seems just a wasted time. 

I wonder if other people feel something similar. I do not know. I guess this is something you do not tell the world. It's glad I realize for myself that I need a break from everything. Even from my online community I have to step back.

I am sure that it is healthy to spend a bit time offline - I do not know about you, but it calms me down. Not to check my social media accounts all the time. Nothing is that important, that it cannot wait - my point of view. 

I feel pretty mixed up at the moment and I guess, that this is one of the reasons why I cannot sleep very well. 

 

However. I wish you a good start into this new week. Take care. 

 

XOXO

 

 

 

Roll the dices 

Some things in life are impossible to plan. Some happen just because of pure luck. Other things happen because you weren't listening and there are things in life you just have to let them happen. 

I am at a stage of my life, where I let things happen. I know by now, that I only have a few opportunities to influence.

I can't force it, I can only send signals that I am ready for everything that might happen.  

I have to roll the dices and hope for the best. 

I am patiently waiting for the dices to stop and show me what I got. It can be everything or nothing - or just inbetween. That is the thrill when you do not follow a plan - just let it happen. 

If you ask me now, what do you wish that will happen? My answer is clear: I really do not know! Seriously - it can go in all directions and if it does, I will handle it. Low expectations and patience - if it is meant to be, it will be. For how long? No idea. If it is not meant to be, it is ok. And if it is something inbetween - ok, I am fine with this, too. 

Fact is - I enjoy the situation as it is. Deep down I have a positive feeling and for a change, I don't question the things. I know everything will be fine. I will be fine. 

I am looking forward to the things to happen. It is quiet relaxing not to follow a special plan and just go with the flow. I will do so. 

Good luck & roll the dices 

 

XOXO 

 

 

The spy on spottify 

Even if I promised not to spy anymore - and the possibilities to spy were taken away from me - I have one chanel left to still do. I am not using Spotify - but when I had to make the decision to use AppleMusic or Spotify, I opend an account on Spotify to try it. It is impossible to track the account back to me. It has a weird name and not much information on it. But the best: I can spy absolutely undiscovered on the music someone is listening too. It still gives me the feeling to share something.

Most of the time it offers no surprises but once a week a band or an artist I introduced, appears and it gives me the feeling, that I am not completly forgotten. I am sure he can't even remember the connection to me, but I feel better telling myself that he now and than is thinking about me. 

Seldomly he is listening to Depeche Mode - he always told me, he is not a fan. But he likes "Home":

 

"Here is a song from the wrong side of town
Where I'm bound to the ground by the loneliest sound
That pounds from within and is pinning me down

Here is a page from the emptiest stage
A cage or the heaviest cross ever made
A gauge of the deadliest trap ever laid

And I thank you for bringing me here
For showing me home, for singing these tears
Finally, I've found that I belong here

The heat and the sickliest sweet-smelling sheets
That cling to the backs of my knees and my feet
Well, I'm drowning in time to a desperate beat

And I thank you for bringing me here
For showing me home, for singing these tears
Finally, I've found that I belong

Feels like home
I should have known
From my first breath

 

God, send the only true friend I call mine
And pretend that I'll make amends the next time
Befriend the glorious end of the line

And I thank you for bringing me here
For showing me home, for singing these tears
Finally, I've found that I belong here"

 

I still wish that I had left more traces than some songs he likes to listen to. But on the other hand it confirms my assumption. I just made a huge mistake he was unable to forgive and he was too scared to let me in. The realist in me knows it might be wishful thinking and I should concentrate on something else. But everybodys always says, I am the only person who can make myself happy. So please - It just makes me happy to think that I am still somewhere in his consciousness. Gladly I can say that there are now days when I totally forget to spy on his music. That shows me, that it is very slowly fading away and not that important anymore. But it is still there.

Yesterday Ivan thought of faking an access to the Blog from Italy - just because he knows that I would get a heartattack - I am glad he did not do it. 

It's good that I finally get over it and if it is meant to be in this life, we will meet again. Until than there are many other people around I enjoy my time with.   

Finally I've found that I don't belong here.....

 

XOXO 

 

Trust or mistrust? 

 

I can’t remember when I lost faith in people. It happened during the past years – I try to be nice and fair to people that surround me. That includes to communicate what I want and what I don’t want.

Beginning of December I met someone I started to really like. Communication was pretty easy – grown up and fair. Giving and taking from both sides.

We met and the chemicals between us were promising. We spend a nice evening together and decided to meet again – at his house. All along we were texting and talking – a week later he told me, that he is too busy to meet me.

When he was talking about his agenda (travelling to Abu Dhabi, to Paris and Milan) I was a bit concerned that he might be too busy. Nevertheless I accepted the invitation.

So now I am disappointed and suspicious that he wants to end what just had begun. My gutt says – he really is busy and he does not want to end it. But my brain says something else – too many bad experiences in the past.

I told him, that I understand and that he can take his time. Ever since than I haven’t heard anything from him. Which is not unusual – sometimes he falls quiet.

All I can do now is wait. Wait if he gets in touch with me or if he starts to ignore me.

My feelings are totally mixed up – I can’t really say what’s going on. I think he is stepping back to find out how I react. I said I understand that his business comes first – and now he is testing me, if I was just saying it or if I meant what I said.

I will find out sooner or later. The ball is on his side now. As someone said to me – I got to trust him and don’t try to force things. So I will do what I was told and try not to think about it too much. Even if it is killing me – patience is not my best friend 😊.

I really wonder if someone is reading these letters and if so, what do you think? Do you think I am a complete lunatic? Maybe you are absolutely right..

 

Wishing you all the best

 

XOXO

 

 

The power of female friends 

 

I don't think that I am a good friend. I never had a best friend - I know a lot of people, but I am more into male friends than into female friends. Since a while I have discovered, that the female view to the things is always a different ancle and the ladies I have met the last 12 months are amazing.

Anita is realistic, always to the point and asks the right questions which make me think about my situation. Anja always positiv, optimistic and sunny. Both help me to see the things clearer and make me feel loved. 

It is like looking into two different mirrors and seeing two different versions. 

Not easy because it cuts deep - but a friendship that does not cut deep is not a real friendship. 

I am really glad that I found those two ladies - they have helped me to get through some rough days and I really do hope that one day I can be there for them, too. 

I may have made bad experiences with women in the past because I was not a good friend myself. I find it difficult to let them close to me and be myself. I hardly open up because I know I am not an easy person. Ivan thinks I am far too impulsive, always all-in. My gutt rules me and he made me feel bad the last days because I am who I am. I do not want that anymore. Take me as I am. Accept me, love me and care for me. If you don't want that, than leave me.

I cannot change for people - I will change for myself and for my own sake. But not for other people. Not for a lover or some other guys. I was quiet the last decade. I put my head in the sand and waited for things to happen.....or not. I felt paralized and I felt not alive. That is over now. I want a life with all ups and downs and the girls understand me. 

They really do. And it is not a question of age - it's a question of experience and compassion. And sometimes it is harsh what they have to tell me. But i like that. 

This one goes out to the girls I love. Thank's ladies - you are very much appreciated. 

 

Love you

XOXO

 

What's one thing about myself I wish more people understood? 

 

A stranger asked me those question and it really caught me cold.  The answer came immediately and it was crystal clear: 

My impulsiveness! Very often in life, I am head over heals for something. I burn immediately and brightly and a lot of people do not understand why I can put so much passion in my actions.

I was always like this: I burn brightly and not seldomly I loose interest very quick. I cannot explain why or how - it is just like this. It happens with people, hobbies, food, situations, work. It is just a part of me. I am passionate and I expect the same from the opposite. And at this point it gets difficult: it's just not understood why I jump. If it comes to realtionships, I put all in.  And than the big dissapointment follows on my heels. 

I am not sure if I don't fullfill the expectations, if I am too much for some people. All I know is,  that I do not hesitate to show my affection. 

Recently someone I call a friend for a while told me, that I am too much. I accept this, but it leaves me dissapointed. Very dissapointed. I am so done explaining why I am and who I am. We usually  speak daily but this is the firts time in months that we haven^t spoken in days. I will not make an effort this time. 

What is wrong with being impulsive and passionate for something that is important to me? 

That I share my dissapointment if it does not work out? But I share my joy, too. And if I am happy as anyone can be than everybody will be happy because I can sparkle like noone else. 

So yes, that is the one thing I wish people would understand - my passion for something. It's contagious and I can move mountains and take other poeple with me. I am inspiring and I inspire people. 

Stop judging what you do not understand. 

And yes, sometimes I fall deep - but I can always get up and start all over again. Thank's to those who support me. 

 

Have a great Sunday.

 

XOXO 

 

It’s a state of mind

 

Today my body is aching…I am relaxed but my muscles are in pain. I welcome this muscle pain because it shows me, that I have done something for myself.

My Yoga teacher taught us yesterday new moves that activated different parts of my body.

When I started with Yoga lessons years ago, I wasn’t expecting anything. Now that I do it regularly, I cannot imagine a life without it.

It is not just the moves and the training. It is a state of mind: you just breath, you relax, you breath, you clear your mind, you find your center. You activate your body. It is good for my health. I used to have a bad back: I went to massages and Physiotherapy. All the time - and nothing really helped. Since I am doing Yoga, most of it can be solved without massages or Physiotherapy. Just breath ;-). 

People who do not do Yoga smile at it and think it is just hokum. It is not. It is a philosophy. Yoga is that inner state in which the mental and spiritual processes come to rest.

Actually it is quiet fascinating. I believe that it is for those who search a very big help to reset the mind. After Yoga I feel deeply relaxed and I sleep very well. It really helps me to put myself to rest which is a difficult thing during Menopause. Sometimes I wonder, if I will ever find back to sleep for more than 2 – 3 hours at a time.

Everything is possible with the right mindset – with talent and good training an athlete will reach out for gold medals. But the right mindset is indispensable to stay on the “Olymp” for a while.

That is just one example. You can grow beyond yourself. Fight cancer for a while or recover from a bad accident. Your mind can move mountais – I promise.

 

Just go for it!

 

XOXO

 

Farewell, Good-bye - we will miss you badly 

 

People come and go. People leave traces in your life - or they don't. One of those people, who has left a huge footprint in my business life has left our team yesterday. Young, dynamic and charismatic - that's the three adjectives with which I describe him. 

He was an incredible boss - and I can say, that I had more real good bosses, than I had bad ones. And he was outstanding: warmhearted, competent, fun to work with and so organized. I never thought I meet a better planner than I myself. But he topped everybody - including myself. It was great to work with and for him. I am glad that I had 1.5 years with him. I learned a lot and I aprreciated his presence. 

Now he is gone and I wish him all the luck and hope that he likes his new pojects and finds it fullfilling. He is definitely stepping up the career ladder - he deserves it. And I hope one day, he will be back to leading people. Because he truly is born to lead. Not many people are born to do so.

Change is the only constant thing in life - I will manage, but I will miss him deeply.

My new boss is a total different guy - but I am sure we will get on well. We have propably more in common - because we both come from communication and we burn for it. So yes, I feel comfortable with him and I have no doubt, that I will get on with him very well.  

But I have to admit, I am seeking for peace at my job too. And I hope the new boss and the new team will finally provide me with the base to get it. I am pretty optimistic, because the people are great and I like them. So not all changes are bad - some are for the better. I am looking ofrward to the new challenges this year will bring us. 

But together we can manage. I am sure about this. 

 

Take care my friend - we may be able to stay in touch!

 

XOXO 

 

Melancholy has reached me today

 

I am not surprised that it hit me today. Busy and emotionally weeks have passed. I had highs and lows and everything in between. When this happens, I need to isolate myself. I need music and a good book to ground me. And I keep writing. Writing to you. No talking, just music. 
i am listening to your playlist wishing we were still in touch. Wishing I could let someone in as close as you were. I just can't. I don't want to get hurt again. I don't want to loose again -
and I do not know what to do. I start to doubt if the date still stands because I haven't heard from him since Thursday. I wonder if I am a random person and if he will replace me quickly. 
Was it me setting boundaries he is respecting now? Talking about wanting nothing just fun? That he could do whatever he wants... I don't know.
Truth is: I want him and I want him to care.

"Where would I go, and would a lone soul miss me?
If I leave in the night, I'll only be running
With the weight of the world at the tips of my fingers
A long-lost soul in the wilderness alone

....

What does it mean if it all means nothing?
What does it mean if it all means nothing?
What does it mean if it all means nothing?"

Lord Huron - What do it mean 

But I do not want to make the same mistakes I made with you. So I hide what I want. What I really  want. I am totally aware that everything and nothing can happen. And I know about the consequences I might have to face. 
But everybody is different and maybe he wants me to get in touch - but it works both ways, doesn't it? If he wants me and misses me, he can send a message too. 
So I stay silent, listen to songs that touch me and wait for whatever is going to happen. 

"Time is never time at all
You can never ever leave
Without leaving a piece of youth

And our lives are forever changed
We will never be the same
The more you change, the less you feel

Believe
Believe in me
Believe, believe.."

Smashing Pumpkins - Tonight, Tonight

Maybe it is true: the more you change yourself for someone, the less you feel. And we will never be the same...

XOXO 

 

 

What does it mean if it all means nothing?

So much to say, but my words mean nothing
A life spent talking when my epitaph would do
Wasting my days with my mind on the future
And my past like a chain that won't ever let me go

Where would I go, and would a lone soul miss me?
If I leave in the night, I'll only be running
With the weight of the world at the tips of my fingers
A long-lost soul in the wilderness alone

All of the joy I've known
The ways I've grown
The loves I've shown my heart to
I'm gonna get it together, ooh
And live forever

And live forever

Day after day, oh, the world keeps turning
The stars in the sky above us keep burnin'
But it isn't for you, and it ain't for me neither
Try though I might, I was never a believer

Taking it slow, but it all goes quickly
The time that it takes is all I'll take with me
So, I'm saving it up just to go out and spend it
Gonna fly through my life 'til I crash into the ending

All of the joy I've known
The ways I've grown
The loves I've shown my heart to
I'm gonna get it together, ooh
And live forever
I'll make a deal with the devil, ooh
And live forever, and I don't think why
I don't know why

What does it mean if it all means nothing?
What does it mean if it all means nothing?
What does it mean if it all means nothing?
What does it mean if it all means nothing?
What does it mean if it all means nothing?
What does it mean if it all means nothing?
What does it mean if it all means nothing?

Thank you, thank you, thank you, folks
It's been delightful
So long, good luck, goodbye
Until next time, may you live until you die!

Lord Huron

 

Nothing left to say

 

Heartache was ruling me the last months. Thinking about things that might have been, things I have done wrong. Things I wasted my time with. Unspoken words, guilt, fear and sorrow.

All gone.

Just because I was with you yesterday – just because you took me as I am.

I met you only 2 months ago. You choose me - you made an effort for me. We took it slowly - you accepted my hesitation and my borders. You did not give up - you won me over with showing me day after day that you were interested. 

Then we met the first time and it was crystal clear from the moment I looked into your eyes what you wanted. You wanted me and you got me. And again I doubted you and were insecure if you really wanted me. 

But again you did not give up. We met and we both burned brightly for each other. 

You asked me about the things I wanted. You cared about me. You took my breath away and made me feel again. I feel alive. And you gave it to me. You gave me everything. You touched me deeply.

I do not know where this will lead us to, but I do not mind. For a change I don’t mind. I want you and I am taking everything you will give to me.

You just make me happy and if it ends, I will look back and say I had a great time.

You are a purring tomcat, a wild tiger and cold business man. I like all those personalities you are sharing with me. You surprised me again: when I am insecure what to do next, you just send me a video message with kisses. Out of the blue and sweet like hell.

You are like a sunny day at a beach: I am bathing in your light and listen to the ocean. I am scared like hell because I wonder when I wake up and you will be gone. But it seems you are planning to stay for a while. You have no idea how welcome you are.

 

XOXO   

 

 

  

What does it mean if it all means nothing? - Chapter 2 

 

It really seems that I am still insecure like a teenager. I got no reaction to my message from yesterday and here I am back doubting the whole situation.

Are you still interested? Are you just too busy? Do you need your space to get yourself sorted? Are you giving me space? 

Whatever. I wonder if I am constantly in your mind like you are in mine. Do you think about me? Are we just sharing passion? I have no fucking clue and I all the questions I have and all those weird feelings I carry around like a heavy bag. But I am unable to speak what I want because I do not know myself. I don't even have the faintest idea where we are and where are we going to. 

I want to be patient to give us a chance to find out together. One minute you say "now that I know your house I can come anytime" and when I try ti fix the next appointment, I don't get an answer. What does that mean? What if it all means nothing?

It is like a tightrope walk: I want to show you that I am committed to you, but I also want you to know that you have your freedom if you need it, and that I have no intention of taking it away from you.

I guess I am thinking too much. I really would like to stop analyzing the things between us. The time we spend together is brilliant and I do not want to give this away. So I really have to change my mindset. 

Your past is your burden, my past is my burden. But I have to let go and welcome the present and the future. 

I clearly have a crush on you and I want to find out, if you have a crush on me too. 

 

XOXO 

 

 

I can’t stand this silence

 

Three days later – I haven’t heard a word from you yesterday. And with the silence, the doubts are back. I am not used to this – I can’t handle the silence. I don’t want to get a daily journal from you, but I cannot stand this silence.

What does that mean? Is this a test? Do you care at all? Do you think about me? Are you busy? You had me, now you drop me?

Fuck this shit. Why the hell do I play by your rules – I don’t want this. I just want a grown-up relationship. There I said it – I confessed to myself what I really want.

I even read my texts with the dwarfs’ friend repeatedly yesterday. And reading the messages showed me, how perfect this was and that I sabotaged myself. I wish he would give us a second chance. It is easier to miss him and feel the pain of the loss than find out what is going on with you.

I had hoped that you would close this gap, but you are obviously not interested. You just cared until you had me and now you drop me. Do you drop me? This is cruel. But it is my own fault. I should have known better. Sex is sex and guys like you don’t do something in between. You told me your heart was broken twice. So you are unable to let me in – but I was so stupid to believe I could have a friendship with benefits.

..

“Now my heart awakes to the sound of silence

And it beats to the sound of silence

And it beats to the sound of silence

Now my heart awakes to the sound of silence

And it beats to the sound of silence

And it beats to the sound of silence

 

Getting hard to break through the madness

You're not here it never makes sense

Tidal waves of tears are crashing

No one here to save me drowning

Cause baby you're not here with me

And I keep calling calling

Keep calling cause..”

Dami Im - "Sound Of Silence"

 

I will not get in touch with you. Yesterday I called you by mistake because I pressed the wrong button. You did not even care to say you can’t talk right now.

I will not care either. If he wants to play, he can do it. But I am not at his service. I have other guys I can play with – no emotions involved. It’s better for myself.

I have to learn this lesson and Ivan, get the hell out of my head telling me that I have to trust him. No, I don’t trust anybody anymore.

 

XOXO   

A story as old as mankind

Man met  woman. Man hunted her. Man finally gets her. Woman has the best sex she ever had in her life. Man fucks her brain out, leaves his marks all over her body. 
Invites her for regularly meetings at his house. 
Next day he sends video message. Ever since than complete silence. 4 days just nothing. 
No explanation just silence. Too busy to say hi? Or just dropped after sex? 
How the hell can she know? Are there rules? Who wrote the rules? Can she read them? 
What is she supposed to do? Who can she ask? Nobody. 
She is too proud to ask and she believes she knows the answer anyway. But does she really know the answer? 
She feels rejected, not good enough. Why did he make those efforts to get her? Why did he tell her all those things if he weren't interested in her? 
Old story: men can divide sex and feelings. Most women can't. 
She said that she only wanted sex from him. Now that she got it, she wants more. 
Does he want that? Did she ever ask what he wants? She did not. 
What is the moral of the story? 
Communication was bad? Should she just ask? Leave him in peace?

When feelings involved it just gets weird. What the fuck...?

XOXO 

 

Another chapter finally closed 

 

I can't sell my two tickets for the Biathlon WM and I can't attend. So spontaneous as I can be (without thinking twice), I called the dwarfs buddy behind the mountain. He said "Pronto" - I said my name and he put the speaker down. End of story. 

I only wanted to give him the tickets - for free. 

But this short action showed me his complete contempt for me. He wasn't even able to speak to me for 10 seconds. He just blocked me - again. As he always does since last May.  

It did not surprise me - it was more or less a relief. Maybe I should have done that months before. Finding out that he was never into me. I was just a random girl from the internet. End of story.

It is ok now. I can live with this realisation. I just wish that it had enlighten me months ago. But sometimes it is easier to lie to yourself and that was exactly what I did. 

I am done with assholes in my live - and I am not planning to let another one in. 

I wonder why I always learn things only the hard way. Maybe I am a masochist - I should try it out :-).

 

XOXO

 

 

Don't you give up on me....

 

i have to tell this myself. Don't YOU give up on ME. After so long I really tried to spread my wings and I really flew. Just for a few weeks I believed it could happen to me. That I had found someone I could build something. Someone who understood my situation, mature enough to take it slow. 
Getting to know each other and develop something together. 
I was mistaken.

I had a crush on you. I really liked you. And I must be happy that it ended so sudden - before I had lost my heart to you. But I wonder what I did wrong. Was this your plan from the beginning to drop me after we shared intimacy? Or did you find someone else who suited you more than I do? 

You said I should trust you and that I don't have to worry. But why did you fell silent? No explanation- nothing. I always get this silence - as if I wasn't good enough. I want to give up on me - giving up in finding someone who cares and sees me. I thought you could be this person. 
I am sad and I question myself - as always. 
All I can say is that we spend a great day together. We kissed goodbye and everything seemed fine. 
So what the hell did I do? What is it? 
Why do you ignore me? The lesson I learn from this: everybody deserves an explanation. It's not fair to leave someone in darkness why you do what you do. 
i am not closing the door behind me. I will not block you. But with every hour that is passing, I am loosing hope to hear something from you. 
i know you are in Italy at the moment - last time you were on a business trip, I got videos and pics from Paris. I doubt that this time I will hear from you. 
I miss you already.

XOXO

 

 

 

Happy Valentine! Happy Valentine?

 

February 14th is not a special day to me. I receive a small gift and I give a small gift. But it means nothing to me to be honest.  I know that all shop owners are happy to make money when people buy chocolate, jewellery and flowers for their loved one. 

To me it is just a day like all the other days too. Especially at the moment when my emotions are upside down. My girls told me to stay away from you and don't understand why I can't. I will step back - not only one step - I guess I run half a mile back to give you the freedom you need and maybe to be able to come back to me. 

Yesterday we spoke briefly and it was clear, that I made to much pressure. What I always do - wanting too much too soon. I do not know why I always have this habbit.  

Ivan is not happy with me either. He says I was too harsh on him but he is not telling me when or why or how. I guess it has something to do with his living situation. I tried to help but he knew better - all the time. He says he is the planner and I am not. He always blames me. Ok, than be it. From his perspective it is always me who is wrong. He never is. 

Fair enough. I told him, that I guess it is better if we stop talking - at least for a while or forever. I don't know. Maybe that is it. I am not perfect and neither is he - but since he is in Europe (or since we met) things went down the drain. Maybe I did not fullfil his expectations, even if he always says he has none and I should have none either. 

I will definitely follow this advice. I have to admit that he was right with you - I tried to trust you and you really contacted me. And I followed his advice once again to wait for you.

But again: what is wrong with being impulsive and burning for someone? Why is that so hard to take for other people? 

Why can't people just say: "hey, a bit slower and not so much pressure?" Instead of communicating they just pass out and fall silent. I don't like to be rushed into something myself but if this happens, I speak it out loud. 

Where is the point of stopping communication?

However, I am pretty much dissapointed of a lot of people at the moment - and that includes myself. 

So yeah, happy fucking Valentine! 

 

XOXO

 

 

Rewarded for being patient 

On Monday I send you a present and a short letter. I never heard a word from you, so I was dissapointed because I thought you'd ignore me. But deep down I believed that you are not that type of man. But I am so insecure - I do not trust gutt when it comes to you. You are so strong, so different, so male and so dominant. You know exactly what you want. And I still don't understand why you want me.

This morning you thanked me for your present you just got today. You said you love the surprise and that you will have it when we are together. No empty words. You mean this. And my heart flies to you. 
If this is what happens when I am patient, I try this more often. 
I am bathing in the memory how you touched me. How your lips felt on my skin. How you smelled and how I felt in your arms. I want to get to know you. I want to know what moves you. What makes you smile? 
Am I in your head like you are in mine? If I am not, I will do everything I can to be there soon. I want to make you wanting me. I want to make you breathless and reckless. 
There was so much effort when we started this - why did I doubt you? It's not you fault that I made those experiences before. You said, that we slowly will get to know each other. We do. We have all the time in the world - it's just me thinking every thing needs to be hurried up. 

"I'm going to take my time
I have all the time in the world to make you mine
It is written in the stars above
The gods decree
You'll be right here by my side
Right next to me
You can run but you cannot hide

Don't say you want me
Don't say you need me
Don't say you love me
It's understood
Don't say you're happy
Out there without me
I know you can't be
'Cause it's no good

I'll be fine
I'll be waiting patiently
'Til you see the signs
And come running to my open arms
When will you realize?
Do we have to wait 'til our worlds collide?
Open up your eyes
You can't turn back the tide.."

Depeche Mode - It's no good 

I really do not want to ruin this just because I want too much, too soon. 
You are the driver - I do whatever you want. 

XOXO

 

 

 
Easy like Sunday morning...

A while ago I would have called this Sunday perfect. Since I am desperately trying to get rid of this loneliness it feels quiet. But this Sunday just feels peaceful too. I slept long and for a change - well. 
i watched Biathlon, read a book, listened to music and kept writing my letters. 
But one thing has changed: I miss you and I wonder what you are doing. Are you working? Are you at home? Do you think about me too? 
You occupy my mind and I am not interested in someone else - no app is needed because I don't want to talk to someone else. Just you. 
Did you know that this would happen? I confess, you can have me exclusively. I can't dance on more weddings than this one. I really want this. Want you. Want us. Want you to want me.

But what are the right moves to make? Can I ask you for the next date? Do I have to wait until you ask me? Can I text you that I think about you? 
I said I will be patient but I want you to know that I am interested. But it seems that it is better to be mysterious and let you hunt me. 
I wish I were more the type of woman men fall for easily. I am not. 
Too strong, too independent and too impulsive. 
But I can't change this. That's just me. That's because Ivan is not talking to me anymore. 

Iam not working for a week. Time to think about all the things in my life. And time to remember what I want anschaut I am willing to give up for this. 

XOXO

 

Doubt - my old friend is back 

 

Do I ever get rid of you? I was so sure after your message on Saturday, and now it's Monday and I haven't heard from you. You haven't replied to my short note either. And what happens to my good intensions? I shall trust you and myself?

I do not know. All my life I doubted people, I doubted myself. 

Nothing else was taught me - noone ever taught me just to relax and let things happen. It gets harder and harder to believe that finally everything will fall into its place. 

Once and forever no expectations at all. Seems to be the best I can do. Not hoping, not expecting and especially not waiting.

I will not wait for you to get in touch. If you do - fine. If not - it was a dream I dreamt and I enjoyed it for a little while. Maybe life thinks it still has to teach me lessons. I wonder why - maybe I want too much. But bloody hell - I just want you. Just a bit of heaven, just a bit of butterflies, passion and companion. Just to get away from this loneliness I am caught in for so long. Maybe you are the wrong person for this anyway. But if I do not try, I cannot find out anyway. 

I have to rely on myself that I am attractive enough for you. I have to rely on myself, that I am interesting enough and that you think about me too. 

Easy said - hard to do. 

So many questions I don't dare to ask. Many answers I will not be given because I don't ask the questions. 

 

"...And you want her and she wants you
We want everyone
And you want her, and she wants you
No one, no one, no one ever is to blame

You can see the summit
But you can't reach it.."
(Howard Jones - No one is to blame)

All I can do is - again - wait and see what happens. Hoping that my friend the doubt will be wrong again.

 

XOXO

 

Summer, tranquility and Crete 

I just booked our summer holiday destination. Yes, it will be Crete again but - it will be a private villa with pool just somewhere in the mountains. Nothing but the sea, peace and tranquillity. 

We thought we would go back to the resort we have been twice. But they obviously do not need us and so we decided to try something new. We have never been to a house where we have to take care for ourselves. We can be in a bikini the whole day if we want to. No one cares because noone will be there. 

It has a private ppol and a fantastic view to the ocean :-). 

I can read all day long, write my blog, sleep, listen to music, watch the ocean making waves, sunbath and just be myself. I do not even have to take much clothes with me - what a relief for a change. Just going out to put something in teh fridge or go out for something to eat. 

I wonder if we prefer this kind of holiday to hotel holidays. 

In any case we will come back having enjoyed ourselves a lot - for sure. 

We may be able to visit our little place in the north but google says, it will be a 3 hour drive and I am not sure if we can do that. During the night to drive cross the mountains is a bit too risky if you ask me. 

We will mak e plans when we are there. I actually can't wait to go. Even the idea crossed my mind to spend time there with you, because it seems to be the perfect love oasis - but you are obviously not thinking about me. You don't even read my messages. 

Your promise to smoke your present with me in the Jacuzzi was an other empty pomise. One of many. You don't want to be with me? Why the hell don't you end it? Why do you keep me hanging on? I guess you want me to end it knowing that I will finally do it. Because I will not wait forever. I deserve more - much more. 

 

XOXO

 

Wicked Game

Chris Isaak

The world was on fire, and no one could save me but you
It's strange what desire will make foolish people do
I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you
And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you

No, I don't wanna fall in love 
No, I don't wanna fall in love 
With you, with you 

What a wicked game to play to make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do to let me dream of you
What a wicked thing to say, you never felt this way
What a wicked thing to do to make me dream of you

And I don't wanna fall in love (this world is only gonna break your heart)
No, I don't wanna fall in love (this world is only gonna break your heart)
With you

The world was on fire, and no one could save me but you
It's strange what desire will make foolish people do
I never dreamed that I'd love somebody like you
And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you

No, I don't wanna fall in love (this world is only gonna break your heart)
No, I don't wanna fall in love (this world is only gonna break your heart)
With you, with you (this world is only gonna break your heart)
(This world is only gonna break your heart) no, I
(This world is only gonna break your heart)

(This world is only gonna break your heart) nobody loves no one

 

 

Two words just make us happy: partial remission

 

I hope you have no experience with cancer but if you do, you know that these two words mean the world! One of my best friends suffers from cancer - it has polluted his whole body and he is fighting since months against it. He had a lot of bad times and he was so close to give up. He even registered himself for "Exit" - he does not want to die a miserable death. He wants to go when he thinks he hasn't got the energy to keep fighting. 

But this week he started his 9th Chemo therapy and the CT showed partial remission. I am so happy for him! It is not victory but he managed somewhow not to give up and to survive!! 

Even if it was hard - he stayed positive and fought the fucking cancer. I could not be more proud of him. 

Noone ever was more a role model to me than he was and is. He was on my side when I was down. He helped me out of darkness, when noone else was able to.

He is stubborn, selfish and sometimes annoying. But I love him to the moon and back! And I am so glad he will stay in my life for a while. I can't do much but stay at his side and send positive energy and strenghts.

While I was crying over my  shitty love life, he was fighting for his life and he was still listening to my self pitty. 

Maybe this is all what it needs: stay positive and realize that we just have this one life! Nothing but these moments and we have no time to waste. 

Fuck people who think I am too impulsive. Why waiting? Waiting for what? For whom? Enjoy every fucking moment. 

When it is time for me to go, I do not want to look back and regret all the things I have not done. 

I want to leave this world a bit drunken, smiling and totally in love. And if I can reach this, it will be ok to go. 

 

Keep fighting my friends! This one goes out to the ones I love - again 

 

XOXO 

 

Another week over 

 

Friday again. The last day of holidays is nearly over too. We did some housework, visited relatives, we celebrated a birthday and went shopping to Germany. All in all a pretty busy week. 

But it was ok. I enjoyed not working and I can't be bothered to go back to work on Tuesday. I wish I would get a clear sign from you. A sign that shows me, that you are still interested. 

We are still in touch and I told you that I would like to see you again. I haven't received an answer to this. So I must assume, that I am not worst the time. 

I still have Ivans advice in my head to trust you. He said I must trust you. But how can I do this? 

What do you want from me? Do you want anything at all? Is this just a game for you? Are you playing with my feelings? Are you testing me or is it over and I just can't or do not want to see it?

 

"..I don't know if you're waiting
Haven't seen your face in far too long
I hope you know it's frustrating
You said you never meant to steer me wrong
But I hate it how you don't wanna pick up the phone
'Cause I'm not worth the call

I got so lost in this stupid game
I didn't notice that you don't wanna play
Drag me in just to turn away
Guess you didn't care that I was planning to stay.."

(R. Forrer)

Tomorrow night would have been ideal to meet. You said you are busy. Monday another ideal day to meet. No reaction.

Why do you tell me to keep the present to have it together if you do not mean what you say? 

Why did you tell me I could come to your house now regularly if you knew it was just a lie? You had me - no more lying necessary... 

What have I done to deserve this? And why do I not just drop out myself and forget about you? Something keeps telling me, that this is just you testing me. But you keep using the app - searching for someone better than me. 

I am exhausted and I do not want this anymore. I do not know when I loose patience and tell you what I want. 

It's crystal clear that I want you - and I do not want games anymore. But I fear that I will not pass your test, if I am too impatient. 

If I tell anyone how I am suffering, I will not find a soul to understand. Everybody will tell me to run from you. I do not need another failure in my life. That's for sure. 

I just want someone who is really interested in me. All the time and not just partime, when he has nothing better to do.

 

XOXO

 

 

And I’ll wait my turn…

 

Oh you think it’s over for you? You had me. You chewed me and spilled me out. You think you broke me? Only thing you broke was your promise – your promise to be honest and tell me when it’s over or when not interested anymore.

You gave a shit from the beginning, and I was too blind to see.

I might be naive because I do not know this world you obviously walk in like a sleepwalker. This is your scam. Is this how you treat women? Is this how you want to be treated yourself? You invested so much more than I did. You spoke about getting to know each other slowly and taking our time. I finally gave up and fell for you, just to get dropped without a word. The last weeks I thought you are testing me. But you don’t – you just give a shit and I still do not understand all those things you said to me – and did not mean them. It’s the 4^th week now and I think you had your chance to explain and behave like adults do.

 

Broken Promise

We'll rise above this
We'll cry about this
As we live and learn
A broken promise
I was not honest
Now I watch as tables turn
And you're singing

I'll wait my turn
To tear inside you
Watch you burn
And I'll wait my turn
I'll wait my turn

I'll cry about this
And hide my cuckold eyes
As you come off all concerned
And I'll find no solace
In your poor apology
In your regret, that sounds absurd
And keep singing

I'll wait my turn
To tear inside you
Watch you burn
And I'll wait my turn
To terrorize you
Watch you burn
I'll wait my turn
I'll wait my turn

 

(Placebo & Mike Stipe)  

 

Why do adults behave like this? Is this just the time to realize that we are all just assholes? One way or the other? I have so much to give, and I ask so little. Just a bit of time, honesty and attention – not more, not less. So easy but obviously far too much.

Next time I might behave the same – just because I can.

But is this a person I want to be? No it is not. I want to be able to look into the mirror without regrets. I do not regret that I had these moments with you. But it hardens me, and I don’t like that. With each additional disappointment, it becomes more difficult for anyone to reach me.

Maybe I just wait my turn to hurt you too. But maybe I just do not care anymore – I do not care about you.

 

XOXO

 

 

Falling a 100 times in love 

One of these days: you sit for 8 hours in meetings. At least 4 hours are wasted and instead of working, your mind has time to get on a journey. You wonder why you are here, what you are doing, why you are doing it and why people do things they do. 
It seems absurd that people take their time to wrap you around the little finger, just to use you and drop you again. 
You start to wonder if it is your fault. If it was too easy to get you. If you trust too easily. If you are too quickly head over heals. If something is wrong with you. 
Do you look back and regret a thing? No you don't. Just because it felt right the moment you did it. Yesterday I spoke to someone who told me, that he'd rather falls 100 times in love and gets hurt a 100 times instead of not feeling something at all. 
That he wants to live in a world where he can feel butterflies everyday. 
I wanted to wrap my arms around him and holding him close because it so spoke to my heart - that's what I think life is all about. Giving and receiving love. But meeting someone who feels the same is rare. 
Does anyone ever fall madly in love these days? Feelings are fading quicker than clouds are blown away... Does anyone ever think how precious a heart is? How easy it is to hurt someone? 
I personally think, no one deserves to be hurt intentionally. If you don't feel it, don't pretend you do. Be open, communicate. 
Always remember how you want to be treated yourself. 

XOXO

 

Burning bridges

 

Since I came out of my protected area, I had to burn a few bridges behind me. Too many people wanted me to fit me in their picture.

I had to be the loving daughter, the wife that tolerates everything, the friend that is quiet and the employee that works and shuts up.

It is a completely new role I am trying to settle in. I do not want to be what others want me to be. But on the other hand, I do not know what I want to be.

I burned a few bridges by communicating what I do not want – without clearly knowing what I want.

But I think it is a step into the right direction.  

Why do we have to fulfil other people’s expectations? Do we really have to?

I do not think so. I guess we just have to be brave and burn all bridges behind us that are not good for us. It might hurt the moment you do it, but you free yourself. The shackles on your feet loosen and one day they are gone.

It feels incredibly good to do so. Just to keep people close that are good for you.

Maybe it is selfish and maybe it needs a lot of strengths. But at the end of the day, it is worthwhile because you free yourself. You free yourself for something better to come. I know we have to compromise in life - but I think we should compromise as little as possible.

We are not doing ourselves or others any favors. It’s a boomerang – one day it all comes back to us and hits us hard.

I’d rather cut people off instead of wasting energy to please them. Either you like me the way I am or you don’t.

And it works both ways – be so completely yourself that everyone else feels safe to be themselves too.

 

XOXO

Stronger or weaker?

People always feel drawn to someone strong and independent. But is ist possible, that those who seem so incredibly strong are just the summ of what have happend to them during their live? They did not wake up having their mind set to be strong. No, you just grow with what life has on its plate for them. But are we not all strong? Most of us survive any kind of shit we have to go through. We all struggle, we all fall to our knees and sometimes we need helping hands to come back on to our feet. Little of us struggle and can't make it through the day. They surrender and give themselves to darkness. Deep down in our hearts we are all weak creatures. We all fall and we all come to points in our lives where we do not know what we have to do or how we should react. That is just human being - we grow through what we go through. For some people it seems easier as for others. But is it really like this? I am sure that it is much easier to surrender and give up but at the end of the day you have to learn the lesson anyway. If you want it or not - and if you make the same experience over and over again, the lesson was not learned. 

But who defines strenghts? What is strenght? Is it to stand up for yourself? To manage, to fight, to survive, to find a way? Some people never have to go through darkness - is that because they avoid traps? Are they the better and stronger people? Because they are clever enough not to monouver themselves into shit? 

An old friend was always on the sunny side of live. She had never any troubles in her life. But she had no major changes too. She was working for the same company all her live. Had the same routine - all year long. And she was happy like hell. She did not miss a thing. She needed no changes to be happy.

But would I call her strong. Yeah - in her own way she was. She just did not experience what other people had to. So can we judge her for that? No we can't. I might be stronger through what life made me go through - but maybe I wanted it. 

Wanted it because I wasn't satified with what I had. I took more risks than she did and so it is clear why I fell and she did not. 

But we are all strong - some because they can stand to be seduced by something. And others to live with failure. Choose to which group you belong.

 

XOXO

Live and let die?

 

Yesterday my Mum called me in tears, telling me that my Dad is dying. I was shocked and sad but at the same time, I remembered that my family is always good for dramatizing everything. I was not sure if I should jump into the car and head straight to Germany or get first more information.

As a precaution I decided to call my boss to tell him, that I might need to take a few days off work. And than I called the friend of my parents who is taking care of them, and I called the doctor to find out what is going on.

To cut a long story shot: it was like I had thought it would be. My Dad had an appointment at the doctors, but he did not want to leave the house, so he decided not to go. He said he was too weak, and the doctor should visit him.

He is not eating and never leaves the house since months. He has given up – the thing is, my Mum has a life to live but she can’t because she must take care of him.

There is no way out of this situation. He does not want to go to the hospital and the doctor said, he has given himself up.

I do not understand this, and I think it is very selfish – especially he lays everything on my Mums shoulders.

But it was like this all my life. He was the only person in the family that counted. Not my Mum neither me. It was always about him and no one else.

I am fed up with this. I was very close to jump in the car and drive 7 hours because I thought this time it is really over. And I feel such an idiot: involving my boss and calling around only to find out that it is the same old story.

I know I am very hard on this – but I can tell you, my father was never soft with me either. Nothing I ever did was good enough in his opinion. He still is criticizing the whole world but is never reflecting his own behavior. For this time it was a false alarm. Next time I might not be reacting and than it might be too late.  

 

XOXO

 

 

Everybody has a backpack full history

 

The encounters with other people shape us and set the course for how we will deal with people who enter our lives in the future.

At best, you remain naive and still believe that people are good and only want the best. At worst, you become suspicious and make it difficult for a new encounter to build trust. In my case, it's probably something in between.

My last experiences with new people were not very positive and as much as I try not to get influenced by this, I can’t.

I am disappointed. I miss Ivan – I thought we were over this point. I only wanted to help him but obviously that was too much.

How can I be myself if no one wants the pure me? Am I taking that too serious?

 

“…Let her cry, if the tears fall down like rain

Let her sing, if it eases all her pain

Let her go, let her walk right out on me

And if the sun comes up tomorrow

Let her be

Let her cry, if the tears fall down like rain

Let her sing, if it eases all her pain

Let her go, let her walk right out on me

And if the sun comes up tomorrow

Let her be, oh, let her be …”

(Hootie & the blowfish – Let her cry)

 

One thing Ivan said to me, is always circling my head: “Trust him”, he said. I did – and I still try to do. But the longer the silence, the less I have hope. I will finally have let to go – I am right processing it. Again.

Wondering again what the hell went wrong. Everybody is finally leaving.

I let Ivan go – and I will let go everybody else, too.

Maybe it is my faith to be alone – metaphorically spoken. I know I am not alone – but it feels like it.

Everything that happened the last year to me, doesn’t make me the better person. It just took my “innocence” away. The latest history of experience really is pressing me down and maybe I should take a break and stop trying to find someone who is not really out there.

“..There’s a ghost outside my window, hunting me….” (Dave Gahan)

 

XOXO

 

And life just happens

 

Sometimes I wonder what is going on and when live speeded up that much. It feels as if I’d sit in a Formula 1 car, and I am not steering. It’s fast, it’s crazy and things happen all the same time.

My mom throws new bad messages at me every day, I react immediately, only to find out it was a false alarm - again. I told her, that she can’t do that anymore, that she has communicate better. She tells me every third day that my Dad is dying – I found out later, that he is bad, but he is not dying and that it can happen anytime – but it could happen in 6 or 12 months. So, what can I do?

I can’t jump in the car and drive for 7 hours once a week just to find out, that it is as always. She said that she is not expecting this from me – but maybe my own expectations in myself are much higher? Right now, I am interested in enjoying my life – it sounds very selfish. And maybe it is. But the last years I was at home and did nothing – absolutely nothing. I was always alone – nothing ever happened.

The attention I am getting right now scares me and overwhelms me. Life is such an adventure at the moment and I am not sure, if I know this person I am at the moment. She is reckless and careless, and I do not want to think about the consequences. Not even sure if there might be consequences – maybe consequences do only exist in my head.

I don’t know. If there will be consequences, I will deal with them when they appear.

I wonder if all this happens to me because I force it – and if is like a drug I can’t resist.

Maybe I just don’t want to resist. Why should I resist?

I am just taking what I need and I just enjoy myself.

 

Do the same!

 

XOXO  

You miss someone but there is no way to return 

 

I dedicate this post to you Ivan. I really miss you badly. But I guess we expected too much from each other and noone finds a way back. I don't know where you are. Are you back in Peru? Are you in Morocco, Spain? Whatever. Thing is, I thought you were the only person in a long time who saw me - saw me who I really am. You accepted me for a while and than it was for you too much. You hurt me and I shut down. Maybe for silly reasons, maybe for the right reason. I don't know. All I can say is, that life got even more complicated and I wish I still had you by my side. 

 

“And I don't want the world to see me

'Cause I don't think that they'd understand

When everything's made to be broken

I just want you to know who I am..”

(Iris - Goo Goo Dolls)

 

I am sure you think I am selfish because I want you back in my life. Noone understands how addicted I am to music and lyrics - you did. You understood why I sometimes take life too serious and what really moves me. I think you saw me - but you did not like what you saw. And that is the reason why noone breaks the silence. I want to leave it in your hands, because I don't want to impose myself. If you want to come back, than do it because you want to. I believe that you have to set free what you really love and if it doesn't comes back to you...

 

XOXO

 

PS. I followed your advice many times. I trusted and I was patient. 

 

Truth or fiction? 

One of my readers asked me, if my letter about Menopause was truth or fiction. And if I ever thought about writing something erotically. 
i said I never did. But the truth is, of course I did. I only realized after I had said no. When I exchanged thoughts with the buddy of the Italian dwarf, I of course texted erotically stories. Real desire or fake? Who knows? 
If you excite the reader, it really does not matter what it really is. Sex happens in your head. Your body just reacts. Is this true? 
You may say, it's the other way round. Is it different for a man or a woman? 
From my experience imagination is a strong trigger to excite someone - no matter which gender. 
You disagree? An example: some people like dirty talking.... Some prefer it dark. Others like to dress up funny. So you still tell me, imagination is not the strongest trigger? To me it clearly is. So telling someone a story online can be really good for the reader and the story teller. Of course it is not the same as real sex. But still: your mind wanders. Your mind imagines your deep desires. It helps to excite you. 
It makes you wanting someone. Wondering how skins smells and feels. Creates pictures in your head.....
It's seducing and a lot of couples that do not live together, use this way to have sex when being apart.
Does it really matter if it is truth or fiction? At the end of the day what matters is joy and pleasure. Is it not? 
I like to be in someone's head. To create strong pictures. Because the better I describe it, the more it excites myself 😅. 
It is all about giving and taking - in virtual and real life.

 

Enjoy whatever you do. 

XOXO

 

 

 

Greece, my love? Greece, my love!

 

Who wouldn’t fall in love with Greece? The country swallowed me whole – years ago. So much so that I have to return every year. To find myself. To find serenity in the kindness of the people, in the beauty of nature, and in the happy moments I discover simply by existing.

You stepped into my life like a Greek rosé: fruity, crisp, and seductive. I took a sip and wanted more – I want to drink the whole bottle. I can barely hold myself back. I don’t want to get addicted.

Suddenly, you were there, willing to stay. You wrapped me around your finger. You told me your story, you let me see a glimpse of your soul. A story full of pain – a man on a quest. You search for your soul, for your meaning in this world. You wonder if the search itself is the destination or if you will finally find what you are looking for.

We met for a reason. It was meant to be. Maybe I will help you see what I see when I look at you. Maybe our souls connected – maybe we were lost and finally found each other?

I don’t have an answer yet. I am very vulnerable, and I know I am exposing myself to you.

I want to breathe you in when you breathe out. I want to see the stars in your eyes and feel your skin against mine. But at the same time, I know you would give that to me if I asked you to. But I am not like other girls. I don’t take you for granted. I won’t take advantage of you. I won’t use you. If you truly, truly want me, I will give you everything and be there for you. No games. No one else. Just you and me. Being enough.

Like a sunset in Greece – watching the ocean create waves. Soothing souls, healing, and connecting us.

XOXO

 

 

 

Grief and regrets

Grief is a monster that attacks out of the shadow. It jumps at you and tears yourself apart. Over and over again. It hurts that much, that you think your heart explodes in your chest. It absorbs your energy and takes away every single bit of joy you used to have in your body. 
it's been a week since you have been gone. I was angry that you had no will to stay with us anymore. 
Now, the anger is gone and only this monster called grief is hunting me - I want my anger back. 
Where are you? Where have you gone? What are you doing? Are you happy now? I regret, that I did not hug you closer the last time I saw you. If I only had known... would it have made a difference? 
I miss you. I miss your voice in the background when I spoke to Mum on the phone. I just want to hear your moaning one more time. 
We were never really close and the years drove us even more apart. But still, you were my Dad and I wish I could talk to you just one more time. 

XOXO

 

 

It's time to say goodbye

 

I lost my father, I have to let him go. Fully aware that it is not only my father I have to let go of. Some people came into my life and stayed for a while or a moment. They said they were friends. They said they were lovers.

In fact, they were neither friends nor lovers - they were simply encounters. Encounters that didn't really care for me.

It's not the first time I've experienced this, and it won't be the last. The more it happens, the more distant I become. I find it harder and harder to get involved with someone.

I do not want to play games to please anyone. You get what you see. This is just me, and if I am not enough or too much, please walk away.

I am learning to say goodbye and let people go. I had to let Ivan go - he found his place in Spain. I have to let my father go. And I will let you go too. I will not fight for you, nor will I try to keep you.

I am tired of fighting for something that is not going to happen. I am tired of pretending to be someone else. I am tired of all my efforts.

The loss is like a black hole and it feels like my heart is exploding. I can feel the pain in every part of my body. The weight is heavy on my shoulders and it is a great effort not to fall to my knees.

Disappointment overwhelms me - at the end of the day, we are all alone. I always try to be there for everyone. I asked for support and I did not get it. So I sail this damn ship called grief alone.

It's time for a new chapter, it's time to say goodbye.

 

XOXO